I Am Surrendering to a Blissfully Orgasmic Life.
I left my marriage the day I realized with 100% of my being that I deserved a blissfully orgasmic life.
No, not a blissfully orgasmic sex life, a blissfully orgasmic life, every second of it, in and out of bed. A life where every breath is so conscious, so awake, so aware and holds the ultimate in pleasure, pleasure that cannot be contained, pleasure that begs to be expressed at the top of your lungs, with a goofy grin on your face and curled toes. Yes, that is the life that waits for me on the other side.
That is the life I always knew I deserved.
I would always giggle when I shared this vision out loud with someone. It sounded absurd. It sounded like the story line of a bad porno, but yet, even in my joking tone, something deeply resonated with me every time I shared this thought with another.
The vision stuck with me through the darkest of dark nights. I mostly felt it was a ridiculous dream, but something about it kept me going as I healed the PTSD that held me prisoner for the vast majority of my life.
My healing journey led me deep inside of myself using the medicines of the Earth as my guides. Mother Ayahuasca held my hand numerous times as I journeyed to the unfathomable roots of my trauma. She cradled me as I remembered all that led to the foundational beliefs that held me captive in a life of pain and misery. She is not called the Spirit Molecule for nothing.
She took me to the darkest corners of my spirit, to the furthest reaches of my soul, to find all that was holding me back, then she stroked my face and held back my hair as I purged every ounce of darkness that was my lifelong master.
I birthed an incredible life on the other side of this voyage, but it wasn’t orgasmic, and in all honesty, I was profoundly disappointed. Yeah, sure, it was good, far better than the world of daily suicidal ideation I lived in before, but quite frankly, I was pissed at God that after going through healing hell, all I got on the other side was normal, peaceful, quiet, happy and healthy.
I was promised a blissfully orgasmic life, God, time to pay up! Look at what I’ve been through, God! Orgasms 24/7, where are they? I earned every last one of them. It is time!
During this tantrum at God, the message in return was clear. “You’ve only just learned to feel again after a numb life. Now we learn to cultivate pleasure.”
Huh? Okay. Since healing with Earth medicines requires complete and total unwavering faith and surrender, I waited for guidance to help me see the way.
Soon after, a medicine friend reached out to me and said, “The Toad Shaman is coming. It just so happens someone cancelled and I thought of you. This is the most incredible healing journey you will ever take. Do you want to meet God?”
Wait, what? A Toad who? Did you say Toad Shaman? More healing? Meeting God?
Hell yes, I want to meet God! I need to talk to him about this orgasmic life I was promised.
And meet God I did.
I inhaled the vaporized venom of the Bufo Alvarius toad, 5-MeO-DMT, the God Molecule, the most powerful entheogen on the planet, 10x stronger than the DMT in Ayahuasca, as Dr. Gerry, the Toad Shaman, counted back “10, 9, 8, 7…” and I was embraced in complete and total loving surrender, every ounce of my humanness entirely dissolved.
Next, I experienced the most brilliant golden gateway, then in an instant, my whole being was absorbed into the light of God. We became one. I went home to The Truth of All That Is. The pleasure, the intensity, no one was touching me, I had no body left to touch, yet orgasmic pleasure surged through my being, my soul, my entire existence, and returned me to God, to The Truth and to my full and complete God-Self.
A deep sigh escaped my barely parted lips, “Whoa.” There were no words, only an otherworldly pleasure that could not be contained, floating on the purity of perfect love, one never-ending blissfully orgasmic communion with the Universe, with Source, with God and All That Is.
After 15 minutes, I began to return to my body, to my humanness. I realized I was literally screaming in orgasmic pleasure, and had been the entire time. My back was arched, I was rising and falling in the most exquisite union I had ever experienced or could ever experience.
A 15-minute long, screaming, full-body orgasm with God, divine pleasure of the highest and holiest order.
And in that moment, I realized this is what every single person on this planet deserves. This is our birthright. This is what we are working towards. This is why we are healing. Overcoming the hell of our own making, Heaven right here on Earth. The perfect unconditional love of the Divine had filled every cell of my being, and I had embraced it with the fully healed warrior goddess cries of the purest pleasure.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes!
It became very clear after this journey that I would learn to cultivate this orgasmic bliss in every moment of my life. Ah yes, Universe, thank you, thank you, thank you… just show me the way.
