you and me

A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part One}

 

(Warning:  Some have found these words comforting as they have been going through similar experiences, and others have found these words triggering because it calls into question some long-held beliefs.  Continue at your own risk.)

Be Queen. Be sovereign. Sovereign has been a major buzzword for a bit now, and like all things connected to Spirit, it is divine timing that this concept is making its way into the consciousness of the masses. If ever there was a time we all need to be firmly anchored in our personal sovereignty so we can create something better together, it is most definitely now.

I have been walking with this word and this energetic concept for the past year, as the second spiral on my Priestess path is focused on becoming Queen, the culmination of which is marked by the Queen Crowning ceremony, which I just completed.

I also just completed my divorce process and officially ended my marriage of 11 years, because in order to actually claim my sovereignty and be Queen, I could no longer participate in a relationship with a co-dependent foundation. That was not obvious to me a year ago.

A year ago, I knew things were a little lackluster in my marriage and we had some separate interests, but I did not understand the extent to which I had ignored my soul’s calling, and in essence, had built my own cage and put on my own handcuffs.

I had no idea I was not living from a place of knowing my own worth, my absolute right to be here, my birthright of receiving love, and the value and necessity of my gifts. I did not understand all the tricky ways of the highly motivating and manipulative fear of not feeling safe, and the pervasive story of lack that had been playing out in my life since childhood.

I knew I had not always made truly conscious choices, but I did not know the depths of the ingrained patterns and how they were still shaping my choices and my life until I committed to being sovereign.

At first, sovereign meant doing what I wanted and needed to do, without influence from others. It meant listening to my inner voices, and not asking others for validation for what I knew. It meant minding my business. It meant paying attention to my self-care so I could fill my cup and be better available to my family and friends.

It meant accepting the fact that I had a responsibility to myself for myself. It meant creating a list of values, and then making sure my actions supported those values so I stayed in integrity. I did these things, but only at a surface level.

I did not dig deep into the parts of me that had a need to hear others’ opinions, and get others’ approval. Intellectually I understood the motivations behind my need for outside validation, but I did not feel it. I did not give those parts of me the space to be seen and felt in all their raw ugliness.

And besides, we are supposed to turn to our partners and ask, “What do you think?” That’s how we show we care, right? We want love, and show just enough weakness, they accept the role of savior and respond with loving concern.

To me, minding my business meant keeping my energy to myself, but still managing my loved ones. Kids needed me? Great, I could pee later. Husband having a crisis of confidence, and a list of excuses why he couldn’t do more? I was there to stroke the ego.

They were my business after all: a little family unit existing in its own little bubble, and me, with no boundaries, but still minding my business, and still guaranteed some sort of security.

Then there was the self-care. This one was all on me. I made sure I got some time to myself, but I had to earn it first. House clean, grocery shopping done, meals made, everyone taken care of, and then I could go. Real self-care would’ve looked like me sprinting out the front door as fast as I could with no way to find me the moment I needed it.

But this did not happen because I did not believe in my right to it, and I did not understand the responsibility of it to myself.

I did definitely pay attention to my values. I made a list, adjusted my actions to support said values, and the whole time, never realized I was still putting myself second. Everything on that list was outside of me. I was nowhere on that list. Do all I could to save the planet? Check. Do all I could to save myself? Not so much.

Did I understand that by valuing myself and my gifts I was claiming my worth, and that it was a radical act of self-love? Well, no, that hadn’t happened yet.

I was taking all the steps, following the program, and I was still so angry, still so full of resentment, and still so not sovereign. Then, one day, while standing in the shower during the exact moment Pluto went direct, and hidden things became revealed, I shockingly and unexpectedly said out loud, “I don’t want to be married anymore,” and then my mouth snapped shut.

It was true. I felt the reverberation of it go through my body, and despite the warm water, I got chicken skin on every inch of me. And that was the beginning of the end, and the beginning of actually understanding what sovereign meant.

This is a four-part series by Cinnamon Rose.

Tune in next week for the next chapter in ‘A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce’.

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Cinnamon Rose is a trained, initiated Priestess through the Awakening Avalon lineage, a lineage of the Ladies of the Lake, and through the dedication of her piko to the Fire Goddess Pele. She weaves the energies of water and fire together as the Warrior and the Lover in service to the evolution of individuals, Gaia, and the Collective. Cinnamon offers private mentorship for those interested in awakening their sovereignty through healing of trauma, and the transformation of friction into true potential. To learn more about her offerings or to book for private mentorship, connect with her via Priestess. Warrior. Lover. or Instagram. Cinnamon is mother to two bright souls, and lives in Central Oregon, where she lets her Wild Woman run naked in the snow, calls down the moonlight with her Sorceress, and performs feats of strength and endurance with her Warrior in her favorite Crossfit gym.

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  1. A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part Four} | Rebelle Society

    May 25, 2018 at 7:01 am

    […] out the first chapter in ‘A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part One}’, the second chapter in ‘A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part […]

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