you & me

I Did Not Heal to Hurt You.


Healing is the bravest, most loving thing you will ever do for yourself, and it is the loneliest battle you will ever fight. Ultimately, it is a battle between you and you.

Regardless of what happened in your childhood, what your parents and siblings did or didn’t do in your youth, how you were treated by your peers in school, how your ex abused you, how your friend disrespected you, in the end, the challenge of healing is all about you loving you.

Yes, we are all here to learn unconditional love, but the piece of that puzzle that is so often overlooked is that unconditional love must begin with you, loving and forgiving you, and putting your well-being before all else.

As you learn that you are a good, kind, worthy, loving human being, deeply deserving of happy, healthy, peaceful loving connections with others, many people in your life, unhealthy connections of all kinds, will just naturally fall by the wayside.

And to all those who have fallen by the wayside in my healing journey, here is a letter to you:

I did not heal to hurt you.

I did not heal to dredge up the past. I did not heal for you to see it again. I did not heal for you to hear it again. I did not heal for you to feel the pain again.

I did not heal to rake you over the hot coals of what happened to me, and I did not heal to make you think again about what happened to you.

No, thank you, I don’t need to talk about it. That time has passed.

I no longer need validation, comfort or support. None of those things come from the outside of me now. I have all the validation, comfort and support I need deep within me. I lack nothing, as it is the wellspring of love in my own heart that feeds me now.

I took back my life long ago. I no longer require anyone’s approval or validation for anything I do or say.

Feel free to call me names, to call me crazy. Feel free to say whatever it is that brings comfort. It does not hurt me anymore. It just confirms that many still walk the path of pain.

“Your opinion of me is none of my business.” ~ Judy Ford

In my quest to heal me, I had to become intimate with my darkness, excruciatingly aware of the pain that owned me.

Working through my pain now allows me to clearly see the pain of others.

There is nothing I want more in this world than for healing to prevail. I want everyone to join me in love and light. I wish all would choose to heal their pain. It is not too late, it is never too late.

But ultimately, I can only change me.

We all have choices in life. My choice in life is to incorporate healthy boundaries in my relationships that no longer allow the pain of others to spill over onto me.

I did not heal to hurt you. I healed so I would no longer hurt my children.

I healed to stop the rage that was eating me alive from the inside out.

I healed to stop that rage from erupting on to my children for one second longer.

The day my inner voice interjected the inflamed explosion and said, “If you touch that child right now, you will not be able to stop.” It was one of the most horrifying days of my life. It is the day I decided my children needed a mother who wasn’t secretly filled with a molten rage that only they had seen.

I healed to stop hurting them.

I healed to stop making bad decisions. I healed to stop inviting and allowing unhealthy people into my life.

I healed because I deserve a happy, healthy, whole, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually available life partner. I healed to stop compromising my well-being for a momentary physical connection with otherwise completely disconnected men.

I healed because I reflected back on the black hole that was my marriage, 14 years spent deeply sad and lonely, two broken people alone side by side.

I healed because I know with every cell of my being that I deserve so much more than that, so much more than my past.

I healed for my children. I healed to help them live happy, healthy lives.

I healed to find the deep sense of wholeness inside of me, and to someday help others find their path back to the light, to this same peace.

I did not heal to hurt you. I healed to stop hurting me.

I healed because I love me, but it has never meant for one minute that I do not love you.


Christie Del Vesco is a College Administrator and Professor, a Universalist Minister, a member of the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau and single mom. She’s a children’s advocate, a survivor of many forms of sexual violence, and a voice for the survivors who have yet to find their own. Chris is a firm believer that we go through what we do, to help others when they go through the same. She also believes if we would all just “be the change,” we can change the world.


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