Blackness Moves over My Heart in Ways I’ve Never Experienced.
I sit. Quietly the world moving in its flow around me, listening to the wind, watching the clouds and remember how much you would love it.
I sit in regret that the peace that is on offer was something we could hardly see through the tangle of lies and eyes looking another way, at things of craving and want, when all of it was right next to us — a hand, arms to hold, fingers to touch.
Listening to music that makes me cry. I find melodies of others that I fall in to bodily, my chest heavy with the pain of your absence. I wander deeper in to the pain because it somehow feels like reverence, confirming my belief that it was once real, you and me. As if I know through the stars the things I can’t express and will be drawn back to me on an orbit, at my final stage of grief.
Writing words that are never beautiful enough, never truthful enough, never loving enough, never sad enough. Words that make no difference whatsoever to any of this or anyone. But these words hold a desperate hope that you will read them and it will ignite something inside you that burns only for me, says the insanity that now haunts my mind.
Stupidly dream of some unseen way in which this can all be okay, make it okay… make it leave forever and me at peace. A way that I can forget what is now ingrained on my soul. Not notice the feeling of not being chosen anymore, laughter is a far distant memory, only taunting me in symbols and signs of us, even as I divert my attention pretending to not see it.
I check unending for a message from you, a gesture, a revelation, a glance on the horizon of a sunset you perhaps watched. Pray that you’ll have changed your mind, and that you’re alone and want me there.
I long to create moments of fantasy with you, throbbing for a way that I can, somehow, keep a part of you. I can’t feel sensual without feeling you anymore, and some part of me hopes you’re feeling that too. I ripple at the thought of you. Your skin, your smell, your lips. I crave you visually because you’re all I see when I close my eyes. But instead I settle for the shallow, a body of nothingness, pretending it’s you.
I long for someone else to explain it all to me, to tell me what to do to escape the inescapable, the inevitable truth.
I am aware of all there is to see when it comes to a world without you, the darkness swallows me up whole. But my heart won’t believe what my mind so obviously announces.
I have become perpetually stuck in a loop that, intellectually, I know I must escape. No matter how much rejection I feel, how many unfathomable images are seared in to my mind, how obviously and clearly you express desire for something other than me — a shadow of someone you walk through… no longer in existence.
Life moves on, with its moments of clarity, joy, excitement, and yet it’s still there — an aching inside waiting to explode. Stuffing it down reminds me that I can keep it together. Smiling, as the blackness moves over my heart in ways I’ve never experienced. The others are a holding place, where you once were, where I used to send my love, my body and my soul… to you.
Paige Manginello is a creative writer, athlete, and perpetual student of the Universe. Her views are dark and twisted, very raw, and to the core of the world she sees through her eyes. She is a beginner blogger, and strives to one day write her stories all over the world. Paige grew up traveling the world as a child, finally settling in Houston, Texas. She works for a European company which enables her to travel. Starting her life over at 45 after a series of life tumbles, she has pulled from these experiences provoking thoughts of the heart, mind, and emotions perceived by both parties. There is something so intense about the way people react to each other in and out of love. Documenting this, and all the ways human beings give and take, has been her way of healing, as well as finding light within the dark.