My Journey: Fear Prevents Us from Feeling Love.
Let me tell you a true story. One that happened to me.
Why tell you this story? I tell it so that maybe, like me, you will learn that we should always risk everything for love. Because sometimes, love is never a risk. We just think and believe that it is.
Maybe this story could be a love story. Once, I even I called it a tragedy. But now I know it was a lesson. A lesson of how not to be. All things happen for a reason, and the reason this happened was so I could learn how not to make the same mistakes again.
So I could learn the lesson. That being a martyr can never be a love story.
When I was a young girl, of only 18 or so, I had a friend. And he and I were very close. In fact, we did everything together. We laughed and we played, and did all the things that friends did. The only problem was, he had a girlfriend. And I had fallen in love with him.
But I never told him this, and I never knew if he ever felt the same way. Because of course, that would not be right to tell him of my feelings, for he was taken, and I never realized that sometimes the rules do not apply.
I was so in love with this man that my heart would break daily, so eventually I had to make the decision to cut off our friendship, so I could step out of that space, and make peace with my heart once again. So without telling him how I felt, I packed up my belongings, and put them into my car, and I drove away. Without saying goodbye. I moved to another town and started my life all over again.
In time, the pain of my broken heart subsided and I met another man, who was never going to be the right man for me, for I had never healed and was living lost and broken, and therefore I drew that exact energy back to me.
But despite this, we stayed together, as people do, and eventually we moved to the town I used to live in and settled down to build lives together, that rested on unsure foundations that would never stand the test of time.
It only took two weeks of living back in my old town for me to run into my old friend again. And this time our roles were reversed. He was single and I was the one who was taken. Not one single feeling or emotion had changed, and we went right back to being best friends once again.
I was still so in love with him, even though two years had passed, and being a very traditional type of girl, I made the hard decision to leave my current partner so maybe we could be together and share our lives this time. Still though, not one word had been spoken about my love, and not one touch exchanged.
But I was willing to take a risk on our love, and so like the Fool, off I stepped into the abyss, and was fully ready to open my heart and to love him once again.
My friend though, once he learned of what I had done, the fact I was now single, made the decision he wouldn’t see me. He wouldn’t return my calls, or answer the door when I knocked upon it one day. I never found out why he did that. I was heartbroken, and wondered how I could have ever got it so horribly wrong. He did not care. He did not love me.
Then I did the one thing we should all never do. In my state of rejection, my state of brokenheartedness, I went back to the man I never loved, so I could hide from my pain and not have to feel again. I ran away. I was completely unable to sit with what had just happened. To give it space. Space to seek the truth. Instead I hid away from the feelings I could not face and tried to fill my cup from an empty well.
The week that I returned to the man I did not love, my fate was sealed, or so I mistakenly thought it was. Because I became pregnant, and being the traditional girl that I am, I resolved to accept my life and build the family I always dreamt of, making the best of the cards I believed fate had handed me. But now I know fate had no hand in these matters, it was I who dealt the cards I held in my hand.
I could have reorganized that hand at any time, but I was unable to see that.
Now, that could be the end of this story. But another chapter was yet to be played out. When my beautiful baby daughter was born, the man asked me to marry him, and being the traditionalist that I am, I said yes. So a big wedding was planned, and almost 100 guests were invited, limousines were hired, and fancy flowers were made for my hair.
Then came the fateful morning, the day before the wedding, the day that letter arrived in my mail box. Just in the nick of time.
It was a letter from my best friend. The boy, who was now a man, the one I had always loved. In that letter, he begged me not to marry the father of my child and confessed that he had always loved me. That I was actually the love of his life.
I remember standing there and looking at my 4-week-old daughter and all the wedding preparations that were going on all around me. My mind rushed through all the events of the past years, and how I had been deceived by how things appeared to be. How I had looked at every situation, and been so unable to discern the truth behind what I was presented with.
I was so angry. So angry at him and why neither of us shared any sooner.
I thought I couldn’t do it. It was just too hard. I could not let all these people down. I could not break hearts. But I could break my own. For had it not been broken so many times in the past? This heart-breaking territory, it was a place I knew like the back of my hand.
So I sacrificed the love I felt, to do what I thought was right. For my child, for my partner, for all my family who had paid for a wedding.
I took the road of the martyr.
I lived with the man I married for 22 years, until I decided to leave him at age 44. In all those 22 years, I never saw my old best friend once, but it only took 6 months of being single for our paths to cross once again. I saw him from behind, down the end of the supermarket isle, and I knew instantly that it was him even though he had his back to me. Even though I had not set eyes on him for 22 years.
I rushed to this man and tapped him on the shoulder, even though I believed I was being crazy and that there was no way this was him. The man turned around, and it was him. Once again, our eyes met, best friends, looking upon each other once again.
The years melted away, and I knew without a doubt that we both felt the same way. He asked me how my husband was, and I told him I had left him, but it was then that I learnt that he was with someone again and they had an 8-year-old daughter together.
I ran into him again at that supermarket two more times, and on the last time, he sat in his car and stared at me for what seemed a lifetime, and my heart spoke to me directly. It told me that in that moment he was making a decision. And that if he made the decision to leave, our paths would never cross again.
Now that another five years have passed since I last saw him, I finally realize that his soul taught me a great lesson, and that our connection was never meant to be a love story. The truth of the matter is that from him I have learnt not to run away, and that if you feel love for someone, don’t be afraid to speak up, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Be humble and be brave.
After all, what’s the worse that can happen? You may be hurt, it may sting for a while. But hearts heal, and is it not often said that it is better to love and lose than never love at all? I think so! Love is the highest energy of all, and one we should never be afraid of jumping into.
For the opposite of love is not hate, it is fear. Fear prevents us from feeling love.
I also learnt that everything that occurred happened for a reason, even if those reasons remained hidden to me for years, and in that way there were no mistakes. There never is.
Kim Turfrey is a mother and lover of life who lives in New Zealand and has spent a lifetime working with plants as well as Earth and Spiritual energies in order to find healing for herself and others. Being born with the gift of disability has enabled her to see the world through different eyes, and develop a deep love and gratitude for life. She works with people all around the world through the vehicle of her business Confirmations of Self, and empowers them with sets of tools that enable them to identify and move through the current and future challenges they face in the unification process. If you would like to contact Kim for enquiries about this work, you can get hold of her via email.