you and me

All the Reasons You Shouldn’t Love Me, and the One Reason You Should.

I’d like to think Bob Marley was onto something when he said, “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy… Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

There are many reasons you shouldn’t love me, and one reason I think you should. Beneath the residue of my life you will find something to treasure, if you are willing to dig through me. Or maybe my list of damages is too long and my indiscretions run too deep for you to see the beauty underneath it all.

I know the odds are stacked up against me. I could build a pretty good case against me too. Truth is, I may not be the easiest person to love, but that’s up to you to decide and not my place to convince you either way. It took me long enough to decide that for myself. I can only give you all of me, or nothing at all.

So, in the vein of full exposure…

… I’ve hurt those I’ve loved and hurt others by not loving them enough. I try to smile through the shame of my own missteps, but I carry the weight like an anchor in my chest.

I’ve been hurt. Deeply hurt, because I feel the width and depth of life to its full extent. I’ve been told that all the good ones do, but I may be too gun-shy to ever be innocent in love again. Some wounds never seem to heal.

I don’t trust easily. I hold myself back and test the waters. It’s a rare occasion where I dive in headfirst, which is usually due to a stroke of madness, or love, if there is a distinction between the two. I cover up my apprehension about the intentions of others by appearing lighthearted. Sometimes people notice, most times they don’t.

My biggest fear is that I’m not worth the fight. That somewhere between my multitudes of flaws is a secret ingredient that has ruined me for good. Only, I’m the last one to know. Still, I haven’t given up on me yet, neither should you.

I get lost in my daydreams and alter-realities. I can disappear for long stretches of time, leaving my body as a hollow shell behind me. I can’t promise that I won’t someday get lost there for good, but I wouldn’t mind if you came with me to the other side.

I desire depth. A condition that has gotten worse as I’ve gone through life. I have an insatiable hunger for substance and the magic beneath it all. I think I’m allergic to small talk. Though I try.

I’m restless and require constant movement. My body needs motion. My heart needs to pound in my chest. I need to see new things. Experience beauty. Be on a perpetual journey. My drive can be exhausting. It exhausts me too.

I am hard to pin down. Literally and figuratively. I hide pieces of myself away to keep them safe, and I don’t give them up easily.

My mind is relentless. A never-ending stream of colliding thoughts. The only time it feels still is when I’m creating something or making love to you. When I’m a funnel for something greater than me.

I dream of impossible things, and somehow believe they are the only truth worth actualizing. I carry hope when it’s irrational to do so, and live through my senses alone.

I love challenges. I love the feeling of being stretched beyond capacity. I lose interest in easily attainable things. They make me feel like I’m not trying hard enough to be the person I can be. I hope you feel the same about me.

I can be strange and awkward. Introverted with a tangled mind. Calm yet conflicted. Wanting to hide from the world yet somehow make it more beautiful at the same time. I can only be so social before I need to retreat and rejuvenate. Sometimes I feel that people take more out of me than they give back. Nature is what fuels me back up. 

I communicate better without speaking. My voice cracks. I cry when I’m angry. I laugh when I’m hurting. I trip over my tongue trying to explain how I feel, and sometimes I would rather show you than talk through it. This can be frustrating, I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up about it. Luckily, my body has a language of its own, my eyes are clear windows to my soul, and writing is my transparency.

My body remembers some things that I would rather forget. It can trigger me to close down, to disconnect. In my not so pretty past, it has been touched to disgust, bruised, battered, burned, cut… I’m prone to protect.

I don’t surrender easily. I can put up quite a fight, but I want you to open me. I already know that you can. I want you to seduce me into the freedom of being pleased. The freedom to just be. Let me be lost in you. I want you to remind me what it feels like to be alive and to be seen. All of me.

In this sometimes beautiful, oftentimes scrambled, wreckage that is me, there is the capacity to love so deeply that the pure vulnerability of my being is somehow worth all these imperfections. I promise. I know this because I have learned to see past them and I’ve fallen in love with me too.

I will love you as you were meant to be loved. In whole. Through the darkest part of the night, I want to see you fly. I will desire you, beyond your skin and bones. Beyond your breaks and weaknesses. I will settle for nothing less than bringing out the best in you. I will see you, all of you, and bring you inside of me as if you have been missing from my soul all along. Because you have been.

And if you angle me right, I will let you do the same with me.

I’m not easy. You’re not easy. Yet, we are both worth the fight. I can’t tell you to drop the case you are building against me, love. I can only tell you that being with you is the closest I’ve come to divinity. With all that I am, I know that our hearts will carry us home.

There are many reasons you shouldn’t love me, but if there was one reason you should, it would be because I can show you that the beauty you’ve been searching for is already within you. Through my eyes you will find you. Just as through yours I found me.

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Tiffany Bisconer is a bursting-hearted lover of all things passionate and is quite intent on squeezing the most out of her life’s potential. She is a bona fide beauty connoisseur with an exceptionally hungry brain, and has become quite accustomed to fighting for some sense of equilibrium between a complete surrender to dreamscaped idealism and the stubborn tempering of pragmatism. In her attempt to quiet and express the oft urgent and clawing desires of her being, she dances, sings, photographs, writes, paints, loves or otherwise finds some manner in which to siphon the voice of her heart. You could connect with her via her websiteFacebookInstagramPinterest or Tumblr.

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