you and me

Surviving the Predator: A True Story. {Part Two}

 

I could hardly breathe without him. When we were separated, he would text, Skype and email me constantly with pages of love, insights, guidance and wisdom.

I was amazed at how much he could feel me when we were so far apart. He seemed to sense when I was missing him or doubting him. And then he would either appear in person, or send a message. I felt like I belonged to someone. That I had surrendered. I had let go, and was in the process of merging.

By the time we left for France in June 2009, a few warning signs were appearing. There was one time when we were arguing in his mother’s house in London, and he threw me across the room. His mother came into the room asking him to stop, and he told her to keep out, that it was none of her business, and that I was now his fiancé.

Another time, I noticed he was terribly rude to his mother. Telling her to shut up in front of my parents. She had offered her opinion on something and he just silenced her. I also noticed he disliked my best friend, and started to warn me against her. He seemed to have this ability to switch his charm on and off.

When he was off, it was like a thunderstorm was gathering. I could actually sense the build up of storm clouds around us. It was palpable. And of course, familiar. This was how I would often feel as a child.

By the time we moved to France, his mood swings happened every three days. I began to record and document our behavior, to see whether there was a pattern. The pattern was, every third day he would start off in a depression, and by the afternoon, flare up into a raging storm.

We would have blazing rows, and that would often end in physical violence because I would try to leave. I did not like arguing or confrontation, and so I would attempt to leave. He would try to lock me in a room or grab me as I tried to leave through the front door or out of a window. I would try to get out of his clutches and we would often end up on the floor wrestling with one another.

One time he yelled at me, “I am the anti-Christ,” and I completely believed him.

During all of this, we were writing a book on the Sacred Feminine and the womb. It was hard to decipher what was what. Were we arguing because of our daily lives, or were we arguing because we were unraveling and getting into our gender-based wounding?

It was during this time that I developed gynecological problems. I had a polyp and pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. This made the writing and the journey all together more real. It provided a very real scare, and gave me the sincerity to make the journey of recovery authentic and mappable. I began delving into my sexuality, gender-based issues, and buried emotions.

Obviously, a lot came up! Up came my childhood, the religious wars, the violence, the fear, the guilt, the shame — everything and more. During this time, he was exceptionally loving. Holding me, taking me to the hospital, holding my hand through all the medical procedures. It felt as if we went through this health crisis together, which led me to bond with him even more.

However, once I had the all-clear, the same three-day darkness pattern returned.

I felt very cut off and alone. I was not allowed out of his sight. He went with me everywhere. One time, I did manage to escape and I fled to the Angel Sanctuary, an art gallery in a nearby town. I explained what was happening. All I was wearing was a long T-shirt. No underwear, no shoes. I had my passport and money. The lady asked me to just get away, to get in my car and drive back to the UK.

Instead, I drove back to where he was waiting. I wasn’t ready to leave. I wasn’t ready to accept that all of this was wrong, and that I had made a mistake.

I thought I was just having problems adjusting to his alpha male nature. Plus, we were writing this book together. I did not want to mess this up and lose my chance of being a writer. And, the importance of the book weighed heavy upon me. I felt as if I would be letting women down if I walked away. So I hung in there.

And it carried on like this nonstop.

I would be taken on all his retreats. Half the time I was his esteemed co-teacher, the other times I would be humiliated and shunned, or used as an example of a person with deep wounds. It was very shameful to see how low I fell. All the students were forbidden to speak to me, or show any signs of compassion. Everyone was afraid of him.

Once again, he kept me close to his side, and should I get close to anyone, I was swiftly pulled away.

In September 2009, there was a retreat to Egypt. This retreat was pure madness. The first thing he wanted was for me to be intimate with another female participant.

I refused, and he was furious, saying this refusal was my own conditioning, and how I needed to move beyond it. I questioned whether this was true. I had not done any sexual healing work, and being British, I kind of suspected I may have sexual issues. So I was open to explore these ideas for myself as contemplation, not as an act that involved other people.

The whole retreat turned into a fantasy-driven hunt for dark aliens inside of the ancient Egyptian tombs. He announced that he was the reincarnation of Osiris, and this was a big mission that we were destined to accomplish. It really was a life-or-death situation.

Towards the end of the retreat, the final ceremony took place in the Cheops pyramid, where he channeled the anti-Christ and all that was dark and evil into my womb for transmutation. He felt that my health crisis was a sign that I had an open and pure womb, and that I was destined to take on this level of work on behalf of us all.

And of course, I agreed, because it tied into my childhood prayers to take on one day of the 40 days in the wilderness. “This must be it,” I thought.

As I was lying naked in the sarcophagus, and the strange proceedings began, I knew to hold on to my prayers for dear life, and to be honest, I did feel safe and protected despite the madness that was going on up above me.

This is a three-part series by Anaiya Sophia.

Check out the first chapter in ‘Surviving the Predator: A True Story. {Part One}’.

Tune in next week for the next chapter in ‘Surviving the Predator: A True Story’.

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Anaiya Sophia is a mystic of an almost forgotten faith. She is mostly known as being an author of six books, including ‘Womb Wisdom’, ‘Sacred Sexual Union’ and ‘Sacred Relationships’. She is currently working on her latest book, ‘Fierce, Fierce  Feminine: One Woman’s Quest to find Her Authentic Voice’. She also orchestrates worldwide gatherings where men and women can delve into the celebration of joy and love. Her themes often include sexuality, relationships, and the higher union of both. She lives in the south of France with her husband , where they run a B&B called Occitania in the Magdalene/Cathar foothills of the Pyrenees.

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