Forgive Yourself for Your Past, and Love Yourself.
I am changing. It feels irritating and comforting at once.
I imagine my spirit sliding along the passages of life like a great, wise serpent, intent on shedding what is no longer useful. While I know it is necessary to my growth, even my survival, it still feels as if I am leaving a vital part of myself behind.
Those parts were vital and useful to me at one point, but they only served to get me here, and if here is not where I want to be, then those parts didn’t serve my best interest.
I must remind myself consciously that to shed, to change, is in my best interest, and that if I aim to trust the Universe to act in my best interest, I sure as hell better make sure I don’t get caught sleeping on myself.
Change is welcome. When I began working with the cosmos, instead of against it, I realized the power in my choices. I also realized the effect they had not only on my own life, but on the lives of those I cared about. There is a great guilt when you want a better life for your children and then see how deep in your selfish decisions you’ve put everyone.
How much you self-flagellate is your choice, but it can tend to get out of one’s control. Being the head of a household is not without its rewards, but it is a constant stress if you’re unable to finesse it just so.
Newness is thrilling. I crave it like water, and have at times created it at inappropriate times in inappropriate ways, all in the name of love for myself and others, when it was not really love, it was still fear and panic from my childhood.
40 years of changing simply to change, with no focus, seldom with strong intention, have put my two teenagers and me in a very tight, restrictive, is-that-a-light-or-a-freight-train kind of spot. I am ready for freedom. Why have I worked against myself and my truth?
I am learning now that it is because there are vital, constructive parts of me that I have relied on others to shape and nourish… or destroy. When things went bad, I would chase whoever it was to beg them to please please please want/decide/need to stay with me because I didn’t know how to shape and nourish myself… only, I didn’t include the last part.
That was something my subconscious was keeping from me and my loved ones both.
Forgiveness is healing. In our childhood, when we committed sins against our guardians, if they were not attuned to our emotional or physical needs as their children and abused their authority and power, our ego, our logical mind, began to fulfill the need for that protection and security we were not receiving from our outer environment.
And oh, how tragic that is, when we unconsciously succumb to the fear of lack enforced by others. In pursuit of safety, we subject ourselves to the very thing we fear. It is a fine high-wire walk, between security and peril.
When we forgive ourselves for just doing what we instinctively felt we needed to do to survive, it becomes a little easier to take the first step to starving your fears and reclaiming your power to choose. One day you wake up from a lifetime of reaction to fear, and your chains are preventing you from living the life that hearkens from your heart-space.
Freedom is calling. The keys to those chains are available to you, within your reach. Grasp and protect your commitment to your truth and good ol’ willingness to change. Even if you are not yet sure what it is, or where to find it, if you are committed to honoring her, the little birdie that is your truth will meet you halfway and sing louder and louder the closer you get to joining.
Your heart will open more and more, becoming able to accept and love yourself, and therefore others. Her music will fill your days with joy and cheer, which you will spread by living your commitment to her. Sometimes it is easier to separate in order to join.
By imagining my truth, happiness, and love for myself as a little, living being that needs safety, security, stability, and spirituality, my tendency to be codependent becomes a healthy relationship with myself instead of a hindrance to my growth. I am now responsible for the well-being of myself, no one else is. I choose faith, hope, and love.
Flight is exhilarating. My little birdie and I are becoming more and more adventurous as we get to know each other better, and she is just the most breathtaking, beautiful little spirit I’ve ever met.
Wendy Simms is a novice writer who lives in Northern Virginia with her children and her pets. She is a licensed massage therapist, reiki master, and clairsentient tarot and oracle diviner. She dreams of traveling the world, seeing all the art, and meeting diverse, kind people. She works toward creating spaces for community fellowship and positive change. You could contact Wendy via email for readings and partnerships.