The Pleasure to Be: Why I Love Those Days Where I Can Do Nothing Without Being Judged.
I’ve been in a slow cooker for a while now.
This state I’ve been on for years, of living truthfully and doing what truly matters to me, in which I never know if one minute it will lead me to more creative driven newness or more triggered painful past memories. Some call it spiritual awakening, others call it post-traumatic stress disorder, transitioning, creating oneself, unemployment, entrepreneurship, and even sabbatical period.
I see it as the unfoldment of the debunking of untruthful conditioning that limited my life experience for many years, and that was set as a standard, regardless of if it made me happy or not. Having said that, everyone seems to enjoy the benefits of my spiritual awakening, as long as they adhere to only the good stuff, the fairy dust, the positivity, the health tips, the creative empowerment and the resilience.
That is, as long as I always remain strong, positive, and keep going, no matter what. No matter if my personal space is being invaded, or if I am diving dark waters of self-doubt and battling opposition in the form of belief systems based on fear, wherever I go. No matter if the solar flares are so potent that my body feels like walking jello, no matter if my menstrual pains are stronger, no matter if I feel no pain at all.
It is expected of me to corroborate day to day my evolution, my growth, my endurance.
All because I live with other people. That means, I am always being under someone’s magnifying glass and I have to waste huge amounts of energy in justifying, explaining, masking and distracting so I can actually retreat with no reservations.
That is because the people I live with have a very slight awareness of self-care, but are not really into naps, snacking, binge-watching and relaxing, unless they are absolutely drained, exhausted, demolished. Not sooner but later, if you must.
I live with the people who created this unhealthy foundation of going beyond one’s physical limits to prove to others that one is worthy, disciplined, acceptable, constant and resilient, as long as the physical, mental and emotional bodies are treated like trash bags that get recycled the morning after.
This is my biological family, whose purpose was to imprint these belief systems on me of self-sacrifice so that I could emancipate from everything toxic. So they get very uncomfortable with me living here for almost two years and not getting a job and moving out. I can feel the pressure every day since I came back.
Is she napping more than twice a day? Why is she tired if she does nothing? She goes to bed too early. She’s been watching movies for hours. She hasn’t moved from the couch. She hasn’t taken a shower. I can hear their thoughts roaming around the house, and have been oftentimes confronted by their judgments in the form of comparisons, demands, and insulting words.
I know they think I am watching Netflix because I am lazy, because I don’t want to go get a job. They have no idea how many emails I send a day that are never witnesses to a response. They have no idea that by the time I sit down and commit to Netflix, I am actually on the verge of a panic attack due to stress.
And every day I ask myself the same question: When? When am I getting out of here? When will I live my life again? When will I be recognized for my talents again?
I miss work, I miss talking to kindred, I miss making money out of the things I love, but life has tossed this curveball and self-care keeps coming up over and over as a lesson, so I wonder if the reason why I haven’t been able to successfully move forward is because I still need to learn the greatest lesson of all: to look after me, to take care of me, to focus on me, before I can even enlist the Universe for outside help, because outside help for me has come at a great cost.
My past is filled with unjust exchanges to say the very least, not to say I haven’t encountered a kind person here and there, but most of the times, it has been: Who will die first, me or you? Is it my chronically depressed boyfriend or my over-giving heart? Is it the job of my dreams to work for free or accept a shitty paycheck to be a slave?
Is it housing in exchange for all of my time, or expensive roommates with psychotic behaviors included? Is it getting help but losing autonomy, freedom and individuality, or is it pushing until I break down?
See the imbalance? These are not equal exchanges, and the Number One reason why it’s hard for me to trust in anyone’s help is because it comes with conditions, and my freedom, values and time are no longer negotiables when it comes to partnering up, getting a job or working for a goal. And I realized that how I get there is important.
I don’t want to get there dead, and mental health, emotional and mental balance are huge. The only way I can know if I am getting there in an ecological manner is by using my intuition, and my intuition is asking me to retreat, integrate, rest… a lot. Yes, even after I just woke up, my body will often require a morning and afternoon nap daily at the very least.
And I know it’s weird for others, and I know they sit in displeasure and start crafting little stories in their mind as to why I should be resting if I don’t have a medical condition that requires it, but I do. I’m chronically sick of biting more than I can chew just so others think I am living.
I’m purging ancient wounds, I am loving my psyche back into wholeness, I am learning what my body needs, I am learning navigation, listening, self-awareness, self-knowledge, and these are not easy things to learn, especially when you spent the last 10 years of your life pushing yourself to exhaustion, exhausted by other people, lack of proper boundaries and dysfunctional relating, codependency and uncertainty.
I am also learning to create from thin air, and magic requires concentration and breaks.
So in order to survive the process of becoming, while under the scope of witnesses, I have to craft my day so that it looks cohesive to other people. Even if I just schedule my couch time, which is a place where I am seen by everyone and then spend the rest of the day in my room. I have to light cigarettes in intervals so I don’t look unstable and dosify my philosophical inquires so I don’t overwhelm my friends.
I have to balance some small outings with my greater need to stay at home most of the time. I have learned to be thankful of the times I am left alone and don’t have to pretend anything, nor that I am okay, nor that I am not feeling altogether. I have to protect myself from others and their hostile energies because I am deprogramming from all of that.
But sometimes a miracle takes place… sometimes the Universe sits by my side and helps me pursue this effortlessly, that is when it rains, when it’s cold outside, when others feel compelled to watch a movie too, when others are inspired to take a nap too, and there I find bliss, in those days where I can actually do nothing that is imposed and I don’t have to explain myself. I can just be.
Laura Piquero is the Queen of Duality. A communicator of duality with an emphasis on self-healing and self-transformation, through the process of awakening and honoring our deepest emotions (both light and shadow aspects). Heavily encouraging the process of rebirth through self-destruction and self-construction, and defying — through consciously bold narrative — society, thought patterns, core wounds and beliefs. Kali, Pelé, the tides, the hurricanes, volcanoes, thunder, they all teach us the same thing.