you and me

A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part Two}

 

(Highlighting the anger and rage which informed and illuminated just how ‘not sovereign’ I was, and also fueled the courage I needed to get myself free.)

There’s a lot of collective anger right now.  There are crazy amounts of injustices, hypocrisy, myopic thinking, selfishness, power dynamics, and straight-up habitual bullshit that’s been going on so long, we’ve gotten used to it and don’t even recognize its smell.

And, the adage from Hermes Trismegistus applies, even if I have to switch it around a little, “As without, so within.” At least I find it’s true for this Priestess. If there’s something in the collective I am channeling, and it’s triggering me, there’s an excellent chance it’s something I’m not looking at in myself, and the anger at the behavior of others is really just a mirror for my own.

Sometimes I can’t smell my own bullshit. And that was the case for my quest for sovereignty until I let that anger be felt, seen, and said out loud.

There’s nothing quite like letting the anger you feel as a small irritation have air time, and in an instant you’ve gone from merely irritated to full-on rage, and the clarity it brings knocks you on your ass. And there is absolutely nothing like the extent and fury of your rage when you realize you are where you are because of your own choices, and that you did it to yourself.

The moment you see how you’ve been playing the Victim and the Martyr, how the chains you’re wearing were forged by you, is an end game. There is no going back. There is no unseeing. There is only getting them off, and getting your freedom back for yourself.

This is what came of the realization that I no longer wanted to be married, and that the spoken and unspoken agreements I made were no longer viable.

I could no longer uphold what was keeping me in a small, stunted, unactualized role, what was supporting my fear-based pattern and habits of sex for money (money representing safety and security), and what was a betrayal of my actual values and myself.

The necessary and consuming rage burned off the blinders and showed me all the ways I had been manipulated by my own fears, how I had self-sacrificed for what I thought was a good secure deal, how I let my boundaries be at first weak, and then non-existent, to keep the status quo and keep myself safe. And all the while, I was supposedly becoming sovereign. Queen.

How bitter was that hypocrisy-laced pill, and the knowledge that I was perpetuating the power dynamic of sex for money. How sickening was the extensive tally of injustices in the form of boundary-crossings I had been delivering to myself by not saying, “No, this is mine, you may not have it.”

And how could I have been perpetuating the myopic, habitual patterns of either/or reactions that I knew were based in fears that I was aware of and had worked with to heal? (Pro tip: Whenever someone says, “I’ve done my shadow work,” you can sure as shit know they have more to do. Ask me how I know.)

How was my entire life looking exactly like the collective patterns that were so out of alignment with what I valued?

I had betrayed myself over and over, and every moment I continued on the current path was another betrayal. Of course, yes, I saw how it would be possible to work on the marriage, give things a chance with these new awarenesses, but I didn’t want to. And that message was coming from my heart and soul.

The heat of the anger had catapulted me into a quest of self-actualization at all costs, and the flames that were consuming the lies I was telling myself were leaving me raw, but also clear-sighted and true-feeling. There was gnosis, finally.

There was absolute knowledge that this part of my journey had to be made on my own, or I would never get free of the co-dependencies, and I would not heal the wounds that had caused them.

The only way for me to take responsibility for myself was to be by myself so I could look at my shit and say, “See? This is you manipulating the situation to be safe. This is you rolling over and letting your boundaries disappear in order to keep the peace and security. This is you taking care of others until there is nothing left for yourself in a martyr-ish attempt to win their love.”

I saw so clearly what I needed to do. And so I did, and initiated the divorce. And then, there was grief like none other.

This is a four-part series by Cinnamon Rose.

Check out the first chapter in ‘A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part One}’.

Tune in next week for the next chapter in ‘A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce’.

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Cinnamon Rose is a trained, initiated Priestess through the Awakening Avalon lineage, a lineage of the Ladies of the Lake, and through the dedication of her piko to the Fire Goddess Pele. She weaves the energies of water and fire together as the Warrior and the Lover in service to the evolution of individuals, Gaia, and the Collective. Cinnamon offers private mentorship for those interested in awakening their sovereignty through healing of trauma, and the transformation of friction into true potential. To learn more about her offerings or to book for private mentorship, connect with her via Priestess. Warrior. Lover. or Instagram. Cinnamon is mother to two bright souls, and lives in Central Oregon, where she lets her Wild Woman run naked in the snow, calls down the moonlight with her Sorceress, and performs feats of strength and endurance with her Warrior in her favorite Crossfit gym.

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  1. A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part Three} | Rebelle Society

    May 18, 2018 at 11:52 am

    […] Check out the first chapter in ‘A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part One}’ and the second chapter in ‘A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part Two}’. […]

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