archives, you & me

3 Lies Women Tell Themselves After a Breakup… and What to Do Instead.


Every bad ending has — most of the time — a good beginning. Our need for love is pure. Our desire for connection is human.

When hurt arrives, revisit the beginning. That same spark is still there within you, that same life force pumping through your ecstatic veins has never left. You may notice that it had very little to do with the other person, but a lot to do with yourself. This love, this thrill, belongs to you. All healing requires questioning our thoughts and beliefs about the situation.

Getting real is not comfortable, but it is necessary. So here we go.

  1. I will never find anyone I love as much as I love him.

This is probably one of the first things that come out of our mouth after he closes the door behind himself. We have invested so much of our love, our time and energy into this one person and relationship, so yes, it does feel like there will never be anyone we will love as much as this one.

The good news is that this is a myth. It is not true. What is true is that we discover different aspects of love with different people, but ultimately it has very little to do with the other person. Loving someone is a refinement process, and our capacity to love grows and expands from our experiences. So it may feel like this one man was it, and now that he’s gone, you won’t have it again.

But if you truly get real with the precious heart of yourself, you will see that what you have been cultivating with him are your own resources to love and this man happened to be the lucky recipient of that.

So the next man you will love… differently. Perhaps the love you felt with your ex was like bubbly champagne, and the next guy will be that deep velvety red with a lovely oak finish. There is no less or more but just… different. And most likely, your love will flourish from a different part of you, the part that is slightly more ripe, a little more rooted in yourself, possibly even touching the edges of your own glory.

  1. If I had done something different, he would not have left me.

Like what, sweetheart? Folded his laundry better? Not been jealous? Worn a different kind of dress? Feather earrings? Wrong. You are not a victim. Things don’t just happen to you, you create them, whether you know it or not. There is a grand plan, and you are one of the top executives implementing that plan. There is a longer thread that we are following than who we are dating or married to.

That thread, and all the forces behind the scene, is committed to keeping us on our aligned path. How many times have you looked back and realized he actually did you a big favor by leaving? Yes, it feels like an impossible thought when you are in it, soothing your aching heart, but usually things work out just fine.

My suggestion is that things went south because you were not more of yourself. When you have discovered and are truly resting in the organic essence of you, all of your actions are naturally in harmony with who you really are. And from this place, you will only attract men to your life who won’t make you feel like you have done something wrong.

Perhaps your ex was the one you had to clear some old karma with, in order to be ready for the true love of your life. These karmic connections are like the ultimate drama workshop with all the (un)necessary emotional ups and downs.

It is a purification process to the highest degree, even though at times it may feel like you are lying on the operation table while your partner is digging deep into your most secret wounds, cracking them all open again, or perhaps revealing them for the first time ever.

There is blood. There are tears. There is that unspeakable sense of twisted pleasure that comes from the uncertainty — like David Deida suggests, women feel most alive in the possibility of losing love and gaining it back. So even these myths we tell ourselves are part of that need for aliveness.

Sooner or later, we realize the true aliveness comes from knowing yourself, knowing your worth and your value, and is not dependent on any outside influence.

  1. We will get back together one day.

This is another bittersweet yet soothing thought that could help get us through the biggest pain bombs. To think this way is so understandable. You have merged your entire being with another human being for months or years. You thought (or wished) this man would be next to you the rest of your life. The third person is still present.

The third person is your relationship creation, the potential, the grace, or as Rumi calls it, “The Friend.” You are still connected on an energetic level, and this makes the relationship feel real even when he is no longer physically present. The sooner you can cut the cords to him, the easier it will be to let go of him, and the dream you had that was connected to him.

Whenever you have cords attached to someone or something, you are leaking your valuable life force outside of yourself. The more you do it, the less there is left for you. And right now, girlfriend, you need to gather all the life force back to you, from wherever you have left it. It is your fertilizer. Bring it back home.

Simply imagine cords of energy between you and him. They are usually more present in your second chakra (just below your belly button), your heart chakra, and sometimes also your fifth (throat) and sixth (third eye) chakras. Simply cut these cords gently, from both ends. Redirect and hook them up to your spirit, your Universal Self, directly above you or however you visualize or understand this.

Keep doing this daily. The cords want to come back, but eventually you will establish a new source for yourself, a new anchor point, one that won’t drain you but instead will fuel you with your own radiant light.

By taking care of your energetic and emotional space, you also release him to go to his next aligned creation. This is compassion. This is service. This is self-love.

So ladies, in the midst of a heartache, remember this; it’s all practice. It’s like getting a Ph.D in self-love. Via others. Via men.

Birthing is messy. Rebirth especially. It demands our full surrender. Breakups, at their best, gift us with a second change, with an opportunity to get to know ourselves again, or perhaps for the very first time. This birthing is needed in order for you to activate your true light and authentic expression in the world, and this light, girls, is the magnet that will attract your true love into your life.

Like attracts like. Love attracts love. So don’t be shy here. And when the real-deal life partner comes along, guess what?

You know in your bones you deserve a love like that.

You realize that all the past pain was simply you questioning whether or not you can have what you mostly desire.

You can wholeheartedly quote Pablo Neruda: Let us forget, with generosity, those who cannot love us.


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Riikka Rajamaki
Riikka Rajamäki teaches women how to use intuition in their love life and business so that the choices they make are based on true, spiritual alignment. Riikka left her home country of Finland and moved to New York City where she witnessed the fall of the Twin Towers right when she herself was hitting the bottom of her nobody-ness, wandering the streets without a job, money or a place to live. Now she knows how to remind others that love happens when what we are not is no longer in charge. Riikka is a certified Spirit Coach©, trained intuitive, certified Ritual Trance Dance facilitator, the founder of The Daily Nothing -practice and Breakup Fast and she holds a MA in Sociology. Connect with her through her website and Facebook.
Riikka Rajamaki
Riikka Rajamaki