God or the Devil?
I do not know if it was God or the Devil, we hear people say. How much wisdom without suspecting these words enclose, the best kept ancestral secret.
Enclosed indeed, because it has just been left there. As if their cerebral hemispheres connect only for a moment allowing to escape this truth which emanates from centuries and centuries of history.
Born in a religious home, the long-standing tradition of the family and the vast majority of the country, where everything happened but its practice, I grew up surrounded by myths which left immeasurable gaps proportional to my use of reason and judgment.
In spite of basking myself daily in the battle between beliefs and dogmas, something in me claimed to be free, shouted to be heard.
Somehow I knew the soap opera recreated week after week in the sacred pulpit of the church en vogue, was only concealing the power of the Divine to the individual, as four walls between the two. The vast majority restricted by conditioning, snatched from their power, dragged by the full complicity of their egoic self and the prevailing world paradigms.
Searching how to systematically achieve an illuminated mind, the impossible catechized goal of every ascended master follower and very rarely achieved, I was born again in its jargon. I divested myself of the old man, which has to be dissolved, not resolved.
I developed an insatiable quest to control my sanity, for that matter increasingly distant and illusory. At some point, the memories began to flow like an arrow launched to rightly hit where it all started. As I left the herd, I saw for the first time the cyclical problem of my life. Why, despite traveling great distances, I always ended up dragged to the same place of departure.
I understood the devaluation, the insecurity, the non-existent authenticity, the lack of self-esteem, authority, and self-confidence.
The path to holiness was, without exception, putting the need of others above mine, throwing myself like a raging tide to the impossible. Each time with growing force, constantly and consistently at the possibility of my dreams, I ended up offering them as coveted sacrifice.
But were the dreams after all my own and unique… or was it the perpetual dream of Adam in me, the same who still sleeps with the entire planet under his ribs? So I jumped from the mud to the solid ground which holds those who want to empty themselves of what never worked and never was for a just measure.
I faced the taboo of the religious principles clinging on to me. I understood heavens would never stop my mental creation of lack inducing myself to feel needed. I stopped waiting for the perception of others to be miraculously changed in my favor. I chose not to validate the never-ending everlasting demand for approval in the face of a savior.
And above all, I decided not to blame others for the left-behind want of solving my own humanity, eluding the jail I put myself in to avoid initiating my life.
Years pretending to indoctrinate myself to the prevailing paradigms of the old era, I did not even throw a spark to see a side-effect. I decisively woke myself up when I discovered my chaos is ordered in the of my mind. Breaking through the programmed self into alignment with my true intuitive affections, I walked into the possibility of a new reality.
Many circles I walked from the other self in me, with the only result of going back to the beginning, increasingly frustrated and destroyed.
For what I always wondered if it was God or the Devil who was behind my failures, I never understood if God was testing me every time around or if the Devil had stolen my blessings.
It is not one or the other, but the magic of choosing between two parallel paths that never arrive to cross by themselves, unless I decide to step in. The Devil is nothing more than the duality of thought caused by the other self in me hindering the speech of God within to the divine being that I am.
In the silence I heard God, when I spoke I listened to the Devil. When I listened to myself, I heard what really was said. The God who creates results is generated by listening to the Devil in me. Both hidden in my psyche. Forced by my conscious or unconscious choice, to manifest my reality as God or as Devil.
Belkis A. Lugo Vélez is a small-town pharmacist, also a writer of vocation, and psychoanalyst by heart. She discovered, at an early age, her great passion for studying the link between spirituality, mind and emotions. She loves counseling patients, since giving heartwarming advice comes natural to her. Soon to be a certified Neuro coach, she is working on her doctoral thesis on Neurotheology. She is a writer on her personal blog ‘Andando Octavas’. Her desire is to help people find their place in history one day at a time. Her motto: If you can’t stop thinking, make sure to be true to your true self.