you and me

From My Dream Diaries: A Tribute to Lost Soul-Pieces.

 

We all carry fractured and fragmented soul-pieces, and I have learned that my own are made up of so many things — guilt, sadness, shame, fear of disappointing, but above everything, a fear of being bad, evil somehow. As if I may have done immense wrong.

I keep expecting Spirit to come through with revealing it, but when I’m taken back to past lives, what I’m being shown is merely a restless soul whose greatest wrong is that of exhibiting rebellious behavior against the rigidity of unjust religious and social structures.

The memories come through as such mundane experiences sometimes. This scene I remember vividly because it carries something significant for the process of my soul-retrieval, probably because of losing an important piece of my soul in that lifetime, around that age.

I was a teenager, African-American, and in cahoots with a friend, I stole a farm tractor. As the police spotted us, they executed a maneuver, and being the terrible drivers that we were, with no real experience, we crashed into an object and were taken to the police station.

In this scene, sitting on a chair is the mother of my friend who had come to be there for her child. I’m to her right, and as I wait to have my fingerprints taken, scared and with no one to have come for me, I tell her that I don’t want to be alone.

She says only three words, “You’re not alone,” and a beautiful and nurturing feeling washes over me as I sleep, to help me remember. She is a soul mother. She is the mother of all.

Many times, I find myself going back to that moment. I wonder what she’d say if I shared it with her.

Does she believe in past lives?

Does she know how caring and nurturing her spirit is?

I didn’t know when I left that year to a different land that I leave to meet with people from my past. Looking back, the Divine had it all planned.

The scared, rebellious black little girl was still bruising in a little corner of my heart, waiting to be acknowledged, and the woman who had nurtured her before was there to nurture me once again. I don’t know that she realizes how much that meant to me.

The feelings of darkness that come over at times, I want to believe they are the lost soul-pieces that were created through traumatic events in the past.

That really I did not do any immense wrong.

That perhaps my rebellious nature and my being different had people define me and project onto me a mist of negativity that I accepted as truth.

I don’t know how many lifetimes ago I started believing I was made of darkness, but I know that the mist grew bigger and bigger as I kept feeding it with my own thoughts and emotions.

Several times I woke up in the middle of the night to see it hovering above me, and as soon as I opened my eyes, it would vanish into the ceiling as startled as I was. Perhaps knowing that now that I had acknowledged it, the time was short and eventually there would be nothing left to feed on. Darkness cannot feed on light.

The times that we are living now are times to call back our fragmented soul-parts because they too are calling out to us.

Many lost soul-pieces await restlessly to be acknowledged and called back into wholeness, just as the ruins of wrecked ships from long ago are waiting for the next storm to uncover them.

We must listen.

We must do the work similar to how a lighthouse-keeper tends to the lighthouse and climbs up to the top to add oil to the lantern. So must we work diligently with our soul to integrate the lost parts so that the light we carry can shine brighter.

Without the light in the lighthouse to guide, sailors and travelers at sea would not know to keep away from dangerous areas and would be lost in the cold, dark, stormy nights.

This is why it is important that we tend to our light, because when we don’t, we give our power away to darkness. I myself dimmed my own light until I saw nothing but darkness.

Let us do the work. Let us listen.

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Claudia Antoci is a Yoga practitioner, a horror geek, and a peanut butter marathoner with an aversion to lavender. She likes writing from the heart, although as a content writer she does admit that if you’ve got the gift, you can write about onions and make it a work of art. And she also likes beer. A lot. Claudia studied history because she thought that’s how you learn about the world. Now she recognizes that true learning is the experience of oneself in the world, which hardly ever comes through formal education. And what she would really love to do in life is animal care, because she knows that animals have so much to offer and she believes that animals can teach us about being human. Overall, she is just trying to know her Self.

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