you and me

Fire-Walking: You Are More Than This Trauma.

 

“You are more than this trauma. You are more than this pain.”

Bones ache

Retching with toxins

Writhing in pain

Feral with fear and a fight that was never completed

Called once again to ride the waves of this storm. This one is anger, sacred feminine rage. Before it was grief, heart-shattering. Waves of guilt and silenced with shame. Years spent swimming in denial, not yet ready to plunge deep into the waters of healing something this vile and heartbreaking.

Every time I arrive here, it feels like a fire-walk. A battle. A journey into hell. Always haunted with and standing at the precipice of going mad. Of disappearing into it.

And yet I know this is not true. That on the other side of this, I’ll feel rebelliously alive. Liberated. More free. More whole than ever before.

But trauma has you forget this. It erases time and the somatic resonance of this knowing. Bringing a storm to the surface that keeps you busy with trying to stay afloat. Yet right under the turbulence is the depths of who you are. The truth of the waters of your essence. Below that, the bedrock of the earth. Deeper still, the embrace of the Divine.

Today I was wracked with pain. Bone-aching. More tears than I knew I could cry. An urge to purge putrid anger from my body. And yet being paralyzed with fear, forgetting in the face of emotions all the work I have done. The truth of who I am.

Some days the storms get too loud, and all the medicine that I give to others I suddenly forget to give to myself. And then a reminder. A sister sharing “Rewrite the story of your wholeness” — a mantra I have offered to others and whispered to myself again and again. A friend softly placing a hand on my back, holding my heart. Another wrapping me in an embrace so tight I could do nothing than be in my body.

And my heart breaks open, softness is suddenly possible.

And I remember why I am here to heal this. The gifts of this trauma. To tell my story again and again in service of others’ liberation and healing.

So for you, I will go into this battle. For you, I will brave the storm. For you, I will pour out my heart and share my story. Because if I can be of service to just one being facing this pain, then it is all worth it. If I can offer you the reminder of your wholeness in the face of trauma, I will plunge into the darkness again and again to remember my own.

If I can awaken just one human with the resonance of my story, to help them step out of guilt and shame, to receive the healing they deserve, then every tear has had a purpose.

Today it looks like wrapping myself in the mantra of

“You are more than this trauma. You are more than this pain.”

Eat three meals. Drink water. Cry tears. Be held. Sleep.

Tomorrow it is a fire ceremony and alchemy.

After that, it may look like speaking my truth more loudly. Pulsing with the knowing of my wholeness.  Screaming to the world, how the silence and our pervasive denial, shaming, and disassociation from trauma is killing us all. It may look like pouring out my heart through writing. Or perhaps holding others as they ride the waves and weather the storm.

But for tonight, I will just whisper to you and myself,

“You are more than this trauma. You are more than this pain.”

Some days the healing is quiet.

Some days the healing is simply celebrating that you’re still here.

Some days the healing is a revolution of fierce love and radical truth.

Let it be quiet.

Let it be loud.

The fact that you’ve chosen to be here is enough.

“You are more than this trauma. You are more than this pain.”

Underneath it all, I promise you’re whole.

With all the love that I humanly am,

Caity

***

CaityFlanaganCaity Flanagan has been in deep communication with the plant & spirit world since a young age. Her passion and connection to nature has lead her down the path of becoming an herbal practitioner, plant spirit healer, and modern day medicine woman. She speaks sutras of the heart and is in total devotion to the divine feminine, using the modalities of reiki, tantric meditation, and coaching to connect people to their own hearts and divinity. Caity is the creator of Love & Alchemy and the founder of The Wild Calling, a 9 month initiation into the sacred feminine. At the core of all she does is a profound reverence for finding the sacred in the ordinary, the power of desire, and the extraordinary alchemy of the world around us. You can find out more about Caity and her work at her personal websiteLove & Alchemy, and The Wild Calling.

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