poetry

The Face of Abandonment. {poetry}

 

Abandonment has a face.
His eyes stare deeply into my own
And his smile sets my heart
Into a whole new rhythm.

Abandonment wakes me up
In the middle of the night
I reach over not to find him lying next to me,
But instead a cold, lifeless phone
Dangling between my warm hands.

Abandonment makes me wonder
Who else he is giving his time to,
Who might be better at fulfilling his needs
And what it is about me that Abandonment seems to find so… repelling?

I reassure myself by shaking my head
As if that act will shake away the feelings of
Inadequacy and insecurity that Abandonment leaves in
His wake.

Because who really cares when Abandonment has sex appeal?
He sends shivers down my spine with a look
And he knows all the places of my body
That make me come alive.

Abandonment doesn’t seem to know much else about me
And oftentimes I wonder how much he hears
When I speak.
But I assure myself that Abandonment just needs some time
To get to know me better.

Because pretty soon I start to notice
That Abandonment kind of looks familiar to me.

Abandonment’s love feels right… somehow
Somehow, what another would perceive to be
A scalding fire,
I see as a warm blanket to snuggle up with.

And I realize that the warm blanket
Also looks vaguely familiar,
Like the one I had from childhood,
Only this one is designed slightly different.

At least I reason that with myself
As I dry the tears from my eyes,
Surely this is love, for if it wasn’t… well…

Abandonment calls me to tell me he is done
And I am left scratching my head
Because all I ever wanted was for him to love me.

I would have been anything Abandonment wanted me to be,
Because… how could I possibly live without the warmth of that blanket,
Even on those days when it did feel more like a fire?

But before Abandonment leaves,
I do the best I can to make him stay,
Like making sure he knows just how much I loved him,
Just how good he had it,
And just how much he hurt me.

But he goes anyway,
Because why wouldn’t he?

And so I lie cold and naked on the bed,
No more of Abandonment’s love to snuggle up with.

And I wonder why I was put on this Earth,
And I pray for a miracle.

Abandonment has a face
She is the one I stare at every day of my life
The one I have seen in the mirror
Every day since my childhood.

She is the warm blanket
And she leaves me always when I need her the most

I never feel good enough for her
Or pretty enough for her
And I hope that some day she hears my cry
For her love.

And now I understand that Abandonment
Would have continued to meet me
Dressed up in a new body
With newer sex appeal
And prettier designs.

Had I not prayed for a miracle,
I may not have ever seen
The true face of Abandonment.

She has a face.
Her face is mine.

And she has committed to never leaving me again.

Abandonment has a new name
She’s called Self-Love and Loyalty
She’s called Self-Soothing and Self-Contained
She’s called Beautiful and Worthy
She’s called Powerful and Lovable

She’s called… Me.

***

Natalie Sophia is a self-proclaimed writer, healer, yogini. Her mission in life is to heal and be healed. She loves to laugh, to feel and to write. She began her journey of awakening a few years ago, and though there are times she longs to go ‘back to sleep’, she knows she has work to do. Her work and her passion are one and the same, and she hopes to inspire others on their life path to attend to their deepest longings as a soul in a human body. Natalie feels that life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. She knows that pain can be inevitable, but there is always choice in the story created from that pain. Feel free to check out more from Natalie on Facebook.

***

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