poetry

Look Away, Set Me Free: Being Hard on Myself Again. {poetry}

 

When I have a moment to stop and pause, on very rare occasions, I get caught in this deep thought and struggle to get out without cursing myself about all my faults that come to mind.

I’m fortunate enough to have a healthy and happy son, a supportive family who live close by, a roof over my head, I drive a reliable car, and I’m part of a great workplace, but when I look at those social media apps, I see what I don’t have. I see these amazing things other people in the world are experiencing, and what they’re able to provide for their children.

That’s when I look in the mirror, I get confused, I lose hope of ever achieving huge success. I feel like these daily struggles will haunt me forever and my goals and dreams that I work toward seem so distant and unrealistic.

I dream of travel, saying goodbye to debt, saying hello to new people, exposing my son to amazing opportunities and sharing my warm, open heart and sense of humor with as many people as I can.

Reminding myself to look away from the mirror, to look outside and to escape the smallness of the negative mindset that consumes me when I pause, is my biggest challenge.

Oh, but when I do, when I look away, I feel free.

***

Don’t look in mirrors, they’ll just confuse you,
What you see doesn’t match what you want to do.
Every time I look at me,
I forget dreams and I’m stuck in reality.
Look away, set me free.

I get home, take my shoes off of my feet, feel like I can barely breathe, another working day has passed me by.
I look at bills still unpaid, wondering when I’ll live a day, where money won’t be a worry.
I call my mum to buy my groceries, cause I can’t afford food to feed my boy properly.
He’s growing up so fast, making wishes that I can’t master. He looks at me, and it takes everything to pull together and be that role model he needs.

Don’t look in mirrors, they’ll just confuse you,
What you see doesn’t match what you want to do.
Every time I look at me,
I forget dreams and I’m stuck in reality.
Look away, set me free.

I don’t go on holidays, my rent takes up most of my pay. Farewell, adventurers.
Discover the world and send me a postcard, so alone doesn’t feel so hard, remind me the world is bigger than this town.
The stars I see, do you see them too? Or are the ones you see more shiny and beautiful?
I wish for rain on sunny days, and exhaust my brain by trying to change my mindset.

Don’t look in mirrors, they’ll just confuse you,
What you see doesn’t match what you want to do.
Every time I look at me,
I forget dreams and I’m stuck in reality.
Look away, set me free.

There I go, being hard on myself again, but it’s hard, when I’m my biggest enemy and my biggest fan.
I get stuck in comparison-land, I start to think Well, she has that and they have this, thanks a lot, Instagram.
Have I accomplished enough in life? Yes, of course I have, no, wait, no! No man even wants you as their wife!
But I’m a good mum, a good friend, and I’m the greatest at my job than any other human, then I think Who cares?
I say my prayers, and hope god will help me through another day, amen.

Don’t look in mirrors, they’ll just confuse you,
What you see doesn’t match what you want to do.
Every time I look at me,
I forget dreams and I’m stuck in reality.
Look away, set me free.

***

Lisa Thomas is a loving and giving mother who faces those everyday anxieties and somewhat negative feels which we all suffer from at some point. She constantly compares herself with others and their achievements, thanks to modern-day social media apps and lack of self-esteem. However, she aspires to be free by finding her way out of this funk.

***

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