21: They Called You a Hero. {poetry}
{source}
21
Watching over my shoulder, like a prisoner tasting freedom for the first time
My heart raced, as your march changed from a cadence to a shuffle of shackles
21 years of camouflage cover, released the being of my soul
The strike of the mallet on the stand, startled like a bomb upon silence
An exceptional sentence, the judge said, releasing 21 years of my captivity
They called you a hero, now you’re a prisoner
16
You loved me like no other, you said, a special love between a father and a daughter
You told me to keep it together, You said, Bend down, bend over. Yes, sir!
The ‘yes, sir’ was silent, even though I came to attention every time you said to do so
Submitting every inch of my physical being
Although my mouth was shut tight like a zipper during a cold winter storm, my mind held on, with all it had, never wanting to give in
They called you a hero, I called you the enemy
This can’t be forever
8
You penetrated me like a tomahawk missile through the side of a brick building
Pressure like no other, tearing edge by edge, in slow motion
I could feel the burning, the aftereffects of the attack that shook me from my head to my toes
Hovering like a drone in the night, I would look down and watch the heinous fight
You are the glue of this family, you said
I felt like a kamikaze being thrown into a suicide
I will maintain my silence
Until my grave is around me
This can’t be forever
4
A blanket lay upon my lap covering the shame
As the Brady Bunch played on the TV
You grasped my innocence between your fingers, the same fingers that held your cigarette, and you stripped me away
All I wanted was to laugh and run and play, but you took it all away, my trust, my purity, my virginity
The rubble was all around me, I caught my breath as the dust settled, waving the white flag of surrender
Your status of soldier didn’t make you a hero
Zero
I don’t exactly remember, from the safety of my mother’s womb, to the monster you were hiding
The doctor slapped my butt, searching for the sound — as the cries came, you knew life was just given to your sex toy
I didn’t know how to speak or fight, being pure and new. Skin of porcelain, eyes of innocence, arms and legs of zero control
I didn’t know any different, I could even fight it, I lay there and allowed it
Infancy was the beginning, you said
The beginning of you stealing my childhood, my soul.
***
Pennie Saum is a voice-seeker, writer and blogger. She is candid regarding her abuse, and is actively involved in advocacy and changing laws to assure rights for other survivors of child sexual abuse. She is passionate about helping other victims cross the line into being survivors with a voice, as well as helping others embrace themselves and evolve. You could contact her via email, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook.
***
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