Reclaiming Masturbation in Five Soul-Saving Steps.
“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
When I was eight years old, my mom and dad walked into my room while I was rubbing myself on a pillow. I had no idea that there I did something wrong, that it was shameful to be doing this.
But I immediately knew it in that moment. I saw it in their eyes and body movements before they even spoke the words: “What are you doing? One doesn’t do that. Stop doing it!”
Pleasure, orgasm and laughter
You might have noticed that when having an orgasm (on your own or together):
- The mind stops
- You just cannot think of anything
- You lose control and let yourself go
- Afterwards, you experience a peace you always wanted
Check out for yourself the same things when you are laughing (real laughter only).
Some scientific facts about orgasms and the effects of masturbation on our health
While masturbating, your body is following the same sexual response cycle as if you are having sex with a partner.
You are entering a stress-free environment, boosting your immune system, making your skin glow, calming your nerves, and even protecting yourself from a heart attack. Happiness and cuddling hormones are released.
The brain region which is responsible for reasoning is shut down. The brain of a person during orgasm looks almost identical to the one of a person taking heroin (95%).
In short, your body and your brain are getting it all — first being stimulated to the fullest extent, and then settling down to utmost relaxation.
The famous sex researcher Dr. Alfred Kinsey once said that an orgasm “can be likened to the crescendo, climax, and sudden stillness achieved by an orchestra of human emotions… an explosion of tensions, and to sneezing.”
On the day my parents walked in on me, I learned that I was not to experience pleasure with my own body without feeling guilty and ashamed. If it caused such a strong reaction, in both my parents, there had to be something seriously wrong with it and I better watch out. Even we never talked about what happened again, it seemed to be present ever since in my life.
How shame and guilt are driving us and depriving us from pleasure and love
You might be familiar with one or more of the following statements:
- Masturbation is not being (or not to be) talked about
- Masturbation is only mentioned in combination with shame and guilt
- Masturbation is something dirty
- You must be very lonely if you have to masturbate
- Masturbation is a sin
- Only primitive people masturbate
- Masturbation is bad for you
- Masturbation can make you sick (psychologically and physically)
- If you masturbate a lot (such as five times a day), you are abnormal
The church and even doctors still claim that masturbation is harmful for your mental, physical and spiritual well-being. In truth, these statements, and our allowing them to have power over our lives and our sexuality, are more harmful. Only when and if you follow these ideas about masturbation being bad or harmful does stress appear in your mind and body.
You cut your pleasure short, and with that, your life energy. You cripple yourself by adjusting to fake morals and ideas.
Since my childhood, when I rubbed my pussy against the rope in physical education class, I have masturbated in all kinds of situations and places (besides my room). In toilets, on the plane under the blanket, in a bar up on the balcony seat, just to mention a few. Sometimes it just came over me, and since I am a bit devious as well, it was also thrilling to masturbate in forbidden places.
Often, I masturbated to just get rid of stress, anxiety. and my high level of energy (on some occasions, up to five times a day). I was always able to come very quickly. And for that moment of relief, it was always great. A short pleasure which vanished almost immediately after my orgasm.
Seconds later, I felt ashamed, guilty, and most of all, sad and lonely. Many times I cried and felt a sudden coldness. In my mind, as I had learned early, this was not right and something I was not supposed to be doing. I was a weirdo, abnormal, always being so sexually aroused.
And after having an orgasm, I felt lonely and had thoughts like “I should have sex, and orgasm with my partner. I am such a lost soul for having to do it to myself.”
The truth about masturbation
There are (and have been) so many lies and false statements about masturbation floating around that I decided to write this. It’s for everyone who is ready to free him- or herself from being a slave to masturbation dogmas of any kind — religious or non-religious.
There is nothing at all wrong with you if you masturbate (a lot). To be able to enjoy the immense pleasure you can give to yourself is a blessing. It is your birthright.
It is absolutely normal and natural as a little girl or boy to explore one’s body, including the genitals. It is also absolutely natural for us to play with them, with our bodies, and enjoy the pleasurable feelings.
