you and me

A Doomed Relationship: The Loops of Heartbreak.

 

Mercury Retrograde always leads to some kind of exploration, and here is my take.

A few years ago, I met someone. It quickly brought butterflies in my stomach, but it wasn’t good. This expression is supposed to denote joy and flutter, but these butterflies didn’t feel good, they gave me panic attacks every time he wouldn’t answer the phone, because I knew there was always a reason why he needed to keep himself safe while I gave everything!

It’s different when your man likes to travel, a seeker by nature who dives into the joys of learning, so you know he isn’t calling you because he is in fact on top of a mountain making history in favor of the entire human collective. But when he is not picking up to avoid you or because he is keeping secrets, now that is soul-crushing, because as a woman you know better. You are fucking psychic, sister!

You just know this shit by nature because you are crafted from the Earth.

I missed all the red flags that showed up very quickly, due to the karmic nature of this one-sided relationship that had aspirations of two. I wish I would have known that he hated his job and that he was secretly in love with his boss, it would have spared me a lot of suffering for the years to come.

He had a toxic relationship with his mother dearest, and vague explanations of why women had left him in the past, like “She cheated with my boss,” and “She didn’t love me anymore.” Let me tell you, women don’t give up that easily. We are endurance warriors, if anything. These women were sick and tired of dealing with the eternally conflicted man, and decided to part or satisfy yearnings out of spite elsewhere.

He also mentioned he had written a set of short stories based on personal experience of how to get out of a first date effectively, the man of excuses he was, but I chose not to listen, because as a Cancerian, I’d rather believe in beauty and transformation.

A woman fucks up the moment she encounters a victimized man and has that mother moment, “Oh well, he’s just going through so much.” The moment may vary, she may need a few convincers that she is dealing with a broken person long before she surrenders her personal power in a horrid attempt to save him, in favor of saving the both of them.

I’ve had those moments enough times now, in various faces, to know when I am about to jump off a cliff, with the only difference being that unlike my younger self who crafted narratives around soap operas, I know that after that cliff, it will progressively get worse and worse. “Let me save this man so he can reach my level.” Bold pursuit!

The moment we choose that reality, we embark on the journey of crafting and perfecting the project that will keep us busy in useless things, while we abandon important aspects of our lives like our well-being, career, goals and self-preservation.

I chose this moment long before I found out I had been the mother who’d abandoned him as a child in a past life, and whether it was karma repair or not, it weighed heavily on me. My life shifted quickly the moment I decided that. As the poor victim that he was, life kept tossing challenges over and over so I could exercise my savior and eternally compassionate mother role with my 45-year-old boyfriend.

This man was like the person who walks with a black cloud over him despite sunny surroundings. There was always a reason why we had to meet during limited time sessions, speak at times around his already eternally busy schedule, and share what the black cloud permitted at the time he chose it.

So what other choice did I have after having jumped off the cliff? To eternally give, understand, counsel, repair, and make up for whatever mistakes, by making sure that the times we saw each other weren’t invested in reproaches and fighting. Oh boy!

I became a missionary of peace, because this relationship was a battlefield, only day to day I was losing my sense of self, up to the point that the compassionate mask got so strong, the demoness came back and exiled me to life without him, that came in a series of cataclysms where I began to speak, and the more I spoke, the more I approached that one moment in time where he decided to never answer again.

Now I know that the boss, the home, the job, the financial situation, and the distance, had nothing to do with it. Perhaps mommy dearest did weigh in heavily on our non-pronounced break up, but that’s another story. Since this was the man of excuses, he warned me how he would never take responsibility for his part by saying a few months prior to disappearing, “I will never be the one to shut the door.”

Those words replayed in my mind over and over for the months and years to come, long before I realized he had said everything right there and I didn’t listen: that moment he had chosen to leave me without my knowing that it was he who made the choice. Reverse psychology, because he knew he wouldn’t come back.

I spent four years single after that, encountered a couple of past loves here and there, but nothing came of it other than me being the one to walk away after seeing the red flags clearly each time. That is, until he appeared. Until I felt compelled to clear past bad vibes between us and open a brand new gateway from hell.

He’s someone I am connected to energetically, who provokes the most intricate and contradicting feelings in me, and who in a period of two months has called the shots when it comes to my inner world. He brought hope into my life along with despair. He brought joy with time constraints. He brought love with secrets. Why?

