Anything Is Possible: The World Isn’t a Bad Place.
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I had a very bad childhood, which I was actually unaware of until I turned 30. That, my sweet friend, is the extraordinary power of denial.
Due to my constant sense of unease about my self and my body, I haphazardly started the Himalayan trek into psychobabble stupidity, and was instructed to never speak to my family of origin again. Or at least take a break from their bad juju, which may be a good idea. At times. To get out of the quagmire, so to speak.
But that, my dear, did not solve the real problem. I could not reinvent my bad childhood. Always feeling unloved, with multiple scars screaming for attention, my solution resulted in a slew of unproductive behavior, including both bingeing and starving myself to death.
The levee was breaking. You see, I had no experience with the infamous Love yourself program.
Now here’s a little nugget: hardly anyone remains unscathed from the phenomena of scars, wounding, or damage of some kind. The trick is to learn, at some point, to acknowledge it and accept it. To metaphorically make lemonade out of that sour ol’ lemon.
This news will probably piss you off. But listen, my friend, this will become infinitely more satisfying than starving and suffering.
I actually recall the moment I made the decision to harm, hurt, and numb myself with food, or the lack of it, as a way to blame myself and others, and hate myself more.
Now, the thing I know for sure is that there is always a silver lining, though I am equally sure you may not believe it at times. This has been my experience, it will not always feel peachy. You see, like the moon, all things seem to wax and wane. But if you just hang in there and don’t give up, the light will truly shine again.
Sorrow comes from a million things. Stress. Cortisol. Hormones. Not saying no, ever. Not knowing you deserve better.
Yes, there’s sugar and carbs and too much of everything, and secret eating and drinking and crying. And a lot of toxic spills on your heart. But things change — they can and they will. The messes get cleaned up one by one till everything shifts and feels different. Inside, outside, all around.
When you’re in love, the world is shiny and bright and food seems unnecessary. Life is full and satisfying and complete. But when love gets broken, the cracks get wide and the empty places go deep, and seem impossible to fill. You can get fat over it if you try to stop the pain by overeating. So start where you are. Hold on. Tight. To something. Your cat or your journal or the view out of the window.
Find a place that’s quiet, and be still and remember. You will remember. You’re worth it. Worth believing in. Worth taking care of. Even if the only one taking care of you is you.
The lies you’ve been telling yourself? Talk to them. They were there for a reason. In some weird, wonderful way, they were trying to keep you safe from the big, scary world you landed in. Everyone has gangsters living in their head.
The world isn’t a bad place. It’s just not perfect. It’s messy.
It’s hot and dry and freezing and warm and blizzardy and tempestuous. It’s true and honest and mostly chock-full of pros and a few cons.
It’s black and white and red and green. And so are you.
And when the grass grows, I hear it smile.
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Paulina Graziose is an entrepreneur, a free spirit, and a truth-teller. You could contact her via her website.
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