Why shouldn’t we?
It feels wonderful, ecstatic, blissful. The world stops turning for a moment and all comes to a standstill. In the intense pleasure of an orgasm, all worries cease to exist in the world.
We are sexual beings. We are made in the sexual act. We love pleasure, and pleasuring oneself can be one of the most sacred acts.
Here are five steps I took to overcome shame and guilt in masturbation:
1. Masturbating without giving my thoughts power
While thoughts connected with…
- Shame: “I should not touch myself. I will go to hell.”
- Judgments: “It should be my partner touching me.”
- Guilt: “I am guilty of being too horny.”
- Analyzing: “There really is something wrong with me, and it must have to do with my past.”
- Comparison: “This orgasm is much less intense than yesterday’s (or the one I saw in the porn clip).”
… come up during pleasuring myself, I see them just for what they are: thoughts.
I do not follow them, cling to them, feed them fuel. And with that, they simply do not stick around. Instead, I keep enjoying the pleasure sensations.
If you are wondering how to do that, all I can say is, try this next time one of these ideas and beliefs are coming up for you while masturbating: see the thought, recognize it is a thought, and simply stop thinking that thought (it really is that simple!).
2. Masturbating without a rule or guide on how to masturbate best
I recognized that for my well-being, it is not important how I masturbate. There is not one best technique (I used to think there is one, and that all I had to do was to achieve it and be happy ever after).
There is slow sex with myself, there is having a quick orgasm, and there are many other ways. The simple pleasure of doing with my body what I like in that moment (which can be very different from one minute to to another) — this is what is naturally healthy for body and mind.
How I pleasure myself makes no difference. That I pleasure myself is what makes the difference.
3. Masturbating without judgments about how often or whether I should masturbate
In the past, I used to always have an idea about the good or the bad amount of masturbation. Five times a day is too much, one time a week is too little. In my mind, I was either a sex/masturbation addict (which was wrong) or a dried-out prune (which was also wrong). No matter how often I did it, it was not right.
Now I know that there is no right or wrong about how often I masturbate. Sometimes it is more, sometimes it is less. It can be the same for weeks or months or it can vary each day. There is no set and correct number and it is just natural that at times I am more horny than at others.
4. Masturbating without an ultimate goal
Since in the past I always masturbated with the goal of reaching an orgasm (and mostly to get rid of stress/energy), frustration was pre-programmed. When I did not reach an orgasm, I was disappointed and anxious.
Today, when I pleasure myself, I do not have the orgasm in mind to begin with. I touch myself where I like, and see where it takes me. There are times when the excitement increases and I continue until I peak. And there are times when after some stroking and playing, I don’t have the desire to continue. I don’t masturbate to get rid of something. I masturbate because I enjoy it.
5: After masturbation, feel joy, peace and laughter instead of loneliness and sadness
These days, after I masturbate, I often start giggling and glowing. My body feels light and my mind feels empty. I am in love with myself. When there is the occasional thought creeping in after I finished, such as It should have been with a man, I just do not think it (this is going back to Step 1 above).
I am not fighting these feelings or thoughts outright. Nor am I trying to push them down by not paying attention to them (this is a very fine distinction, and it needs your attention when you practice yourself).
In that way, loneliness and sadness do not have anywhere to enter. They might appear, but do not manifest themselves as I do not allow them to take over.
All what’s left is peace, joy, and giggles.
Today, when I masturbate, it’s very simple: I masturbate.
And, yes, I do have to strengthen this new muscle to not follow my thoughts. After all, I have been doing it otherwise for more than 46 years.
After a career in international business, at the age of 32, Karen Hartmann had an emotional breakdown. She was stuck in constant fear and negative thoughts. She tried everthing out there to heal herself until she realized that no matter what she did, there always seemed to be something missing. Finally, in 2016, she found ShoomKloom and with it peace, laughter and joy in most life situations. Since then, Karen is passionately sharing ShoomKloom with the world.