She Will Always Be the Girl Who Feels She Is Not Good Enough.
When did this start? This darkness that sometimes wants to engulf my mind and swallow me whole?
Was it the moment when the dark presence tried to snatch my innocence away, and instead of addressing it, the deed was swept under the rug? Because we don’t talk about such things in the open, you know?
Or was it when the man supposed to be my hero, the model of my relationships with men, gave me such a spanking for speaking my mind that I still fear his temper to this day?
Perhaps it was when I had my first blood, and instead of given a proper explanation to a very confused child, I was given a book and no mothering. Or, it could be when I was told I would always be a loser, or that I was too fat to be liked by men, or being called clumsy because a left-handed child will always look clumsy to a right-handed person.
My sensitive ears and heart have heard too many negative and deadly words to last me a lifetime, and they were all bottled up inside of my heart, for I was subdued by fear and false indoctrinations. Children are not seen or heard, they should just obey.
Then it could be when I was bullied and shamed by my own peers out of sheer jealousy and insecurities. I was left to dry my tears on my own and climb back silently into a classroom of mockery and laughter. Or maybe it is the countless times I sat like a wallflower at the local dance, always the odd one out. Or never having a real boy, despite having a gazillion of crushes.
There are many moments in my life when this could have started, or perhaps it’s a cumulation of everything together. All I know, somehow I’ve never felt like I was good enough. Good enough to be loved. Pretty enough. Not too fat. Just enough as I was, with no condition to it.
And before you start accusing me of being selfish, jealous, silly, ungrateful, and whatever other negative insult you can think to throw at me, I already have all those voices in my head competing for attention. They are heavy enough for me to carry.
So how does one go forward from such a mountain of negative feelings into a healthy, positive, and comfortable place within yourself?
I have to learn to let that girl speak, even if it’s hard to do so at first. I have to learn that sometimes people will not like what I have to say, and may react negatively to the words I say, but my feelings are important too. If people I love and care about can’t take my truth, then they don’t really care for me.
In this crazy, upside-down world, there are too many people walking around with unexpressed feelings and words inside them that come out in very negative ways. We need to create safe spaces and areas for people to air those feelings, for once they feel validated, loved, and accepted, they will operate as adults, not little children looking for validation.
In the end, for me as that girl, I need to accept her, acknowledge her, and help her become whole by loving actions that will make her feel safe and not rejected anymore. Only then will I shake the idea that I will never be good enough and move forward into a more healthy outlook on myself.
Hanlie Robbertse is an eternal student and teacher of life, hope, heartbreak, and pain. As a writer and creator, she aims to bring healing to not only herself but to others that may feel lost, heartbroken, and alone. You could contact her via Facebook or Instagram.