you & me

Emotionally Unavailable Partners: You Attract What You Are, Not What You Want.


I know it’s a deep spiritual truth you don’t want to hear. I didn’t either. I fought it for the majority of my adult life.

Every single emotionally unavailable partner you’ve ever attracted into your love life has genuinely been a reflection of who you are.

Hard pill to swallow, right? I know, it was for me too.

For every time we want to say, “Look what that jerk did!” “I can’t believe he/she played me that way!” “Ugh, another one!” there comes a time when the only place to search for the truth is deeply inside of ourselves.

You don’t have bad luck.

It’s not a broken picker.

You don’t prefer the excitement of bad boys/girls.

Emotionally unavailable partners are simply an invitation to search deeply inside of ourselves for the answers, for the truth. We are just too scared of that answer, so we keep calling in the same lesson over and over and over again.

“What you resist persists.” ~ Carl Jung

Every single thing that happens outside of self is an invitation to return to self. Everything. There is no exception.

That is the only answer. There is no other truth. You hold every answer to every question in your life, you only have to be courageous enough to face the truth, and to see what is real.

It took three weeks after finding out my boyfriend was married for me to exhaust all my human emotions, confronting him in a crowded lounge, raging on him over and over again via text for decimating me, writing to his wife about his online dating profile and how he victimized me, for me to finally face the spiritual truth: our relationship had absolutely nothing to do with him.

I was then forced to subsequently admit that no relationship I’d ever engaged in had anything at all to do with the other person, and everything to do with my relationship with myself.

After the breakup, while still fully immersed in my humanness, I decided I was never going to be that vulnerable or hurt in that way ever again! I called in a man who was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually unavailable.

That is it… I give up on love!

In that moment, I had a deep awareness of a huge cement block being added to an already very high, very solid steel wall.

Wait, what? I don’t have walls. I am an open, loving, emotionally available woman.

Or was I?

It was in that moment of pain, when I was vowing to never be hurt again, that I realized the Universe was making me keenly aware of how truly emotionally unavailable I was, protecting my heart with my fear of being hurt in the same way that married man had protected his heart with lies and deceit. Our walls looked different, but they were both high and strong.

It was in that moment that instead of vowing never to be hurt again, I asked the Universe to tear down my walls, explode all my blocks to love, and open my heart fully and completely in the most vulnerable of ways.

Although I’ve yet to find my forever partner, I make myself more and more open, transparent and vulnerable with every relationship. With every ending, I work to open myself more.

My lessons are now gentle, two respectful people being honest with one another about what they do and do not bring to the table, what they are and are not capable of sharing.

I’ve not yet fully healed this piece of me, but I am now keenly aware that my job is not to search outside of myself for love, but to return home at the end of every lesson, inside of me, to the truth of my heart, and to work on the blocks to love that are inside of me.


Christie Del Vesco is a College Administrator and Professor, a Universalist Minister, a member of the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau and single mom. She’s a children’s advocate, a survivor of many forms of sexual violence, and a voice for the survivors who have yet to find their own. Chris is a firm believer that we go through what we do, to help others when they go through the same. She also believes if we would all just “be the change,” we can change the world.


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