Crazy Cows Are Sacred Too.
Note: Some people might be offended by the term ‘cow’, but it has to be taken in context as it was a word my sister and I used for each other when we wanted to be real, to call each other out. Cows are amazing anyway.
Are you tired of inspirational, motivational, books, cards and DVDs that tell you to think positively, breathe, manage your stress, or give you haphazard clues from the Universe or angels?
Some of those sayings and inspirational verses are dripping with so much sweetness and innocence that I almost get a sugar high. Well, prepare to be motivated and inspired in a crazy new way.
I recently went through a tough time, where people hated me — I mean, really hated on me, dogs peed on me, babies cried if I went near them, then to top it all, the little slip of paper in a chocolate-covered fortune cookie from an upmarket store, instead of a message of hope and encouragement, read: “While jumping for joy, beware that the ground is not moved from under you!”
Well, thanks a lot, fortune cookie person! How nice of you to cheer me up and give me hope!
I promptly went online to a website where you can get free readings using runes, tarot and other forms of divination. I was desperate by this time, okay?
I chose the runes, eagerly picked the formation layout, and stated my question. The results came up on the screen, and yes, you guessed it — every rune was reversed, it was all doom and gloom, trouble and woes awaiting to befall me.
What does a crazy cow like me do in a situation like this? Most sane people would sheepishly withdraw to their bedroom, have a cool shower and sleep it off. But not me, I was determined to get to the root of this ugly state of affairs.
I have read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, and I must say, for years those methods worked. I was charming and could influence people, I was such a nice person that once even a beggar gave me money. I think that book has a shelf life, the expiry date was 2008, because since then I have been attracting flak like maggots on a dead rat.
I read The Secret, and it should have stayed a secret for all the good it did for me.
Since I hit the 50-year mark, it’s been all downhill for me, physically speaking. Everything that can sag just did! No amount of Lycra and elastication is going to do any good.
Somewhere between losing my virginity and losing my womb, I became a crazy cow.
It happened so slowly that at first no one noticed.
Until one day or many days went by where I just didn’t have the patience for things and people anymore.
Patience is a virtue, they say! I used to have virtues, but they are buried under the rubble of a misspent middle age.
Every day is a quagmire of dung patties through which I bravely navigate. Others suddenly can’t understand why you are no longer the doormat. Crazy Cow always starts off as a doormat. You have to pay your dues.
Then you become the pillar of support that keeps the walls up.
Do you see how you’ve gone up in life? Then there comes a time when you begin to feel worn out and unappreciated. If you have even half a brain cell left at this stage, you should have an epiphany. An illuminating moment of such magnitude as reported by dudes in the Bible. You will see the light. This is where the real trouble starts.
When you decide to recreate yourself in your own image, be prepared for resistance.
I think I’m getting the hang of it because I have some tips to share, which might help others.
Firstly, it helps to know if you are Crazy Cow material.
People avoid you and give you strange looks.
People you know scream at you and call you a crazy cow.
You feel like crying a lot because you don’t understand why no one likes you anymore, or they only pretend to. This is part of the CC’s faulty imagination mechanism.
Okay, all of the above happens because you no longer fit the mold that others made for you, or you have shattered the pedestals upon which the accusers used to recline while you adored them. Or both.
Once you are a registered CC (Crazy Cow), there are some rules you have to live by.
If you’re going to cause a scene, always make sure there is a worthy audience.
Take a stand, the days of timidly jumping on soapboxes is over. As a CC, your voice no longer has the whine factor. There is no longer a tag that reads nag, bag, or hag.
Don’t take a No for an answer unless you’re the person saying no.
Never forget that you have paid your dues.
Don’t regret the fact that you didn’t keep a ledger for all the years you cooked, cleaned, nursed, drove car pool, worked a job, and wore frumpy clothes. You know the score, and that’s all that counts.
Sleep a lot more, this is to make up for all the sleepless nights you suffered for various reasons which no one else remembers except you.
Now is the time to take stock of your body. I often have to take an inventory to make sure which parts are working and which are on standby. Part of why you became a CC is because you didn’t pamper your body enough.
You didn’t listen when it nudged you to eat properly and exercise regularly. Who had time for that when you were too busy bleeding from the heart and other places, when even your tears tasted like blood and sweat?
Long candlelit soaking baths foaming with fragrant exotic aromas is what you deserve.
Delight your taste buds with fresh foods eaten at a snail’s pace. Remember when you gave all the goodness to others, now it is your turn. Put your calloused, cracked heels up as you sip your Mojito, while the sunset creaks to a close on another day of dubious delights and forlorn longings.
Make an appointment for that pedicure.
As you will notice, your detractors are seething by now. How dare you love yourself, how dare you ignore their neediness and their petty pity parties! Woman, you were born to nurture, don’t forget to nurture yourself.
As a CC, you can have as much fun as you want to without feeling guilty or under obligation. Throw obligation out the window and duty out the door. You have a banner under which to dance naked in the moonlight, because that is what Crazy Cows do! You don’t need signs from the Universe. Just follow the signs that say Free Buffet and Bar Open.
My idea of happy hour now is an afternoon nap.
So what? I’m dancing to my own tune. Sometimes it’s a samba, other time’s it’s a slow waltz to Nowheresville.
Jenny Gomes is a woman who has overcome many difficulties in life, and through it all has vowed to uplift all women, to encourage, support and inspire them to stand tall and strong. She does this mainly through social media platforms, and also privately in local areas where she resides in South Africa. She uses humor as a means to convey truth and make it lighthearted, while not denying how harsh life can be. She is currently writing a book about growing up in apartheid South Africa, where as a child she feels she learned so much compassion and humility growing up with an African nanny. “I am a better person for having grown up here,” she says.