you & me

Thank You for Bringing Darkness to My Awareness.

 

To every person who’s hurt me in a relationship:

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for showing me the pieces of me that still need my love and attention.

Thank you for bringing my darkness to my awareness.

Thank you for helping me to find my pain that I could not find alone.

Thank you for making me feel voiceless so I could find my voice.

Thank you for making me feel invisible so I could truly see myself.

Thank you for making me feel unworthy so I could find my worth.

Thank you for making me feel unlovable so I could love myself.

Thank you for lashing out at me with painful words so I could recognize that the only way your words can hurt me is if I actually believe them. Thank you for showing me the pieces of me that believe your unkind words. Thank you for showing me more pieces of me that need healing.

Thank you for being in pain. Thank you for mirroring my own pain back to me, for showing me so clearly what hurts in me, for forcing me to realize that we attract what we are, not what we want, and that for us to have been together, I too must have been deeply hurting. Thank you for ripping me out of my denial even if I was initially kicking and screaming.

Thank you for letting me think I was angry at you. Thank you for guiding me to the truth that it is impossible for me to be angry at another unless in truth I am angry at myself for all I’ve denied in me, all I’m ashamed of in me, and all that I invited and allowed while connected to others.

Thank you for creating pain in me that was so real and so raw that it led me to lash out at you. While I am deeply sorry for hurting you from my place of pain, thank you for showing me the deepest darkness in myself, the darkness that made me want to ensure that you too were hurting.

Thank you for forcing me in my shame to address the root of that shame, the hurting little girl inside of me who still throws tantrums while she begs to be seen, heard and loved.

Thank you for not forgiving me so that I could see it was actually I who wanted, needed and deserved my own forgiveness all along.

Thank you for abandoning me so I could go search for the deepest pieces of me that I’ve left alone in the darkness to suffer without connection. Thank you for guiding me to reconnect to myself.

Thank you for making me feel like I was easy to walk away from so that I could return to me, the pieces of myself that I easily walked away from and left behind while connected to you. Thank you for mirroring, in your treatment of me, exactly how I have treated myself. Thank you for showing me how I was hurting myself in a misguided, denial-of-self-based effort to try to help others.

Thank you for leaving me alone in my darkness so I could save myself.

***

Christie Del Vesco is a College Administrator and Professor, a Universalist Minister, a member of the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau and single mom. She’s a children’s advocate, a survivor of many forms of sexual violence, and a voice for the survivors who have yet to find their own. Chris is a firm believer that we go through what we do, to help others when they go through the same. She also believes if we would all just “be the change,” we can change the world.

***

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