Why I Recommend Going Crazy.
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The day I left my husband, people said I went crazy.
“Does he beat you or cheat on you?”
“No.”
“Then what is the problem?”
The day I started seeing a therapist, people said I was crazy.
The day I publicly shared the story of my childhood with an audience for the first time, people said I was crazy.
The day I published my first piece on why people with PTSD should embrace their triggers, people said I was crazy.
The day I pierced my nose, the day I became a member of the RAINN Speakers Bureau, the day I got my first tattoo, the day I wrote to the nearest prison to share how to heal from our only problem, our pain, the day I drank Ayahuasca for the first time, the day I regressed my daughter back to her foundational abandonment wound in the nursery of the hospital where she was born, people said I was crazy.
The list is long. There is so much more to how incredibly crazy I truly am.
“Who in their right mind would do these things? What is wrong with you? You are crazy!”
Indeed I am, and I am convinced that going crazy is absolutely, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me. In fact, I am convinced everyone should go crazy.
So here is a guidebook to jumping on the crazy train…
How did I go crazy?
I went crazy the day I decided not to live life like everyone else. I went crazy the day I decided what everyone said I was supposed to have was not what I wanted, it was not enough. I had it all, everything we are supposed to want, what we are told will satisfy us, bring us fulfillment and happiness.
I had the perfect job, the perfect husband, the perfect child, the perfect BMW, the perfect boat, the perfect jewelry, perfect home and the deepest, darkest misery I had ever experienced or ever even knew was possible.
What is this lie we are being fed on this planet? Better yet, why do we buy into it and when do we wake up?
Enough was enough. I was done. I was no longer buying the lie. I was going to find the truth for myself. I wanted, needed and deserved more. What that looked like, I had no idea, no example, no one to show me what it was that I wanted, but I knew with every cell of my being it was so much more than this.
What I learned by going crazy…
In waking up from the dream, in no longer listening to the planetary bullshit that keeps us stuck, I learned that suffering is the answer.
All the self-help books, the internet, all the gurus tell us that love is the answer. That is partly true.
They tell us, “Change your thoughts, change your life,” “To heal a wound, you must stop touching it,” “Live in the moment.” All these bits of advice, the many, many books we’ve read on how to be happy and fulfilled, they’ve just served to make us feel more inadequate, more like a failure.
“I read *insert name of latest self-help craze here* and it did not work!”
What is wrong with me? I am not worthy. I am not capable. I just cannot make it happen. I deserve this darkness I sit in. I am just ungrateful and inadequate.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit and bullshit.
Here is what the majority of self-help books and the like leave out: your pain and the dark parts these programs convince you that you can bypass, they hold every answer you need.
Real suffering holds the answer to breaking free of the lie. It is the answer to the return to love, peace, power and freedom, but nobody wants to talk about it, because the pain, their suffering is what they truly cannot face.
Real suffering is that of a helpless innocent child. A child who has no options about how their needs are met. They are the true victims of the Universe. Real suffering is when our instincts tell us as a child, just simply survive, and in that day, because that child did, their needs were met.
Real suffering is that the child was learning about the world and how to function in it while just simply not dying. Real suffering is that is the childhood moments when we felt the least love, we learned the most and we got stuck there.
That is real suffering, and embracing that is what will return you to real love, real power and real freedom.
Being stuck in that moment until an adult takes over and heals you back to love, that is real suffering, and that is the answer to every problem you have. The fact that the majority of the time, the only adult who can do it, the only one who can truly see the depth of the child’s suffering, is the adult version of them many, many years later. That is a whole lot of suffering between point A and point B.
And here is the other thing I learned: it does not have to be like this. It is time to end this excruciatingly painful cycle.
Why you should go crazy too…
It is time we heal our own pain and suffering. When we do, we will be able to see it clearly in our children’s cries for help and we will be able to address the truth of why our children are in pain.
People love in the best and only way they know how, and we cannot give a gift to another until we give it to ourselves. Only when we heal our suffering can we face the truth of suffering in another. Only when we heal ourselves can we truly end the cycle by being the parents our children — and ultimately, this planet — wants, needs and deserves.
Yes, it is true, I am not the norm. These are not society’s views.
I learned the answer is to love pain and suffering. They excite me now. I realize they hold every answer to the suffering of all, and I see them as the greatest gifts I have ever received.
I am, indeed, crazy. I am convinced this is the best kind of craziness. I am convinced this craziness is the truth. I am convinced this craziness is what we all deserve. I am convinced that this craziness is the truth of all that is and is the only way to return to love.
I highly recommend everyone go this kind of crazy. Please love yourself enough to go crazy like me.
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Christie Del Vesco is a College Administrator and Professor, a Universalist Minister, a member of the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau and single mom. She’s a children’s advocate, a survivor of many forms of sexual violence, and a voice for the survivors who have yet to find their own. Chris is a firm believer that we go through what we do, to help others when they go through the same. She also believes if we would all just “be the change,” we can change the world.
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