Stuff Always Being Happy, I’m Just Gonna Do Me!
Can any of us really be happy all the time?
I can’t be.
Inside is a little girl that is screaming to be heard. She’s not happy. She thinks this life sucks. She doesn’t want to push those feelings aside. She doesn’t want to put on a brave face in order to face this world. She doesn’t think life is beautiful and filled with rainbows. Her world today is black and stormy, and lightning and thunder streak across her skies.
She just wants to be heard.
Why do we do this? Why can’t we all live our lives honestly honoring how we all feel moment to moment. If we feel our own personal darkness, does that mean that we are not spiritual, that we don’t have high vibrations, that we are all Debbie Downers?
This is what the movement of fast food spirituality has done to us all. It’s fed us the lie that we must keep our vibrations high, be happy, be fulfilled, all of the time. We should be out there achieving this and that and living our best lives. We are shown gurus on mountain tops, who live in absolute peace, removed from the norm of life, and handle all things with grace and ease.
Well, I say, stuff that! I found that mountain top, but I didn’t get to stay there, the air is way too hard to breathe. I get periods of being there, but then I always descend back into the valley again. And right now, I’m saying, I call that balance, and I’m calling that… real life!
I’m sometimes spiritual, and sometimes I sit in high vibrations too, but sometimes I don’t. And I want that to be okay. I want that to be okay with me, with you, and with all of us.
Sometimes I love to be surrounded in people, and sometimes I love to be alone. Actually, scratch that, I love to be alone a lot of the time. And that should be okay too. And when I’m alone, I’m not lonely, I’m not isolated. I’m trying to find the real authentic me!
The me who can’t stand another input from one more goddamned source. Everything that comes my way, from social media, the internet, the television. All the input, I don’t want it! Telling me how to think, how to feel, how to look. Where the hell am I amongst all this?
I’m lost, I’m broken, and it’s mainly because I’ve forgotten who I truly am. I don’t need some guru on a mountain top, who never feels like crap, to tell me how to live my best life. I want to see a sacred spiritual life lived in practice. Right here, in this body, in this life. Right here on Papatuanuku. I don’t need a guru. I need me! The only answer I need is the one I find inside myself.
I just need to unplug in order to find that truth, in order to hear those silent words that exist within me.
I live a sacred spiritual life. And it’s not on top of some goddamned mountain top. It’s right here. On Papatuanuku, our great Earth Mother. It’s joyous and loving and beautiful, but it’s also messy and dark and filled with pain. And I love that. I freaking love that. I honor the dark and the light within me. Because it is me.
And I won’t spend one more hour not allowing myself to go into those dark places that reside within me. To feel those feelings so deeply that tell me, “You are not good enough, no one likes you, people think you are stupid.”
And the reason I go there? It’s so I can acknowledge the broken parts of myself. So I can connect with that little girl who lives inside of me. That little girl who never got a chance to heal because she was so busy trying to be somebody. So I can hear her. So I can love her. So I can hug her and tell her, “It’s all okay. I love you. I love you. You don’t need to be somebody. You already are. You are Kim.”
And that is enough.
It simply just is enough.
With the act of allowing ourselves to feel these things, we provide the wind that blows those dark clouds away to let the sun shine through. The rain falls, and that bad weather passes. That rain nourishes our hearts and souls and enables growth. Just as rain helps plants grow.
If I push those dark feelings aside, because I am supposed to be happy, I miss that moment to grow, to be happy. To heal.
So goddamn it. I own how I feel right now. I feel like crap. I feel like I’m never going to live my best life. Right now I feel like I’m never going to find a loving partner who wants to share this beautiful life with me. And look, through expressing how I really feel, the door opens a crack and the light peaks through, I just used the word beautiful! The irony makes me smile.
By owning fully who I am moment to moment, dark and light, I do shine. I shine. I am right here. I am being heard. I am authentic. I am me.
Hallelujah to that!
P.S. Don’t read this again. Go find your own beautiful answers!
Kim Turfrey is a mother and lover of life who lives in New Zealand and has spent a lifetime working with plants as well as Earth and Spiritual energies in order to find healing for herself and others. Being born with the gift of disability has enabled her to see the world through different eyes, and develop a deep love and gratitude for life. She works with people all around the world through the vehicle of her business Confirmations of Self, and empowers them with sets of tools that enable them to identify and move through the current and future challenges they face in the unification process. If you would like to contact Kim for enquiries about this work, you can get hold of her via email or Facebook.