I Am Here to Know Power and Everything That Comes with It.
When you and your boyfriend of under a week break up, you buy a lot of dairy-based products. Hello, ice cream, cheesecake, and creamy sauces!
You choose to embrace being bloated and gassy, because fuck it, you love yourself.
As I eat my non-paleo meal of smoked salmon, feta kale scrambled eggs, and avocado, all stuffed into a warm croissant, I reflect on all the lessons I have been learning, and how they have inevitably led back to solitude. It is in this solitude that I feel fully whole and connected with myself. I wonder: why do I lose this level of wholeness when I start relating more closely and sharing life more fully with others?
Am I destined to only feel whole with my pup by my side and brief encounters with human beings? Are we all like this, or is this a byproduct of all the trauma I’ve experienced?
I remember a spiritual reading I received from one of my beloved teachers: I am here to know power, and everything that comes with it.
I am in a period of service; I am learning through service. For this period, my purpose has been to support and develop manifesting the dreams of others. Through this purpose, I have worked alongside all sorts of powerful people.
“Oh, but he’s powerful.”
Fuck! What is power, and what do we even mean by the word?
As I engage, serve, and learn from these allegedly powerful men and women, who are supposed experts selling their programs to their hungry fans, something inside me grows uncomfortable.
Ever alluring, charismatic, and magnetic in their personalities, I get sucked in, just like the others. As I get closer though, I almost always find chinks in the facade. I realize I am serving teachers who don’t practice what they preach, and question my morality in continuing to do so.
My devotion first and foremost is in the collective’s upward, conscious evolution. My spiritual practice is kindness and integrity. Am I serving humanity in helping these individuals? How can I serve both these well-meaning powerhouses as well as protect the masses from snake oil salesmen?
Where are the leaders who are truly happy and balanced that I can serve? I suppose they are not grasping for more attention than is freely given by the Universe.
It seems so simple, and yet I have met many who view life as something to be pillaged and taken, rather than a gift to be received.
As I continue my work through the world of entrepreneurial self-development dream-manifesting, I have learned how much of a double-edged sword it is to chase our dreams. There is a great difference between allowing our dreams to unfold and, in contrast, forcing them to happen, right now. I remember a client saying, “This had to be done yesterday.”
The image I received this morning was human hands trying to harvest fruit from a baby shoot. Buds and fruit will come, if we can stop screaming at the shoot to grow faster.
Within the supposed strength of the boastful king, I have found brokenness, insecurity, scattered thinking, and frantic, lustful, gluttonous desires that leave him always wanting more. Others commend him on his success, and so does he. He boasts having this and that, but is he happy? No. He is alone, a prisoner to his own addictions, and filled with sadness.
He has possessions that he cannot take beyond the grave, and memories devoid of real joy.
In thinking we need more, and must acquire more for our happiness, we lock ourselves in unhappiness. We lock ourselves in overactivity, fear of loss, and insatiable yearning. All from the initial desire and supposed birthright for the pursuit of happiness through our dreams. I suppose everything we say we want comes at a price, but when do we draw the line for sacrifice?
The self-development sector loves to preach to live beyond limits, and become limitless, and I suspect this pretty idea is actually cheap gossamer for succumbing to temptation and lust.
As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
And I see it all so clearly. There it is, the Tao: the dark and light dancing within one another.
In every expert, there is confusion. Within every saint, there is selfishness.
Within every child, there is ancient wisdom. Within the degenerate, there is loyalty and kindness.
Within the light, there is dark. Within the dark, there is light.
Within the outwardly powerful, there is an inner weakness.
And so, perhaps to feel truly powerful, we must learn to outwardly look a little smaller. There is nothing weak about being small, when it means humble, unassuming, and respectful. I know where true power lies now.
Rather than eagerly trusting whoever shows up in my space, I redirect my trust into the Tao and the process of life’s unfolding. It is good for me to remain skeptical and wary of human beings. Even the good ones are as equally dark. The greater they promote themselves as being Light, the deeper the hues of black and blue that lie within.
Alas, the human condition… I love all of us. The second I judge or abolish the dark, it only rears its head in other areas. There is no destroying, only awareness and choice of how we desire to work with these universal laws.
Jezebelle C. is a Yoga teacher, multidisciplinary artist and entrepreneur who launches online startups. With a background that straddles East and West, she loves nature, animals, and controversial topics.