When Saturn Killed Pluto: Today I Approached Myself Cautiously. {poetry}

How to Be Pretty
How to Find Happiness in Ten Days

What I need is

How to eat on a regular schedule
How to live without drowning


Not long ago I was an
Empty disaster a
Researcher of commotion

Saying, hey Chaos,
Come closer
Kiss my neck and
Tell me that you love me
Child of Jupiter I expand-crash like oceans

I’m just too big and no one can hold me
Too intense and no one can see me

Too dark, so no one can handle it

I was pretty adamant


Today I approached myself cautiously

As if she were a sleeping lion
Or a hill of fire-ants

See, usually
The two of us are inseparable
A team that became one
She helped me when I was sad, once
She said this is how you create alchemy
How you mold power out of loss
And it was nice.
I didn’t know any better
Didn’t know it should just
Be a one-night stand
So, she stayed

And now
We cause our own catastrophes
We explore the wormholes of sadness
The soft blankets of despair
And we hang out there for a while
Then we rebuild, together
Like the pyramids of Egypt
Brick by brick
Slowly, slowly
A dramatic rebirth
We don’t mind.
We like it, actually
We always end up higher than before

But this time I didn’t play along

I mean I spent the night with her
We swam around in bed
Our limbs the roots of trees
Not knowing where she began
and I ended
We comforted each other like we always do
And her lips dripped like cherries
And they whispered
This is the best, isn’t it?
This is the way we grow
This is just how we are

I said well, yes but
There was this boy
And he told me he thinks I’ve
Been affiliated with Death too long.
And even Persephone
Came above ground for the summer
Do you think maybe —

I wonder if —

— What if this time
We didn’t
Dismantle all aspects of life we couldn’t handle
What if we worked with them instead

She said no, you are wrong
Come here love let’s have
Multiple orgasms of grief
We can be like winter
Painting beautiful snow while everything dies
It’ll be fun

But for the first time I ignored her
Ripped us apart like Velcro
I couldn’t see from tears but I
Left the room I
Went out into the sun

The sun lit my face he said
Remember me?
I do matter

I reached out to friends they said
Her time is over now
They said don’t meet new situations with
Old patterns
I said I’m not sure who to believe
Could it be she lives for deception

And it was good but kinda weird
A little lonely
To be without her in the world

So today I thought maybe I would talk to her again

Today I approached myself cautiously
I said I feel like we need to reconnect
And I sat in quiet and I listened

And half of me still feels empty
Because she didn’t answer
She wasn’t there
And I don’t know where she went


Demetra Szatkowski is an astrologer, a personal trainer, and an empowerment coach for women. Her work also focuses on sexual energy and liberation, herbalism, and witchcraft. Find out more about her on her website or follow her on Instagram.


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