My Mind Has Been Possessing Me.
My mind’s been possessing me for most of my life and I had no idea. I was completely oblivious to all the ways I was separating myself from the things I truly want.
My greatest fear is to leave the world forgotten and unloved. The idea that my absence won’t be felt is devastating, and yet I’ve meticulously designed a life that keeps everyone at a distance.
I used to travel for work, and never settled anywhere until the past three years. I have enough friends to satisfy my extroverted cravings and create the illusion of connectedness, but the truth is I hide when it matters the most. How can I expect to be loved, felt, and missed if I myself am absent within my own existence?
When I’m at risk of falling in love, my mind possesses me.
This is a staggering revelation, but I can’t think of nothing that makes more sense. Safety was stripped away from me before I ever had the chance to feel it. It’s still a foreign concept. All I really know is that without it, I’m in danger. Without safety protecting me, I’ve learned to protect myself in all the wrong ways.
I concluded that from observation because I’ve never let myself experience it on my own that falling in love happens in the heart. So I imprison myself in my head. As long as I’m not in my heart, I won’t be vulnerable. That’s how I reassured myself. I’ve been so busy entertaining this self-invented fear that I don’t realize I’m trapped. I’m not seeing the real threat: the tragedy of never falling in love again.
The mind can be a manipulative mother-effer. And yet we trust it blindly, sometimes more than the heart, which is ludicrous when you really think about it. Even the very idea of it makes my mind cackle. But we’re all guilty of trusting in the wrong thing. I know I am.
I’ve convinced myself that the world’s a dangerous beast and Cupid’s the devil. I’ve so desperately clung onto this belief that I even cloak my temptations in red flags.
I keep attracting the wrong guys. On paper. He’s a DJ, he’s a musician, his ex killed herself, he’s got a baby momma, his credit score sucks… everything on the surface screams Run Away! Isn’t that just convenient? Then I never have to get close with anyone and no one will ever emotionally destroy me.
Because I’m already doing it to myself. Loneliness is devastating, and when I let myself feel it, it’s haunting. In those quiet moments, I can no longer lie to myself. I can no longer hide behind my self-constructed prison. I feel it collapsing under the pressure of truth, in your presence.
I can feel denial weakening. For the first time, I’m seeing that I’ve seen truths as lies and lies as truths. We all have a history, and yes, sometimes it’s a mirror into our future. Other times, it’s just evidence that we’re human. I certainly don’t want to be judged over my past.
Deep down I believe that the more epic our mistakes, the better we are because of them. Time and time again, I find this to be true as I drown my attraction for someone with platonic friendship. It used to insulate me from imagined pain, but now I’m weighed down by regret.
I keep saying no to the things I want, to the things I attracted into my life, and then I see them pass me by. I see you in the arms of another woman and I swallow my feelings again as I look at the kind of happiness that could’ve been mine.
Liking someone’s not a reason to ghost on my feelings or the kismet connection. It’s an invitation to explore more deeply, more viscerally. Maybe then, just maybe I’ll get a taste of what I’ve never had and always wanted
Jaymie Yang is a shapeshifter of reality and a badass energy bitch who feels everything, aka an empath. She has a provoking quality that activates your deepest fears, so you can transmute them. Being a nonconformist herself, her passion is to support other wildly untraditional women and navigate them in designing the life of their dreams. She’s a Mindset Coach and a Harmonizing Energy Healer. She hosts workshops and facilitates women who are exploding with brilliant ideas to streamline them in soulfully strategic ways.