Dismantling the Romantic Illusion of ‘Happily Ever After’ and Stepping into Authentic Relating.
What sort of fantasy had I been living in?
The perfectly woven illusion that I should live happily ever after with Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet and carrying me away into the sunset. My mind hanging on to promises that were fed by false media, unveiling that life is perfect once he comes along and saves me from my own peril. This romantic delusion started to crumble.
I woke up and realized that in reality — not fantasy — relationships take hard work.
They require me to keep showing up. To stop hiding, avoiding, dismissing my rich inner world. It requires a new depth of courage to speak the unspeakable, even if it means risking the love of my life. My heart feels the weight when I’m in a relationship that doesn’t allow for my expansion, yet at times I fear the ripple effect of my unfurling growth.
In my romantic illusion, there is no space for growth, just expectation. No arguments, no challenges, no confrontations. My core belief is that every day should be perfect and everything runs like a well-oiled machine. There is no wiggle room for my emotional repertoire or the highs and lows of my human experience. There is nothing but the mundane niceties. There is no wonder.
There is no living on the edge or diving into the curiosity of the unknown.
Yet, something much deeper wants to burst through. My fullness as a woman yearns to be expressed. It desires to break through our illusions to reach new heights of awareness, sensitivity, respect, pleasure, beauty, love and sexuality.
An authentic woman doesn’t accept what has been assigned to her. She explores through her own intimate way of relating to the world, trying and testing every belief fed to her. Naturally giving herself permission to make her own rules through her path of self-discovery.
A true warrior doesn’t lie down and die to the illusion, she slowly dismantles it. She gets up and finds her way. A new way that she hasn’t walked before.
Meeting life at the edge reveals unexplored possibilities. It evokes a new heart-to-heart intimacy that leaves no space for protective walls. This new way isn’t the superficial kind of love where it focuses on what you have.
No, this is much deeper; it is all about how you feel. It drops the façade of Prince Charming coming to rescue you, and invites you to step through the veil of illusion. It calls you into the heat of the challenge when it arises to learn how to connect with your unexpressed feelings. Authentic relating offers a vessel to ride your defense mechanisms, to soften your swords of blame and step into greater vulnerability.
It’s hard. It’s scary. It is risky.
But this is the warrior’s way.
A past of pain, rejection and abandonment still holds strong. The risk of not being held with sensitivity or lovingkindness when I open myself to another. There is no guarantee that this one will be different.
But this time I am different. I am showing up for me.
I am choosing to stand in the fire of all my pain. Becoming intimate with my fear for what could go wrong and chance it, to see what could go right.
As I meet my beloved, we share a common bond. We both carry a detailed story, a rich tapestry of personal experiences that have left us feeling alone. Our stories have woven instinctive reactions to protect us. When someone gets too close, our defensive weapons come out to play.
Dismissiveness, blame and sneaky distractions all start to surface when one person is unwilling to show up to do the real work. This can feel isolating, and leaves you silently questioning what is wrong with me. But the real question is: what is right with you? Trauma loves to separate. It loves to make you feel like you are the problem, and severs any form of real loving connection.
The illusion is perfectly woven for you to self-deprecate your natural, authentic self. This self-inflicting annihilation allows you to internalize that you are not important or worthy enough of that intimate relationship, thus only enhancing the delusion that there is something inherently wrong with you. Especially if you cannot sustain the fantasy depicted by our movies.
It teaches you that your voice, feelings, successes and challenges are not important.
But what I desire is much more potent.
I want to feel the raw capacity of change so I no longer have to carry this burden. The pretend reality of everything is perfect weighs heavily on my heart. I desire to surrender deeper into love. I want to soften my hard edges and find space for the real me to enter. I want to shine the light of honesty on my shadowy sides which constantly try to steal my truth.
In the peak of a heated moment, I meet my discomfort and uninhibitedly express my feelings to my lover, I wait to see if I will be received. I see my lover soften. He too desires a new way. Fed up with the pressure of living up to the standards of Prince Charming, he chooses to risk it all and show up. As we meet as two individuals ready to bare our hearts and pains, we melt into something much more satisfying.
We both reclaim our power. A meeting point, halfway between his-tory and her-story. The sweet surrender when I give myself permission to soften and feel a deeper love. I choose to leave behind all the confines that attempt to squeeze my expansive self into a round hole. I am ready to relinquish external impacts that depict how my relationship should be, and feel the delights I’ve been longing for.
This is the true essence of a path with heart.
Relationships are my vessels for growth. They are places to stumble and find my feet, time and time again. They allow me to become a woman who stands more truthfully in herself. I can indulge in the rich juiciness of living on the edge. I get to feel the magic of life pulsing through my body, rather than blocking any form of real living.
They invite me to come from a place where my love cup overflows to my lover and life. I choose this way of relating over those romantic illusions any day.
And in all honesty, my upgraded version of authentic relating is much more satisfying. Why don’t you join me?
Naomi Cameron is a Transformative and Empowerment Coach. She guides people to stand in their truth and speak from the heart, allowing them to become who they truly are. She specializes in healing any trauma pattern and removing fearful limiting beliefs that block people being their full, radiant, expansive, awesome self. Her passion is to empower people to reconnect and restore their internal well-being so that they can live the life they desire. Connect with Naomi through Facebook, or read more of her life-changing articles on her website.