archives, wisdom

News Flash: Being Nice Can Block a Great Relationship.


There’s an epidemic of niceness going on and it needs to stop. Not in politics, certainly, but in the way we’re taught to communicate in dating and relationships, especially if we have a spiritual bent.

Though I’m speaking directly to women in this article, this idea also applies to nice guys who aren’t direct with their desire, so if need be, please change pussy to your favorite word for cock.

Were you taught to soften your communication to make it more palatable?

Are you afraid that the full force of your feelings, or your desire, is too much?

Do you keep a lid on it and show a brave face, no matter what’s happening inside?

Somewhere along the way we were taught to mistrust our bodies, especially our pussy.

If we have any sexual trauma in our history, our pussy and heart may have disconnected from one another as a survival mechanism. If we want to have a relationship with a partner who truly meets us, our work lies in linking our pussy and heart back up.

What does this have to do with being too nice in our communications? Hang on, I’m getting there.

Those of us who are spiritually oriented, or have done personal growth work, have a lot of self-awareness about our triggers. We want to be self-responsible and not mindlessly throw our shit at others. We don’t want to react from a victim place, so we make sure to handle our feelings. God forbid we ever get messy and lose our cool.

The problem is that if we’re angry or sad because someone we like cancels a date, and we respond with something like, I understand, have fun, catch you later, it’s confusing as hell.

Super tip: People get confused when there’s a different emotional energetic simmering under our nice words because they can feel that the two don’t match. The kindest thing to do is not to hide our feelings behind nice words, but to let the person know how we really feel, as kindly and clearly as we can in the moment.

So instead of, I understand, have fun, catch you later, we could say something like, Oh bummer! I was really looking forward to seeing you and feel so disappointed right now.

It’s more vulnerable to say the real thing we’re feeling. It’s also way hotter. Our relationships suffocate under our need to be cool, nice, or overly self-responsible. The mismatch between our emotional and bodily reactions and what we communicate to others ties us up in knots.

This mismatch also drowns others in confusion, which makes them keep messing up with us.

But they run when I’m too demanding! But I don’t want to be labeled high maintenance! But the other person isn’t responsible for making me happy, I am, so I should handle my own shit! 

I can hear the cascade of potential objections and I invite you to ask yourself if you’re trying to avoid being vulnerable because you’re afraid of rejection.

I also invite you to consider whether your handling your own shit all the time could prevent someone from getting to feel and know the real you. When it doesn’t work out, it might not be because they’re an asshole, but because you never let them feel you, so they finally gave up on getting through your walls.

My friend, anyone who runs in the face of your disappointment or anger is not the one for you.

Please run as fast as you can from anyone who would rather you be nice over being real.

That said, being real is not an excuse to clobber people! Read on before you decide that I just gave you permission to spew all your unprocessed emotional crap on others.

In my experience, good potential partners snap to attention when our communication and energy are clear and aligned, whether that communication is joyful and approving or disappointed and angry.

They do more of the things we like and do their best to correct the things that had us feel disappointed or angry. They want to feel our joy and radiance, because joy and radiance are important nutrients for them.

Depending on how traumatized we are, bringing our pussy and heart into alignment can require deep inner work to clear the past out of our emotional, energetic, and physical bodies. This work can be challenging and may be best done with a coach like me or a therapist.

If we lead with a disconnected heart, we tend to be loving, cuddly, and sweet at the expense of stoking sexual fire. We tend to attract matching, wounded partners who need a mother more than a lover. 

If we lead with a disconnected pussy, we tend to have hot sex at the expense of emotional connection. We treat our lovers like shit, discard them, or look down on them for being into us, because we’re disconnected from our innate worth.

Our innate worth naturally arises from an aligned pussy and heart. It’s not something we have to create, grow into, or make happen. It’s what’s left when all the crap we believe about ourselves falls away. That aligned sense of innate worth is gorgeous, magnetic, and who we really are.

Once we realign the link between our pussy and heart, and learn to communicate the impact of someone’s actions directly to them — without sacrificing the bodily knowing of our pussy or the tender knowing of our heart — we’re on our way to emitting a clear, undeniable beacon that calls to us the right person for a juicy and real partnership.


Marie-Elizabeth Mali coaches women to move from self-doubt and struggle to self-trust and buoyancy: the sweet spot between effort and letting go. She’s also a writer and underwater photographer who has a thing for sharks. You can connect with her through her websiteFacebook, or Instagram.


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