Five Tips to Create Real & Lasting Change: For Women Only.
When I first felt that proverbial tap on the shoulder, I was married with two teenagers, a big house in a beautiful neighborhood, a stable career, summers by the beach, and pretty much everything I wanted.
I loved all the parts of my life, but as a whole, I was dying inside my own creation. I craved new experiences, sexual fulfillment, and a more authentic feeling. My outsides didn’t match my insides, and I often wondered who I was. I wondered, deep inside, who was this being I inhabited.
When I tapped into my soul, I felt a wise woman inside me, a grander version of myself, a woman I had never met. I couldn’t quite reach her, and she became my magnet, braving me forward towards the unknown.
For women who want change in their life, the possibilities are limitless. Changes may be outwardly big, like career, sex or relationship, or more internal, like healing relationship patterns or learning to follow intuition. The truth is that a woman can create whatever she desires, even if it feels impossible. In fact, it generally feels impossible!
I approached change in my life by following desire, and it was 100% based on feeling over formula. I didn’t get hung up on how it should be, I truly followed the whispers of my soul. I created a lot of space for my emotions to flow, to feed my hungry feminine with what she wanted, and for integration of the newness to land in my body.
When I unpack the past few years of major transformation, I realized I did these five things over and over, and I really want to share them with my sisters.
1. Listen to my pussy: I spent most of my life looking outside of myself for all the answers, for approval, and generally, for what to do next. The bottom line is that I didn’t trust myself.
When I first heard of pussy-wisdom, I thought it was crazy. I didn’t like my pussy, and I certainly didn’t look to her for answers. She was just a thing down there who makes babies, bleeds once a month, and sometimes brings pleasure. I thought she was weird and complex.
When I realized the depth of self-deprecation inside those thoughts, I was catapulted onto a journey of self-love that landed me in full trust of my body’s wisdom.
The first thing I did was begin to reconnect to my pussy. This takes time to cultivate. First, I made an agreement with myself to love my body more. Next, I began paying attention to her in positive ways. I started an intentional practice of speaking kind, loving words to my pussy. Yes, I spoke to my pussy. And she loved it.
I came up with three things I liked about her every day, which was hard to do sometimes, and I said them out loud to my naked body in front of a mirror. It felt really awkward at first, but I was determined to start loving all the parts of myself, so I kept going.
Over time, I started feeling more genuine in my daily appreciations of my pussy. She loved the attention and words of affection. I started feeling more at home in my body, and generally sexier and happier in all areas of my life. I now feel connected to my pussy and listen to her whispers. We are besties now. She does not steer me wrong. Ever.
2. Go out of my comfort zone… a lot: The key to lasting change is moving into the unknown. Growth takes practice and it’s a muscle that needs exercising. About five years ago, I wanted to feel more alive, authentic, and to experience sex that touched my soul. I heard of a partnered wellness practice called orgasmic meditation. Even though it seemed unusual, I was deeply called to try it.
Through the practice, I focused on my body and my desires. My eyes opened to all the areas I wasn’t fully honest with myself and others. It was all uncomfortable to see and yet, felt true and undeniable. It would have been easier to turn away or stop, but I kept moving into the discomfort. I wanted to heal and create change so much.
I questioned my beliefs, and saw my conditioning and behavior patterns and how they contributed to living a too-small life. As I continued to practice OM, I started shifting what I believed about myself and how I interacted inside my relationships. I stuck with the friction it caused, and have since found a deeper sense of myself, healthier boundaries, and improved relationships.
Going out of our comfort zone is the key to transformation. We cannot achieve any type of change by doing the same things we have done all along. The desire that feels slightly out of reach is the one I recommend exploring. Remember that going out of your comfort zone is a practice, and transformation doesn’t happen overnight. Start small.
If you feel a pull towards something that scares you a little, then chances are it is a step in the right direction.
3. Ditch your conditioned voices: The voices inside my head would drive me crazy if I let them. They tell me I am crazy, irresponsible, and a slut.
When I started changing the structure of my life, these conditioned voices got loud. They brought up shame, doubt, fear, all designed to keep me inside my comfort zone and safe. Stay at my stable career, keep my opinions to myself, don’t have more than one sexual partner.
