And Then There Was Nowhere Left to Hide.
Most of what happens on this planet is a lie, but vibrations do not lie.
Feeling the purest, cleanest, clearest, strongest life force coursing through your chakras, speaking to it, soothing it, calming it, making slow, sweet love to it over and over and over again until you master it and it serves you with peace at will, vibrant health in an instant, knowing your own power, holding the fountain of youth at your fingertips, getting younger every day, but in truth, having no idea why you are here except to be fertilizer for a planet desperately trying to grow love…
It is a lot, perhaps a pointless lot.
I’ve used every single drug on this planet to hide from this nothingness.
Codependency, sex, alcohol, food, service to others, busyiness, technology, television, hating myself, hating others, being a victim to you, anger at the system, advocacy, reading, writing, spirituality, teaching, learning, so many heroin needles to pick from, crack pipes everywhere.
Existing in the normalization of pain, abuse and suffering, never knowing our personal truth, not facing the enormity of our power, resisting our ability to create Heaven on Earth is a challenge I am not sure can be overcome.
When my Earthly Guide said, “Learn to live in the stillness or this will be painful for you,” I heard the words. Their meaning is, I now know, oh-so-elusive.
Seeing the planet with such immense clarity is painful, especially when there is no longer anywhere left to hide.
I’ve tried so hard to hide. It’s just not an option anymore.
I want so badly to go back to the sleeping world, but the vibration of truth, of life, of love, will not be denied.
I went back to the man who loved me the best anyone has ever has ever loved me. He lets me be me completely.
In choosing him, I choose me in all my brilliant, vibrant, life force energy. I can be a complete orgasmic expression of God with this man. Nothing I do or say is crazy. He is instead honored that I choose him, in awe of my power.
He allows me in every way.
He sees me fully. He accepts me completely, yet he cannot see himself at all, cannot accept himself.
I am his drug.
If I stay, he will be mine.
When I lie next to him, there is no vibration. He uses me to hide from himself.
When I lie next to him, I feel denial decomposing his living body.
When I lie next to him, my fingertips start to go numb as death creeps across the sheets and begins to slowly, subtly, devour my life force energy.
I could easily get lost in this man, dying with him a little more everyday as he strokes my hair, kisses my lips, makes love to me, and tells me how incredible I am.
If only.
If only vibrations lied, then I could live in this world. Oblivious, pretending to be happy like everyone else.
If only God didn’t speak to me with life force energy.
Shut up, God, seriously.
I want to go to sleep.
Just fucking leave me alone.
Please just let me be like everyone else.
Stop showing me the truth. Just let me turn a blind eye.
Yet here I sit, with nowhere left to hide.
The only truth in the sweet juice of a mango trickling down my chin.
The only truth in the vibrant purr of my kitty snuggled into my chest.
The only truth of a perfect petal reaching out to the rising sun.
The only truth of God moving through me in dance.
The only truth of watching my children sleep in peace knowing our love healed the nightmare of days gone by.
The only truth of my heart creating immortal words on the screen through my tears.
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Christie Del Vesco is a College Administrator and Professor, a Universalist Minister, a member of the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau and single mom. She’s a survivor, a thriver, a seeker, a rebel and a teacher. Chris is a firm believer that we go through what we do, to help others when they go through the same. She also believes if we would all just “be the change,” we can change the world. You can find more of Chris’ writings on Facebook, and more information on her courses, workshops, support groups and community offerings can be found here.
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