you and me

A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part Four}

 

(How I’m truly on my way to being sovereign after the divorce.)

There’s a little bit — okay, a lot — of an irresponsible, bypassing, immature streak to the spiritual community. The ex-Buddhist monk who taught me mindfulness and meditation called it being a Bliss Bunny, and was very adamant that I understand what being spiritual was not.

Yes to all the mercy, compassion, forgiveness, joy, and ecstasy. A hard No to skipping any steps of being with what is actually moving through you in any given moment. When you are being with what is, you are actually being with what is, especially if it’s anger, frustration, hate, jealousy, vengeance, irritation, selfishness, or any other emotions labeled bad or not spiritual.

There’s no such thing as a not spiritual emotion or state. It’s all one. Yes, that’s totally what I call a Yoda answer. You gotta understand it for yourself. Do the work.

We do get to feel mercy, compassion, and forgiveness for ourselves and for others. But if you bypass the other bad emotions, then it is not possible to actually get to those heart-expanding states, and you just reinforce the co-dependencies and other compensating behaviors if you try.

That was an important lesson for me as I untangled myself in order to be sovereign. And really, there was so much rage, anger, and grief front-loaded in my process and coursing through my body, it wasn’t possible for me to even pretend having any forgiveness and compassion anyway.

Going through those other steps first was absolutely necessary (obviously, because that is what was present). But I did eventually find myself able to create some space between feeling those all-consuming thoughts and emotions, the burning down and burying of old patterns and habits, and feeling something else.

First though, there needed to be honoring of what had been. I needed to actually honor and respect the choices I had made as the safety mechanisms they had been. I needed to honor and respect the 13 years of relationship with my ex, and all the growth and learning that had happened between us and within myself.

I needed to honor and respect that getting to this place had actually taken courage, from both of us. I needed to honor all of it, and see the situation from a higher, greater vantage point, before I could find mercy and forgiveness for us both. And I did want to get to those emotions. How could I not? I’d been in the depths of the pain for a while now. I was ready for something else.

Being merciful is absolutely a sign of sovereignty. It is granting a pardon when it is in your power to demand retribution, and as a Queen upholding her boundaries, there is an obligation to defend and deliver consequences for trespasses.

But there is also the consideration of a person’s life story, and the other Queenly qualities of compassion for their pain, and forgiveness for their mistakes, especially if said person is yourself.

No, I’m not talking about mercy for my ex here. He is no longer any of my business, and that would be bypassing anyway because I’m still angry at him for some things. He had a girlfriend before we even submitted our divorce papers. Yeah, I’ve got some anger and betrayal and thoughts of inadequacy to feel and unpack there.

I am speaking of  having mercy for myself. I am the one who chose sovereignty. I am the one who did not defend my own boundaries. I am the one who did not value myself. I am the one who sacrificed my own self-care. And I am the one who has been punishing myself above and beyond for all those transgressions.

The mercy being granted is to myself. The compassion being felt is for myself. The forgiveness being offered is to myself, as it must be. Mercy, forgiveness, and compassion for myself first, and then I will be able to offer it to others. You cannot grant something you haven’t already granted yourself. And that is another layer of being sovereign.

At this point in the journey, I truly know it doesn’t end. There is no point at which I say, “There, I am totally free. I am sovereign. Crown me Queen.” No, it’s more like, “I’m doing my best. More shit will come up. I will see more layers. I will be angry again. I will grieve again. I will find mercy and compassion again.”

And in the meantime, I’ll be doing it all with the crown already on my head, because I know sovereign is a choice. Showing up as Queen is a choice. And I am choosing it over and over again.

This is a four-part series by Cinnamon Rose.

Check out the first chapter in ‘A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part One}’, the second chapter in ‘A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part Two}’ and the third chapter in ‘A Queen’s Quest for Sovereignty and How It Led to Divorce. {Part Three}’.

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Cinnamon Rose is a trained, initiated Priestess through the Awakening Avalon lineage, a lineage of the Ladies of the Lake, and through the dedication of her piko to the Fire Goddess Pele. She weaves the energies of water and fire together as the Warrior and the Lover in service to the evolution of individuals, Gaia, and the Collective. Cinnamon offers private mentorship for those interested in awakening their sovereignty through healing of trauma, and the transformation of friction into true potential. To learn more about her offerings or to book for private mentorship, connect with her via Priestess. Warrior. Lover. or Instagram. Cinnamon is mother to two bright souls, and lives in Central Oregon, where she lets her Wild Woman run naked in the snow, calls down the moonlight with her Sorceress, and performs feats of strength and endurance with her Warrior in her favorite Crossfit gym.

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