you & me

Blame Game or Shadow Work: Which Will You Choose?


What I am about to say is probably going to piss off a lot of women, but I’m going to tell you the truth you need to hear, but probably haven’t.

It’s not his fault you are alone and hurting, it is yours! Let me explain before you start screaming at me about how I’m a bitch and I don’t know your life, your past, your experiences. Women have been programmed in this generation to blame all our problems, pain, and unhappiness on men.

It all started when you first dated some piece of shit who cheated on you. Then you found a man who you thought was your soul-mate, and he ended up using you and left you broken and abandoned in the dark. Now you have built a fortress forged in steel around your heart, and every future relationship must pay for the sins of the last. Sound familiar? Yeah, I know. Been there, done that.

Want to know the common, repetitive, factor in all these relationships? You! You are the problem, my love, and I say this with all the sincerity within my heart. You keep choosing the same man over and over.

Sure, they may have different faces, but you are choosing the same type of Soul all the time! The young Soul who has many lessons to learn in many lifetimes before he is complete. The Soul who doesn’t want to be caged so he fears commitment. The broken Soul who needs you to mother him and teach him how to be a Man, only for him to leave you for another once he is fixed.

This is where women get it wrong. You say, “All men are assholes, and they are all alike, and there is no such thing as a good man. So, fuck it! I’m going to play their game, and the next person who wants to be with me better be damn perfect and work their ass off to earn my trust.” Again, sound familiar?

At what point do you stop pointing the finger and begin to look at yourself? You attract what you are! If you are attracting broken men who have no idea who they are, or what they are meant to do, it is because you are broken and wandering aimlessly, sweet sister.

If you keep choosing men who need a Mommy instead of a Wife, and who are more like a project than relationship material, it is because you yourself are still a work in progress. And, instead of working on yourself, you choose to work on your man, and then move on to the next one once the project has finished. The cycle never stops. My dear sister, you are in a constant loop of madness!

Women have been taught to fear their Shadows. You are afraid if you go to the dark corners of your Soul, you may never find your way back out. So, instead, you run from your Shadow your whole life, and never truly heal and become whole. In order to become whole, you have to embrace the light and dark of who you are.

You have to do your own Shadow work, and go through the great pain in order for you to make the great changes and growth your Soul needs.

Think about this for a minute. Does anyone ever change anything at all if everything feels Okay? Sure, you may not be ecstatic in your life, but you’re not miserable either. You are content. When people are content, you become stuck. Forever paralyzed in the moment. Not moving backward, but never taking even the tiniest step forward.

Emotions are our biggest motivators in life, and the King of emotions is pain. Pain can either break you down to a lifeless, just existing, shell of a human, or it can lift you to levels of consciousness and enlightenment you have never dreamed of! You can choose to allow your pain to help your mind, body, and Soul to thrive!  The choice is always yours, sister.

No one has power over your mind and actions. You may choose to give someone this control, but again, this is your choice.

So what will you choose? To always blame men and live the rest of your life in a cycle of pain and bitterness? Or, will you choose to do your own Shadow work and heal the deep-rooted wounds of your heart and soul, so that you can finally fall in love with you? Being in love with yourself is the only way to attract genuine, healthy, Soul-enriching love.

Once you heal your wounds, you won’t need anyone to complete you, for you will already be whole, my love.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Shadow work is fucking tortuous! It takes time, and it gets ugly. When you face your own demons, there is nowhere to hide. It’s you and them, face to face. But, once you heal your wounds, these demons turn to goddesses and you learn great lessons from them.

Trust in yourself. Believe that you have an inner goddess within you, waiting to break through, and begging you to see her as she is meant to be and not as the demon you label her. All blessings and love to you!


Dezaray Caraballo is self-proclaimed wild woman witch, who has been enlightening other women for the past 10 years. She is a fierce activist for the Divine Feminine, and offers soul-healing and growth through writing, and sharing her own life experiences. Her highest knowledge is in Shadow work; making great change and growth, because of great pain and heartache. You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram.


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