Alcohol and Him: The Cause of Our Misery and Anguish.
I am a survivor. Neglected and rejected, abused and used, yet I am here. I am still here. I made it through the dark and into the light.
It was my dark — mine, all mine. Wisps of sunshine struggling to push their way through the blackness but never quite making it.
There were many times when I would just give up and retreat into my shell. Then there were also those times when I would walk tall and smile — a smile only for the benefit of others. The pain inside continued to exist and grow day by day. You may well wonder what I’m talking about.
I lived and breathed hell on earth. It was only my children who got me through each day. They are the reason I persevered and still carry on with my life today. My today is a happy today. It is a far cry from my yesterdays.
I got tired of people telling me that I should do something, like it was my fault. They didn’t understand that you can’t just put a stop to it.
But then again, no one knows what really goes on behind closed doors. I was the one who shut the door behind me every time and entered my hell. I was the one who lived there. Not you. Not anyone else. Just me and my babies and Him.
Him — the ultimate cause of our misery and anguish. The nightmare that we endured while doing our best to live normal lives was the world we lived in and created by Him. There was no escape. No, hang on, there was an escape. All I had to do was walk away. Simple! Only, not so simple at all.
“Walk away and leave Him,” said the voice in my head.
“Oh, but how can I? What will people say?” came the reply from another voice.
What will people say? What will they say? Yes, I was terrified of pointed fingers and whispering friends and relatives. Yet surely they would want me to be happy, wouldn’t they? Wouldn’t they? If they really cared about me and my children, would it really matter that I had walked?
Yes, it would matter. Because some things never change. Some people never change. Some attitudes and opinions never change. I was condemned, and thus it continued.
Now you need to know who Him is. He is, or rather was, my husband. The man I married and bequeathed my life to. Gentle as a lamb he was. Simply the best, as Tina Turner would say. His love was total and complete, and he radiated warmth and happiness. He came into my life and brought joy and happiness with him. It was so easy to love him.
Alas, it wasn’t to last. The monster inside Him was awakened, but I won’t blame him totally. The illness that turned him is not recognizable as an illness by all. Or rather, people are just not willing to acknowledge or admit that it is an illness. But I know that it is. I know because I lived it day in, day out. It’s the disease otherwise known as alcoholism.
For Him, it was his downfall and eventually his demise. It took hold and had no intention of letting go.
The Him that I had married was no longer Him. He had vanished and somehow morphed into the beast that had no qualms about destroying the very family he had once lived for. He knew no different. He was not present. He had been replaced. The alcohol gave him no time to think, to choose what to do or to be himself.
For those who believe that it is a choice, I beg to differ. It is not a choice. Yes, one can choose to embark on that journey, but once that journey begins, it ceases to be a choice. Lucky are those who find the strength to quit, and I have the greatest admiration for you.
He did quit too. A few months here and a few months there, but I spent each day looking over my shoulder. That one drink and it would be over… again. Inevitably it was. Alcohol ruined my family. It led my children up undesirable paths because they couldn’t bear the thought of being at home. It robbed me of the laughter and sunshine that I once knew. It took the life of the man I loved.
Alcohol is evil in my books. It is unforgiving and wretched. To drink is fine, but know your limits and always think about the people you love and who love you. Don’t let alcohol ruin your life as it did mine.
Indira Mahun was born in India but grew up in the UK. She had a colorful childhood and faced many challenges in her personal life, especially during the married years. Her children are her absolute life, as is her beautifully gorgeous grand-daughter who makes everything okay. Indira is a teacher, and loves the job and the satisfaction it brings. There’s nothing like the grin on a child’s face when they open their exam results. Indira has been divorced and widowed, and is now in a happy relationship. She will devour books, and is known to have read 11-12 books a week whilst on holiday. She also loves to write, and her ambition is to have her novel published one day. Indira also enjoys traveling and seeing the world, and has been lucky to have visited many places. Her motto is ‘live and let live’.