Our conditioning is the construct of beliefs that we acquire throughout our lives. It’s formed as we grow up, beliefs handed down from our family and the world around us. For instance, many women are conditioned to people-please, to agree with men, or to not ask for what they want.
How do we know the difference between our conditioned voices and our true self? The conditioned voices talk us out of our desires and focus on fear. Our true desire wants us to be a bigger, expanded, more authentic woman living an extraordinary joyful life.
When I wanted real lasting change, I had to look at my conditioning and my thoughts. I became willing to slow down, to stay conscious and listen, and I started learning to discern my true self’s voice from my voice of fear. It’s made all the difference for me.
Our conditioned voices get loud in the face of change. That’s their job. Their purpose is to keep us safe by keeping us the same. But staying the same means having a predictable life, and that is not necessarily an extraordinary life. So what do we do? The first thing I did to face my conditioned voices was to pay attention and notice their existence. Then, over time, I started choosing to not follow those voices.
Imagine the conditioned voices are like a train passing through a station — we can watch the train go by without getting on that ride. We get to choose.
4. Focus on desire: I love writing desire lists. I write them in journals, hang them on big sheets of paper in my room, and keep lists in my phone. Writing and sharing desires is a great tool because it helps us anchor into what we truly want.
When change starts happening, life gets stirred up. Remembering our desires keeps us rooted in our next right step while things may be rearranging around us. Desire is our compass and our fuel. It keeps us going when the rest of us may be questioning the entire process.
Desire can feel scary sometimes. It’s way more comfortable to keep things status quo. It’s a vulnerable risk to have desire and follow it. All kinds of fears come up for me and I wonder if I can be the woman to have that desire, and then major doubt generally sets in. If I follow that train of thought, I will likely talk myself out of the whole thing and stop growing.
That’s why it’s important to focus on desire: it roots us in what we really want.
Desire and fear are two sides of the same coin. True desire can feel ominous because it asks us to say yes to ourselves and to grow. And that means leaving an old version of ourselves behind. When I get scared, I anchor into my desire. I remind myself that it is calling me to the next grander version of myself, to the Me I know is deep inside, yearning to come out.
5. Take baby steps: Change takes time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Changes, external and internal, need time and space to integrate. Integration is a fundamental part of change that is rarely talked about. Melding the new parts of ourselves into our body and soul takes time. Change happens slowly, one new thought, one new insight, one heart-opening moment at a time.
As we drop off beliefs, patterns, or even relationships, our bodies learn to adjust to this change, to the new version of ourselves. Go slowly. A caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly takes its sweet time. It’s a natural change process, and each step along the way is beautiful and essential.
Transformation is a unique, precious time, filled with wonderment. Each time I sobbed into my pillow, had a breakthrough or a moment of joy, I honored it. I journaled about it, shared it with sisters on my path, or wrote gratitudes for it. I took really good care of myself when I had breakthroughs and breakdowns, and chose epic acts of pleasure to celebrate all of it.
I moved each moment of newness through my body, instead of my mind, as often as possible. I learned to slow down enough to love myself no matter what. I took salt baths, danced, practiced Yoga, spent time with friends, ate healthy foods, and spent time in nature. The more you digest these moments, the more they will become part of the new You.
The whispers we hear inside are our soul speaking to us, offering us the road map to our new self. Our desires are made just for us — they’re not too big, too small, or too crazy. Listening to our soul’s whispers takes practice and it’s natural to feel scared or doubtful.
I can always tell when I am out of my comfort zone, and on the right track, when I get a little scared. I anchor into my desire, celebrate the fear, and stay present with my feelings. I recommend starting small and moving a few beats faster than your comfortable pace. For real lasting change in life, sex, relationship, career, we start by listening to the whispers of our soul. Our pussy knows, she’s got our backs.
One baby step at a time into the unknown is all it takes. That’s where the magic is.
Brenda Fredericks is a Transformational Coach for moms and an Orgasmic Meditation Trainer. She guides women to live more authentically, have better sex and more freedom. She founded the Mother Daughter Closeness Project with her daughter, and works with women to heal their mother-daughter relationships. She teaches orgasmic meditation, a wellness practice. She’s a mother of two, a former middle school teacher, and has been on a 10-year journey of claiming her power as a woman and mother. Learn more and connect with her via her website.