I knew the months that followed would guide me to cultivating that bliss in my everyday life. I knew this was just the most exquisite taste of what I was working towards, a carrot dangled in front of my face leading me into the work that would have to be done to take me there.
I learned early in my medicine journey to surrender fully into the complete and total allowing of my intuition, so when I was guided to take improv class, I questioned nothing and quickly signed up.
The seven-week-long class ripped me from my comfort zone, showing me pieces of me that needed my love and attention. “Yes, and…” is the foundational improv principle. Simply say Yes to everything without question, and see what happens next. I followed the creative flow of Source, and saw the healing benefits of learning this new skill, but had absolutely no idea about what was to come from this experience.
Four days after improv class ended, I was in a collaborative medicine ceremony with a large group of light-workers. We were all working together to help each other lean into our darkness and bring in the light. I’d just finished working with an abuse survivor. I was exhausted, and wanted to rest in solitude.
I found a quiet corner and curled up for a nap when I heard a voice over me, “Your aura is exquisite.” I opened my eyes to see a beautiful young man standing over me, moving as if in dance while manipulating my energetic field.
“I hope it is okay if I work with your energy,” he said.
Instantly, my ego started screaming in my head, “Leave me alone. Do not touch me. I don’t know you. Go away.” At the same time, my soul whispered, “He is safe. Open to him in truth.”
“I don’t normally let people I don’t know in to my energy,” I said to the angelic being.
“Why?” he whispered.
“I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor,” I shared.
He peacefully sat down next to me, gazed deeply into my eyes, then said, “You are amazing. I am going to kiss you now.”
He gently kissed me on my third eye, then rose and drifted away on the same light through which he’d appeared.
I curled into a fetal position when he left, holding in every emotion I had, a dam waiting to burst. I felt violated, unsafe and completely filled with anxious fear, overwhelmed with screams begging to be heard.
In the midst of this struggle, my higher self whispered the healing words that had helped me explode my blocks before, “Do you want to do this the hard way, or do you want to do this the easy way?”
Thankfully, I always pick the easy way.
From fetal position, I threw open my arms and started releasing the fear, the cries, the pain, with deep in-breaths and exhales of “Agh!” Crying now, begging the Universe for answers. “Why me? Why this? Why more? When will it be over?”
Having long ago learned that gratitude for the pain, for the cleansing, for the clearing, for the release, served me much better than the victim mentality, I began to repeat, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”
My higher self, having guided me to the other side of the pain, etherically began to stroke my hair.
“Great job, baby. No need to ask why. Just simply surrender to this moment in time. No past. No future. No questions. No answers. All you need is now. ‘Yes, and…’ to open your self to the pleasures of All That Is. Just say ‘Yes, and…’ open.”
A deep breath. Improv class. Taking in the depth of that learning. Realizing this will now be my life, my “Yes, and…” life. Integrating that as the deepest truth I have ever known.
“Thank you.” Inhale, slow and deep. “Yes, and…” Exhale, slow and deep. “Thank you.” Inhale, slow and deep. “Yes, and…” Exhale, slow and deep.
Keep going, yes, don’t stop. Don’t stop. Do not ever stop…
My breath quickened. Pleasure began to fill my entire body from head to toe. There were people around. Orgasmic pleasure overtaking me, begging to be expressed. But the people, what will they think? Who cares?
Surrender. This is what you prayed for, what you deserve.
Thank you! Yes, and…
Ah, yes, yes, yes and Yes!
The sweetest taste of the blissfully orgasmic life I was promised, Oh my God, Yes!
In awe of this gift, of this pleasure that I could now harness at will, knowing that the life I deserve, that I worked so hard for, was finally coming to fruition.
Completely satisfied to the core of my being, eagerly anticipating and fully sated at the same time, I drifted into the most exquisitely peaceful sleep. Done.
A week later, driving in the car, on my way to work with a client, my favorite song playing, singing at the top of my lungs, breathing deeply into my core, a lightness filled me. The lyrics of the song became “Thank you, ah. Thank you, ah.”
The familiarity of the pleasure began to fill me. I let it take me. I surrendered fully.
Oh my God, yes, yes, Yes, and… !
Christie Del Vesco is a College Administrator and Professor, a Universalist Minister, a member of the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau and single mom. She’s a children’s advocate, a survivor of many forms of sexual violence, and a voice for the survivors who have yet to find their own. Chris is a firm believer that we go through what we do, to help others when they go through the same. She also believes if we would all just “be the change,” we can change the world.