Feel Angry, Then Let It Push You Forward.
“Breathe, just breathe.” It’s a novel idea, but is almost impossible to do in a moment like this.
It feels like the wind has been knocked out of you, and no matter how hard you gasp for air, your lungs won’t fill up. Then all of a sudden your muscles have a mind of their own, and you have zero control. It’s different from person to person. You might collapse on the floor, or start shaking uncontrollably. Perhaps you may feel as though you’ve turned to stone, unable to move at all.
Whatever it is, it won’t make any sense to you. It will just kind of happen.
It’s because the overwhelming flood of emotions that you are going through is too much for your brain to simply think about, so it must resort to making your body do stupid and embarrassing things like cry, or hyperventilate, or pace back and forth while saying to yourself, “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. No. No. No. What did he just do? What did he just do? What did he just do?”
Your voice will shake. You’ll feel like a crazy person. You’ve seen it in movies before, where he breaks her heart, and she reacts in an impossibly dramatic way. Well, it turns out, although it is dramatic, it is most definitely not impossible, and you are smack dab in the middle of finding that out the hard way.
You didn’t see this coming, because literally 10 minutes ago, he was telling you how much he loves you and misses you (which totally makes sense, because what is love, if not dumping your significant other via text?). What happens next is a moment of blurriness.
The closest thing I can compare it to is when you are playing Call Of Duty and you get shot one too many times. Then you can hear your heart beating, and your ears start to ring. Your vision gets a little blurry, and then you feel dizzy.
There are two things that happen next in the video game, that will not happen for you in reality. Thankfully, you will not die like you do in Call Of Duty — at least not literally. But you also don’t get to start all over again, which frankly might make you feel like you want to die sometimes.
After this blurriness subsides and you come to the full realization of what has just happened, the healing process begins. I know this for sure, because I myself went through it two years ago — my first and only breakup. And knowing what I know now, I want to say the following to those who are experiencing heartbreak.
You are allowed to feel whatever you feel for however long you feel it. It is your right, as a human being, to feel emotions. Don’t punish yourself for feeling them. You’ll probably want him/her back, even though they betrayed your trust. You’ll probably want to hurt them, even though you know that isn’t going to change anything.
You might even have a moment where you convince yourself that you are willing to change anything and everything as long as you can have them back. And then you’ll hate yourself because you shouldn’t want someone who would be willing to do what they did to you. I won’t lie to you, you’ll probably feel pretty awful for a while. And that is okay because you are human and it is normal to feel emotions.
But please remember the bigger picture.
You are holding your heart in your own hands now, and that is the safest place for it to be. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that. And I know it feels like you will never recover from this, but you will. And you will learn and grow to become a stronger person because of it. One of the hardest parts about situations like this is being able to have patience with the process.
Time, and only time, will heal this wound. The best thing you can do right now is allow yourself moments to feel sad, and then find something to distract you for the rest of the time. Find your thing. Maybe it’s cooking, Yoga, interior design, running… and throw yourself into it.
I know it probably feels like you are not in control because what is happening to you was not your choice, it was his. And you probably feel like none of this is fair. And it is not. But you are human, and you are allowed to feel hurt by this. You are allowed to feel angry. Let those feelings be the things that push you forward.
There are two circles that divide what goes on in your life and mind. You have a circle of influence, and a circle of concern. The circle of concern is filled with things that are happening or that have happened, or that might/will happen that are out of your control. It is normal to worry and think about these things, but if you focus too much on the things that you cannot control, you begin to feel defeated.
Your breakup, and everything that surrounds this situation, is in your circle of concern. Please remember and know that you have a circle of influence as well. And if you find the courage to put your energy into the things that fall inside of this circle, you will grow the most that a person can grow out of a crappy situation like this.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Every choice you make, every thought you have, is in your circle of influence. And that is a powerful thing. So please go easy on yourself and allow yourself to go through the grieving process, but also remember that your heart, although broken, is now in a safe place. Where it can slowly and steadily heal, to become the strongest and best version of itself.
You are in control of how you come back from this. And I know you are far too strong to let this destroy you.