you and me

Revolutionary Moms: Redefining Motherhood.

 

“Mom, can I reorganize the kitchen cabinets?” asked my son. What 17-year-old makes such a request? Certainly not mine?

“Go for it,” I told him, and he went to work as I watched, giddily perplexed.

These types of conversations have been happening more and more in my home over the last few years. The week after the kitchen cabinets question, he said to me over lunch, “Mom, I have two requests,” and then proceeded to ask me to use my credit card and to lend him money, reminding me with the utmost maturity that I can say Yes or No.

That he laid out the requests so clearly, and had no attachment to my answers, was a huge shift.

{Photo credit: Brenda Fredericks}

 

In that moment, time stood still. My body tingled with the magnitude of realizing that all my inner work was being reflected back to me through my son. My new healthier method of communication had become such a big part of my vernacular, and he’d naturally picked it up.

It wasn’t long before this that he barely communicated beyond an audible grunt. He blamed me for pretty much everything. I was at my wit’s end, and I was exhausted. It felt like I couldn’t do anything right, and the more I tried, the worse I felt.

The technology prompting this powerful shift is simple, but not easy. I embarked on a journey of nourishing myself from the inside out. I carved out real time for myself to fill my soul. I got a coach. I did deep inner work to look at why I struggled so much in the areas of intimacy, communication and boundaries.

I became part of a women’s community that focused on self-love and sisterhood, I took up a 15-minute consciousness practice called Orgasmic Meditation, started dancing, dating, and having the sex my body was craving.

I’ll be honest, it often felt counter-intuitive to invest that much in myself. The internal voices of disdain were loud. They ranged from good mothers are available 24/7 to my desires are destructive and I’d better tamp them down. I struggled with feeling guilty, and felt external and internal judgment.

Even though my inner light flicked on and I started feeling alive again through my own transformation, the negative voices were still loud. They often slowed me down, sometimes stopping me in my tracks and making me question myself. I didn’t know it then, but this is a natural step in the practice of transformation, and it’s a bitch.

Our mother-meters are vigilant. We need to know our kids are doing well, and most mothers report that they will gladly fulfill their kids’ needs before their own. But, honestly, this is backwards. It must start with the mothers — we must learn how to take really good care of ourselves first and then teach that to our kids.

Every single time I looked objectively at the value of my personal transformation, I found that following my personal desires was growing me into the best version of myself. I felt truly joyful and alive. From there, I was a more effective parent and my teenagers were thriving in ways that astounded me. The cabinets are the practical evidence.

This concept of redefining motherhood is working its magic from coast to coast.

Charmaine Mitchell is a woman who knows that being a great mom means following her own personal pleasure. A mom following her own pleasure? She must be selfish. And Charmaine is, in all the best ways. This divorced sexpot mom of four knows better than to listen to the cultural messages that being tired and wired is a virtue.

On a daily basis, she breaks the glass ceiling of what our society says a mother deserves, and her kids are 100% on board.

{Photo credit: Brenda Fredericks}

 

Getting to this point took dedication, a rewiring of her belief system, and a willingness to valiantly follow her desire. In the past, Charmaine felt like a slave to her kids’ activities, and was running a household on an empty bucket. She began blaming her husband for her unhappiness, and wondered where her inner radiance went.

This confused her, because though she loved being a mother, she felt it was draining her life force. She intuitively knew this was not how she wanted to raise her children, so she began a pleasure research journey.

This was a more challenging path than she realized, because for her, it meant traveling, and being away from her children for periods of time. Her internal voices of doubt were loud. She researched it regardless, and filled herself up on pleasure, desire, and felt nourished for the first time in years. She always returned home joyful with so much love to pour on her children.

From that experience grew a new desire: to integrate this newfound joie de vivre into her daily life as a mom.

She began by shifting her focus to her personal pleasure. She built this practice up slowly, and now takes exquisite care of herself, inside and out. Her mornings begin with her three daughters, ages 18, 16 and 12, with a meditation, gratitude and intention-setting rituals for the day, all while doing hip circles. Yes, hip circles.

Charmaine is open about the importance of a woman’s connection to her body. Her kids all freely ask her about sex, relationships and dating. And they get the full-on truth as an answer, because for Charmaine, nothing less will do.

To be in the presence of Charmaine and her daughters is to be transported to another time, as Charmaine will randomly love-bomb her kids, and if she’s late to an appointment because she is getting smothered by teenage kisses, she is just fine with that. In fact, she welcomes it.

Kimberly Baker Simms is another example of a mom dedicated to pleasure and following her desires. She treats herself to a minimum of three doses of pleasure daily. She is a radiant, happily married mother of four, and is serious about living a pleasured life. So serious that she teaches other moms to do the same through her growing business, The Pleasured Mom.

Every day she asks herself, “How would I like to wake up?” and “What does my body need right now?” And then she gives it to herself.

It wasn’t always that way though. After her mother’s death, she experienced a long period of anger, hurt and despair, which brought her to her knees. She was deeply depressed, angry, and felt empty inside. When she fully claimed this darkness as well as her light, she felt an integration happen inside her. Her attention naturally shifted to living a life of authenticity, which now includes deeply enjoying motherhood.

She did this by carving a road map back to her body. When she felt called to be in nature, she began gardening. When her body craved movement, she danced. When she wanted deep sisterhood, she found a tribe of powerful women. She no longer relied on wine to feel better, and everything in her life began revolving around what made her feel at her best.

She felt truly reborn. Yes, even with four kids and a husband.

Kimberly’s vision to take care of herself on a deep level has made her a rock star mom. Kimberly and her daughter Zahra have a ritual to stand in front of the mirror, hug themselves and compliment their beautiful bodies. At 12, Zahra already takes time for herself with candlelit baths, and knows that a woman is at her best when she is authentic and free.

Kimberly’s family truly embodies freedom. On any given day, they dance around their Brooklyn apartment or have pillow fights, all instigated by Kimberly.

{Photo credit: Renee Choi Photography via Brenda Fredericks}

 

Mothers are a force of nature, the source of life, and weave together the fabric of families. What we believe about ourselves is transmitted to our children, our men and the women around us. When angry, we can scorch a village, and when joyful, we can build one from scratch.

It takes a lot of willingness and courage for a woman to live beyond the cultural expectation of dog-tired and burned-out. And yet, it’s possible. When empowered, moms teach their children to dream big, to take chances, to own their gifts from a place of authenticity, because they are doing it themselves.

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Brenda Fredericks is a Transformational Coach for moms and an Orgasmic Meditation Trainer. She guides women to live more authentically, have better sex and more freedom. She’s a mother of two, a former middle school teacher, and has been on a 10-year journey of claiming her power as a woman and mother. Learn more and connect with her via her website.

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