Saying Goodbye: The Death of My Maiden Goddess.
I thought I had delved into my shadows years ago, and healed the deep-rooted wounds of my truths. I thought the trauma of my past had forged me into the woman I am today.
I thought that because I healed my broken bones, I would never have to feel the pain of them break again. I thought wrong.
Yesterday, the Dark Mother visited me. We are ending her waning phase; she showed me the full wrath of her magnificent power, and it caught me completely off guard. Let me explain, Sisters.
I am having a hand-fasting with my Twin Flame in two days! I am beyond happy with zero doubts about marrying my Soul’s other half. Every area of my circle feels full and abundant. Career? Check. Financial stability? Check. Living my life unapologetically like the fucking Warrior Goddess I am? Check! Everything is amazing right now in my life, and I see the new beginnings that are waiting for me after the New Moon.
Then, the Dark Mother reminded me of the Life/Death/Life Cycle of the Universe, and I realized right away what She was showing me. The scared little girl in me, the hurt, abandoned, and abused teenager, the reckless, and out-of-control young adult, my Maiden Goddess, all had to die last night so that my Mother Goddess can be reborn to this new beginning of my life as a Wife.
My Soul Goddess is about to transform into the true Mother Goddess. My Maiden is dying. Yes, all women go through each of the Triple Goddesses with the seasons, and even monthly, with the phases of the moon. But, my Soul, my Goddess, is transforming now from the Maiden she was, into the Mother she is becoming, and as with all things, one must die for the other to be reborn.
Yesterday, I allowed my Maiden to tell Her-story. This is the natural phenomena that occurs both in the physical and ethereal realm. When a Soul is nearing the end of their time on Earth, they absolutely need to tell their story. I know this both as a spiritual healer, and as a nurse. I see it daily. It is one’s way of looking back on all they experienced, and sharing the lessons learned to those who will listen.
So, yesterday, I listened. This was different from what I did five years ago. When I did my Shadow-work, I looked at every wound from the Self from my own mind, and I decided what was said and done. Yesterday, I listened to Her tell Her-story, and the lessons she desperately wanted me to hear and know before she dies.
She sneaked up on me. My wounded Maiden inside cried out hard at Her time of death, both because of the pain She suffered, and because She knows she is dying. My heart breaks for Her! Not for myself, for Her! The girl who was never loved, and who never had a Mother or a Father. The girl who was always alone. Always afraid. Always searching for love in all the wrong places.
I cry for Her because She will never know what it feels like to be accepted, and loved unconditionally. I weep for the girl who just wanted to feel safe. She just wanted to trust that someone, anyone, would love and protect her. And now she is dying, and my tears flow so strongly with all the pain of a Mother losing a child. The hardest part of it all? I know I must let her die!
I must let her die so She can be reborn and transformed into the Mother. This truth is heartbreaking, but it is unavoidable and necessary.
It was an out-of-body experience. I was watching myself tell Her story, but it wasn’t my words of who I am today. I was a listening bystander as I talked and cried for hours and hours. Literally, unable to stop Her from sharing. So that’s what I did. I listened, learned, and wept.
All day, I ran through my life for the past 32 years, because I was never happy and loved until then. I looked back on every pain, hurt, abuse, neglect, fear, and loneliness that was Me for so long. I have done my Shadow-work, Sisters. For five years, to be precise. From the ages of 27-32, I delved into the depths of my darkest darkness.
I dug up all the bones of my past, every single one, and they were so scarred over with the deep-rooted wounds of the Collective Woman. I worked on each and every bone. I cleansed and consecrated each one. I took my time. I went through the terrible pain, I healed the pain, and I put each bone back together, piece by piece, in its rightful place. What lay before me brought me to my knees in gratitude.
I had found my Goddess! She was a Warrior Goddess, and I claimed Her right then. From all of my demons, She emerged a fierce, beautiful, courageous Goddess, who stood strong with her armor of battle-wounds. She was completely unapologetic, and confident in her Truth-knowing.
Since finding my inner Warrior Goddess, my life has been blessed abundantly in all aspects. I thought building back up my Goddess was all that it would take to heal the wounds, and I’d never need to face them again. Now I understand it isn’t Me digging up the bones again, it is Her. My Maiden.
My human self is already a Mother of four, and thought I was already in the Mother Goddess phase of my life. I realized yesterday, my Goddess was still a Maiden, and all thoughts and feelings associated with Her, in the time she spent in the linear world, had to be brought back up, so I can release it and let Her die.
Now, I sit quietly in my cocoon for the next two days, incubating, healing, gaining enlightenment, so that I can emerge the full-bellied Mother Goddess!
I woke up today and felt that I am in mourning. My body hurts so bad, and I know this is the physical pain of Her death. I know this mourning will not last long, as my cocooned Soul is already bursting to emerge a transformed butterfly in two days. But, today I must give the much-needed time and love to mourn Her. I will be still and quiet. I will turn inward, and allow this time to heal.
Even though I know tomorrow starts the new day of my new life, and I am very happy for this, I need to give my Maiden the time she deserves to be mourned.
Today, I say Good-bye to my Maiden. I will reflect on all the lessons She shared with me, and truly feel them so that I can move into my new transformation whole, complete, and not holding on to anything that has already died, or does not serve my greatest good. As it will, so mote it be!
Dezaray Caraballo is self-proclaimed wild woman witch, who has been enlightening other women for the past 10 years. She is a fierce activist for the Divine Feminine, and offers soul-healing and growth through writing, and sharing her own life experiences. Her highest knowledge is in Shadow work; making great change and growth, because of great pain and heartache. You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram.