What Is This Energy That Pulls us Back from Fully Surrendering?
There are ways that it’s easy, comfortable even, to produce and create and put things out in the world. There are ways we like to express itself and ways we do not.
We are trained how to share our gifts. We are taught how to do this from a very young age. Our creative drives were evaluated as performance or against standards that have nothing to do with genius that flows from essence.
This is the way of the wound of separation. This soul wound is transmitted down through our human lineage. We learn to separate, often for survival and belonging, from our own essence, which distorts our relationship with our own life force energy in a wide variety of ways. That life force energy is also further distorted through the matrix of a world we have created, which is like a snake that keeps eating its tail.
Breaking free of the trauma trance, healing this wound of separation with our truest inner self, our soul, can feel like an act of sheer will when we have been trained that the truths or wisdom or creations that come from there make others uncomfortable or shake things up too much or offer things the world isn’t ready for or are too intense or coloring far outside the line.
There is also an intense pressure to innovate and perform, to come up with the best thing and be the leader and the expert, while staying in your box.
This is trauma, even if we do not want to call it that. It’s too much for our little systems to handle, so we just go with it. As children, we have little power to do much else, so these defenses have a divine intelligence to them we must return to for restoration of our sanity.
Neglect of the essence of self, the heart and soul of a being — that is a developmental trauma that, when endured, makes one begin to feel scarcity within. Does this soul, this energy have a right to exist? Is it safe for me to actually take up space here? What’s wrong with me? Am I enough?
What happens when all the things within our experience aren’t reflected as lovable? What happens to our magic when it’s wrapped up in wounding and we are trying to move into our soul, to create from that very magical space that is also the source of what seems the hardest?
When we pick up the paintbrush or open the blank page or heart-storm from the depths of our being and move towards bringing it to form, we panic or freeze or fight with ourselves or down it, the energy we’ve internalized, this archetypal death mother that has never nurtured our deepest essence, emerges. We think it is fear we must battle, but oh, it is much deeper than that.
This is the energy that lends itself to the addictive search for validation and comfort and soothing, a search for some kind of mother or source that will tell us that it’s okay. That our soul is okay. That what we have to say is okay. That we are okay to be here. And, no one can give that to us in the way we deeply want.
We are tasked with repairing this bridge between soul and world. Repairing our relationship with trusting the source of life flowing through us, healing the inner mother and father, for they are the ones tasked with caring for the wise, magical child. It is not our inner child alone we must tend to.
It is not so easy to just love ourselves, instead of being hard on ourselves, if we do not look at what it is happening inside of us that is being hard on us. If it was that easy, we wouldn’t even be having these conversations.
What is that archetypal energy flowing through that keeps pulling us back from fully surrendering to the flow of the soul? What is this energy that hinders creativity, but also fuels the cruel nature of competition and comparison and jealousy and manipulation of power and control rampant in our digital age?
It’s essential to speak about these things. For our sanity. For the soul of the world. To repair the chasm that is this wound of separation within. This is the work of individuating in these modern times. This is becoming sovereign.
No matter how much light we paint around it, it’s also the hardest work to listen to the soul, to become the loving mother and father to the traumatized aspects of self we subconsciously punish, to make choices that will shift the tides, to grapple with the inner death mother and write and create and share and paint and sing and dance anyway.
To keep leaning in, with an utterly drunk devotion to your own divinity no matter what.
It is here we find compassion, tenderness, strength, equality in feminine and masculine, for that is all the soul is and ever wants. But, it will demand all of you in return. For, truly, as Rumi writes, What you seek is seeking you, but we must leave the familiar shores behind, enter the forest, meet who and what is there, and return over and over again.
This is spring. May we rise in song and word and truth and above all else, a tender love for all we have survived. Especially for surviving ourselves.
Dr. Nandi Hetenyi is a psychospiritual healer, soul mentor and writer. She has carved out her own path based on 20+ years of clinical experience and an equal amount of time studying and practicing Buddhism, yoga, meditation, shamanic healing, ritual and energy healing. After recovering herself from addiction and experiencing an awakening to her soul, she fused her knowledge of psychology and trauma with both her studied and lived experience of shamanic and Buddhist healing modalities, creating an innovative approach to healing the soul wound at the root of so much addiction, shame and ongoing trauma. You can follow Dr. Hetenyi on Instagram and find out more about her work on her website.