Stop to Eat, and Never Apologize for Your Hunger.
I watch her painfully reason with herself on whether or not she should have the peanut butter chocolate brownie with her coffee.
Every time she says “No, I can’t,” but you can tell that she wants the goddamn brownie. Her starving heart is aching for just a taste of sweetness. God only knows how many times I wanted to force-feed this woman the chocolate brownie.
She came into the cafe every day, sitting in the same spot next to the window. She always looked amazing. Not a hair out of place. She wore makeup that would make Rembrandt jealous.
Most days I would bargain with the beast that whispered over her shoulder “No, don’t eat that, it’s full of sugar and starch and…” I could sense her weighing up her options. Even though she would come in and have the same thing every day. Working in a café, you learn to observe people closely. So I could sense her inner dilemma by her body language and her energy.
She had an energetic signature that many of us women carry when it comes to self-worth and food.
One time she actually succumbed to my bargaining. I was shocked she bought the chocolate peanut butter brownie. But, of course there were conditions on this brownie. I’ve heard it all before. I knew exactly what she was going to say: “Oh, but I’ll only eat half.” “Pfft, eat the whole thing,” I told her. She laughed and I cackled like a witch mixing a potion of magic. I knew exactly what I was doing.
I wanted to challenge a part of her she believed couldn’t be challenged: the beast.
Sitting directly across from the skinny-latte chocolate-brownie woman was a lady who was laughing and eating food like it was her last supper. She grabbed the plate from my hands with so much life and gusto, saying “Oh no, darling I’m not finished with that yet.” I glanced at the plate, and only traces of food were left. I placed the plate back on the table.
In that very moment, I wanted to throw my hands in the air and do a karate kick. All I could think was Thank you for ravishing life, thank you for licking every morsel on the fucking plate. Thank you! Thank you!
I finished work and didn’t feel like downing a bottle of red wine. I was okay. In fact, I felt refreshed. Sometimes when you see so much of your own fuckery in others, it can feel like the suffering is everywhere.
I am both of those women. I will lick the plate and I will also say “No, I couldn’t possibly,” but my issues with food and self run a lot deeper, and I know I’m not the only woman who is being plagued with this type of challenge.
And to be honest, there is nothing sexier or more freeing than being a woman who will devour a plate of food and not apologize for it. The Divine is on that plate, so why wouldn’t you devour it and ask for seconds?
A hungry woman is magical, she can process life. She runs with her passions and creative juices, and leaves morsels of her crumbs behind as her business card. She is burning through life with so much fire, that she must stop to eat. If she doesn’t, her heart becomes frail and she is ghostly in her appearance and words.
If a woman continues to ignore or apologize for her appetite, she will become a shadow of her truth, and her love for the world disappears.
Every time a woman rejects the gift of eating, she is negotiating the life force that burns within her. She is refusing to allow the gift of Mother Nature to nourish and sustain her love for life.
If you want to have a taste of the Divine, then eat your potato without complaining. Don’t give me that old line of “Potatoes aren’t good for you, because the diet book told me so…”
Think about how many hands it took for that beautiful little potato to reach your plate. Maybe, just maybe, you should consider how much energy Papatuanuku used to create the carbalicious piece of magic resting before you? The truth of the matter is, the potato is not making your life unhappy, and it certainly has nothing to do with the way you feel and think about yourself.
Food has nothing do with the reason you can’t accept the shape of your hips and the delicious fat on your body. That is a war fought between you and the state of your heart.
And darling, your self-worth runs much deeper than a good-food/bad-food list you’ve imprinted in your mind.
Let me tell you, you can start a new exercise and diet plan and adhere to it. You will lose weight and you will transform your stomach and shape your legs and feel good about yourself. It works. However, if you’re still finding yourself staring in the mirror berating your body even after you’ve reached your goal weight, then honey, you’ve got a war on your hands. That shit is serious.
Trust me, I’ve lived it, and at different moments of the day, I still do.
The only difference now is I’m learning to walk myself back to what I know to be true. And restricting and dieting ain’t it. Taking all my anxieties out on my body only creates more pain. And you know what? I ain’t got time for that.
If you ever find yourself in the midst of a war like this one, then please understand me when I say this: you will find your way out. You will find moments in the day, week or years when you will gain enough space in yourself to understand that the bullshit you’ve been made to believe about yourself will come to an end. That it’s not true.
You will find the strength and love to move away from anything or anyone that makes you feel less then sacred. You will find a path that allows you to accept all your beautiful imperfections. You will say Fuck You to all the conventional standards of what beauty looks like. You will say Fuck You to any thought, belief or idea that you are less than sacred land.
I know this to be true because I’m learning this right now, at the ripe age of 35 years old. I’m learning to sit in my own body with an understanding that I am sacred land. And truth be told, nothing outside of us is as beautiful as the state of the heart and the courage of the soul… nothing. Remember that.
And… eat the fucking chocolate.
Pia White is a Soulful Seeker, Writer, Intuitive Mentor and Artist who has traveled far and wide within both the inner and outer landscape. Her life path has been devoted to exploring the emotive strings that created her chaotic and soulful experiences in life, sharing these heart felt entanglements with others through creative expression, mentorship and storytelling. Her life has been full of adventure, chaos and delight. You will find her eating tahini out of a jar with carrots, meditating under trees, and stalking the ocean shoreline seeking the wisdom. She is learning to be unapologetically herself. You could contact Pia via her website, Instagram or Facebook.