you and me

Feelings Are Multi-Layered, Even for a Blue Heart.

I have a blue heart.

You know how guys get blue balls? A guy gets so turned on and then isn’t able to come? To not express that pleasure creates excruciating pain. Bottling up desire and pleasure literally causes a medical complication.

It’s a similar concept with a blue heart, except in my case it’s an acute condition that I’ve numbed myself from. I start to fall for a guy and my fears leave me paralyzed. Without the pain, I find myself perpetuating the very same habit that gets me friend-zoned. Every single time. But this disappointment is also infused with relief, and I preferred it over being emotionally vulnerable.

This time it’s different. He’s different. I’ve never liked a guy and thought I wanna know what it’s like to be loved by you. When he asked me where his future girlfriend’s dresser should be, my heart ached. In this emotionally deficient, lazy-ass world, where it’s become ambitious to find a fuck-boy, here he is furnishing for a future relationship.

I want to answer his question as more than a neighbor and someone special in his life. I wanna tell him where I want my dresser to go.

For a bitch who runs her mouth about everything, I keep my trap shut about my feelings. I’ve been so aggressively hush-hush that my throat chakra has been known to shut down and I used to end up with laryngitis. But I wasn’t scared of being silenced this time. My greatest fear now is to not know what it’s like to be loved by him.

I feel like every other guy was practice for this one. To practice expressing myself to because the day was going to come when I can’t not share how I feel, but no one else was important enough to overcome my fears for. Now I feel so unprepared, exposed, invisible, seen, sidelined, romanced, hopeful, platonic, rushed, and premature, all at the time same. Then there are moments when he smiles and my heart melts.

I’m reminded of why it’s important to feel.

I’m a 35-year-old human who’s newly initiated into the immersive world of feelings and emotional depth. I spent most of my life cultivating a carefully crafted, semi-functional life as devoid of feelings as possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on, but as the voraciously curious person I am, I often imagined what emotional life would be like.

Conceptually I suspected that life would be multi-dimensional, and a single event would be experienced in a multitude of ways. I thought that meant I’d know more on a visceral level.

I was surprised to discover that feelings are so multi-layered and can even be an elaborate weave-work of concealed truths. I thought hiding from feelings was a practice that belonged to the emotionally numb. As it turns out it’s a human-y thing, and emotional mastery can lead to burying your feelings. The cerebral process just makes it easier to organize your efforts and track the bullshit.

The emotional world is messy and raw and exposed. Uncertainty is the loudest presence of all, and I’m still trying to figure out if that’s a curse or a beautiful mess. Maybe curses are beautiful things made messy by our doubts and fears. Maybe not seeing a fated outcome is evidence that we’re designing our future, and it isn’t until we take those steps that we can taste what’s to come.

Maybe our outcomes are born through our deeply felt desires.

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Jaymie Yang is a shapeshifter of reality and a badass energy bitch who feels everything, aka an empath. She has a provoking quality that activates your deepest fears, so you can transmute them. Being a nonconformist herself, her passion is to support other wildly untraditional women and navigate them in designing the life of their dreams. She’s a Mindset Coach and a Harmonizing Energy Healer. She hosts workshops and facilitates women who are exploding with brilliant ideas to streamline them in soulfully strategic ways.

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