Dear Lover, It’s Too Late.
I was never going to be okay with a halfway kind of love. You know, the one where you have one foot in the door with me, but your heart belongs to someone else? I know I said I was okay with whatever bits you wanted to give, but as those bits grew in size, so did my love for you.
There were things about me that I never told you. Like, I never mentioned how hard it was for me to be the other woman. And as much as you tried to tell me that I wasn’t, I was kept a secret that you never intended on sharing. You say it was to spare her feelings, but again I ask, what about mine?
Where did I fit in all of this? You tell me I’m not crazy, that what I felt you were feeling too. That we both served as teacher/student, lover, friend, muse, best friends and worst enemies at times, but at the end of the day, you had no problem walking away from what we shared. You listened to me crying and professing my love to you with complete indifference. And when I asked you not to walk away, you said, “Too late.”
Yes, I was too late. I can’t figure out why the Universe would bring us together only to be too late upon arrival, and I can’t fathom the level of hurt you must be feeling in order to say that to me. For that, I apologize. If it is any consolation, my hurtful words have been in direct proportion to your hurtful actions, and I suppose that has always been where we’ve mirrored each other best. In our hurt.
The differences between us are many, but I think the biggest one of all — the one that takes the cake — is my truth. That this connection on a spiritual level has surpassed any connection I have ever felt to date. That there is something so powerful that exists between us that it makes all others pale in comparison.
That when our eyes meet, new worlds are created, and when we share in love together, it’s like a brand new universe is born. I would have walked to the ends of the Earth to make this work if that’s what it took, but you wouldn’t have.
I told you once that this thing between us was fucking beautiful, like looking at a solar eclipse and not caring if it burned my retina — I would have kept admiring it, I would have gone blind for this. But the sad fact is, I was the only one between us who saw that. I was, and have always been in this, alone.
I used to think I wasn’t mature enough to be in this with you, but I think the reality is that maybe it takes more maturity to give someone all of themselves. To give both light and dark, and still be willing to look them in the eye at the end of the day and say, “It’s okay. I still choose you.” That takes a lot of integrity and strength.
I know I am by no means an easy love. I require strength and courage and a willingness to stand your ground. I told you that it takes two hands to handle me. But I also know that there is something incredibly sweet and endearing inside of me. I am loyal and passionate, and I would have never done you wrong.
Yes, my words can be blunt at times, but if you cannot see or feel the love I have for you when all is said and done, then I guess you’re right — this is never going to work between us.
They say that time is cyclical in nature. That nothing really dies or ends, but this feels like the end. Perhaps the ground our seeds were planted in was just not the right environment.
I know there were times when those seeds sprouted and I got to witness some of the most brilliant flowers as they made their way out of hiding from the ground, but we couldn’t seem to keep them alive long enough to really enjoy them.
So, my muse, my lover, my best friend, my teacher, my student, and my worst enemy, I thank you for showing me some of the most beautiful flowers I ever had the chance of witnessing. There are many people in search of a garden like ours, I’m thankful I got a taste.
The Woman Who Loves You
Natalie Sophia is a self-proclaimed writer, healer, yogini. Her mission in life is to heal and be healed. She loves to laugh, to feel and to write. She began her journey of awakening a few years ago, and though there are times she longs to go ‘back to sleep’, she knows she has work to do. Her work and her passion are one and the same, and she hopes to inspire others on their life path to attend to their deepest longings as a soul in a human body. Natalie feels that life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. She knows that pain can be inevitable, but there is always choice in the story created from that pain. Feel free to check out more from Natalie on her website and Facebook.