you and me

Why I Am Giving up on Finding the Love of My Life.

 

Atrévete a vivir tu propia aventura.

This is the phrase on the front of a notebook that I bought while in Madrid because I loved the phrase Dare to Live Your Own Adventure.

On a whim, I chose a picture of this for my cover picture on Facebook, and now I see why.

I have been single for a while now. In fact, I don’t want to think about how long it has been. Four years maybe?

I have been frustrated, had my heart broken so many times, and it always seemed the it was the wrong timing with men.

God, the amount of times I prayed, manifested, wrote love letters, created vision boards, wrote a list of what I wanted to attract in the positive, stayed present, etc. You name it, I did it.

Yet, somehow, energetically I felt a blockage. I wasn’t sure why or how, apart from being frustrated to the point of tears.

Please, please, can you send me my man now? I am so bloody lonely, and want somebody to keep my bed warm.

As a lover of tantra and conscious sexuality, finding my beloved seemed like the most logical and only thing I wanted. I adore love, I adore intimacy, but I couldn’t find a person to share it with who wanted to stick around too.

I felt like my guides were just silently shaking their heads at me. Why?

I bargained and prayed. Every time I saw an article about manifesting love, I devoured it and put it into practice. I was so, so hungry.

Dare to live your own adventure.

My friend invited me last minute to a Shakti Tantra retreat, just for women. I had spent that week moping around, fighting off a virus and generally feeling sorry for myself. So I jumped at it.

Travel refreshes me, it makes me feel more motivated, inspired, and better able to tackle the daily routine.

And then one evening, after I got back from the workshop, it hit me. I need to travel more.

I realized that all of the unanswered prayers for love weren’t a knock back from the Universe.

It wasn’t my guides playing tricks on me.

It wasn’t a constant No.

It was the sign all along that I need to go on more adventures on my own first.

I don’t know when I will have this freedom again, financially and timewise, so it suddenly became painstakingly obvious that I must take it and fly.

I give up waiting, trying to change myself and hoping that if I energetically do something different, the right man will suddenly run towards me.

Having been sick for so long, the answer is glaringly obvious.

Go away, travel, and find yourself!

I knew I was going to Poland for training, and that I wanted to go to the south of Spain to lie down in the sun, do nothing, and have time to unwind. Then with more googling, I discovered I can work and volunteer in retreat centers abroad. Hell yes, I’ll do that.

I intend to do more dancing, Yoga classes, and language meetups. More of what makes me feel blissful and puts me in new places.

I had been sick for a very long time. I never got the chance to be a normal teenager and young woman because I was stuck in care homes, unable to leave the bed. I have no children, no husband to tie me down. If not now, when? Am I going to be languishing around forever hoping that a man will rescue me? You can do better than that, Lucy. You wanted to be an independent, powerful, well-traveled goddess.

This is your ticket to go!

If this isn’t a sign from the Universe to focus on myself, on healing, on finding my place in the world and exploring it, then I must be a very bad clairvoyant.

Deep down, I have wanted to be so well-traveled and confident in myself as an adult and as a woman that the right man will slot nicely into my already fabulous life.

Now is my time. I’ll send you a postcard.

***

Lucy Rowett is a certified Sex Coach, all-around sex geek, and champion for sex-positivity in Brighton, United Kingdom. She’s passionate about building connections, creating community, and of course, sexual empowerment. When not seeing clients, you can find her planning her next travel adventure, sipping tea, and dancing in her living room. Find her on her website or connect with her on Instagram.

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