He came to me married, with a child on the verge of profound life transition that asked me to, once again, be the bigger person, the compassionate mother, the coach, the mentor, the milking cow.

He said he was separated, so I gladly took the bait. A couple of years ago, he shut me out to get back with her, but he neither said that, nor that he had a child. He simply said he had realized he didn’t love me, and I shut that door too. Now he came with the ulterior story that he lied in favor of the child, and that getting back with her was presented as the only choice back then, to play a part in his child’s life.

What choices did I have? Being a million miles away, while he still lives with her (in harmony or not), to be there for him or to shut him off completely? I chose the first option. Who was I to claim anything, right? He was really struggling. He is legally married to her, and it’s just a paper, isn’t it?

It’s not!

Whether you are going through a divorce or contemplating cheating momentarily to ease the transition, contracts must be broken long before you start something new. They also need to be marked clearly, you cannot start something while you have one foot here and another one there, it never works out.

In the case of my first boyfriend above, he had issues coming clean about his identity, while this one seemed to think that starting an off-the-shore relationship with another, while being married and living in the same house with his wife, was perfectly sane.

He played it like we were together, together in union because we had a common enemy: her! She who took him from me? Or was he the enemy who decided to make her his wife? See why it gets confusing when we take these baits?

So I listened, I let him grieve, I gave him his space, and soon enough, those panic attacks of butterflies in my stomach came back, in the form of sleepless nights, emotional unrest, doubts, and blocks. I was in the cliff once again, and I didn’t enjoy one bit of it. Slowly started losing my identity once again owing to putting his needs over my own, because he was a victim, right?

Add to that, he used this health condition to make me feel even guiltier for wanting him to come clean about what he wanted, and to stop sneaking out of the house to talk to me, so his daughter wouldn’t know mommy and daddy were leading separate lives.

He doesn’t know and he wouldn’t get it, that to get myself to this place of compassionate mother once again, I had to take a 360-degree trip to the pit where I had to rebuild myself from 0 for the past four years of being single. Did I work on myself so that I could get triggered again? No, this is not my lesson anymore, the lesson of walking away smashed flat on my face, and I could not take it anymore.

I resist premature endings, but did this ever really start? Does it ever, when men come to us with these huge limitations that we have to gracefully accept in honor of love? It’s not love, it’s sacrifice.

I didn’t want to bleed anymore, or not be able to call the shots on which partner suffers more this time, since my last relationship had sucked the joy out of my life, leaving me with recurring thoughts like “I am not good enough because I lost this battle.”

So is marriage just a legal paper? No, it’s not! It’s a commitment you made before something higher than yourself, and ultimately it was so profound it left you with a child from that union. Anyone who is trying to live a balanced life and gets presented that kind of information from the get-go would probably not take the offer altogether, especially because the situation comes off as presenting an offer one isn’t sure of.

What are you offering me? Occasional phone calls for the duration of your transition, for me to take the chance of putting faith in you and assist you in healing, while never knowing if by the end of this transition you will end up with me, or suck the life out of me and end up with someone else now that you are healed?

So I learned the hard way: choose someone who brings cohesiveness with their proposals, not confusion. I learned to not place myself in such disadvantageous situations that will require me to give more, simply because of what they are going through. It’s not balanced from the beginning, and it can only turn bitter from there.

Being with someone else is not to be taken lightly, for whatever reasons, those people are in their lives because they chose them. It is not fair that you spend vital time healing yourself, just so that someone can break you to pieces once again, because apparently, based on their past patterns, everything they come in contact with, they break, including their deepest commitments, such as marriage.

Why would they be any different with you unless they experience a 360-degree awakening? Are you willing to wait when it will still be a great risk? Why is it a risk to be a lover when you want to be the beloved? Because at the end of his transition, you will never be able to predict if he will choose his logic over his heart.

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Laura Piquero is the Queen of Duality. A communicator of duality with an emphasis on self-healing and self-transformation, through the process of awakening and honoring our deepest emotions (both light and shadow aspects). Heavily encouraging the process of rebirth through self-destruction and self-construction, and defying — through consciously bold narrative — society, thought patterns, core wounds and beliefs. Kali, Pelé, the tides, the hurricanes, volcanoes, thunder, they all teach us the same thing.

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