you and me

I Surrender to the Truth.

 

I will surrender once I have broken free and am safe.

I will surrender, not to you, not for you, but once I am free to surrender in my way, in my time and on my terms.

I will surrender to all that I am meant to be and all that I am to become.

I will surrender to the truth of all that is and all that I can co-create with the Divine, but first I will surrender to what hurts, to the pain that is holding me back from the highest version of myself.

I will surrender to the hurting child inside of me who has been living there my whole life, begging to be seen, heard and loved, begging for my attention and begging to be kept safe.

I will surrender to the healing power inside of me. Mother Mary, Archangel Raphael, Bruno Groening, Buddha and Ganesh, the powerful healers who are ever present inside me, I surrender to you, to all that I need to heal, to the pain, the sadness, the grief, the rage, I say, “Yes, please!” as I do to a lover, with blissful abandon to wherever the pain needs to take me for my highest good and the highest good of the planet.

I surrender to the ocean of grief from the lifetime of pain. I surrender to the tears of the past until they have been cried free and cleansed me of the deepest sorrows of every lifetime my soul has ever lived.

I surrender to the emptiness, to not knowing who I am or who I am to become without the life of pain that was the only comfort I had ever known.

I surrender to the unknown, to the empty, gaping hole of nothingness that is now who I am without the knowing of abuse, suffering, drama, pain and sadness, without the only life I had ever known.

I surrender to a life free of the pain, without knowing what comes next.

I surrender to moving forward, not quitting, not knowing, not having to know, just moving forward while the Divine continues to heal the lifetimes of attachment and karma as I sleep, even while awake, through the psychic surgery made possible by my waking pre-op preparation of learning to hurt, learning to return from the numbness to a life of feeling.

I surrender to knowing that I have never known love, real love. I have never known bliss or pleasure. I surrender to the sadness of that realization, more sadness. I surrender even though it seems the sadness will never end.

I surrender to knowing that I have no idea how to cultivate real pleasure in my life.

I surrender yet again to the learning process.

I surrender to the depth of truth that pain and pleasure are one and the same. The gifts of the dark and the gifts of the light, both exquisite, both beautiful, both deeply worthy of my unconditional love.

I surrender to you, Universe. Teach me, just as I learned to grieve, teach me how to create bliss and pleasure.

I surrender to the discomfort. I surrender to stepping out of my comfort zone, yet again, just like the pain, another new type of information.

I surrender with every cell of my being, “Oh my god, yes!” to the pleasure. No different from the pain, the depths were beyond my wildest imagination and oh-so-beautiful.

I surrender to the overwhelming feelings of gratitude that daily bring me to my knees in free-flowing tears.

I surrender to the whispers of doubt that ask, “Why me? Why do I get this divine gift? What makes me so special?”

I surrender to the knowing that we are all the same, that I am not any more worthy than any other.

I surrender to the truth that we all hold the key to our prison, that we can open the door anytime we choose, that we all have wings we’ll find if only we decide to learn to fly.

***

Christie Del Vesco is a College Administrator and Professor, a Universalist Minister, a member of the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau and single mom. She’s a children’s advocate, a survivor of many forms of sexual violence, and a voice for the survivors who have yet to find their own. Chris is a firm believer that we go through what we do, to help others when they go through the same. She also believes if we would all just “be the change,” we can change the world.

***

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