We Awakened Something Within One Another.
Divorce. It should no longer be that taboo word that makes people turn south and run, but it still is, at least it was for me.
I became the woman in my small town plastered with the letter F, for failure, or maybe it was R for run away as fast as you can, while my ex gallivanted around town with his girlfriend, though we were still very much married, both of them being accepted and celebrated.
This time in my life was by far harder and more isolating than I ever could have imagined. Our small town was seriously small, everyone knew one another. If you painted the numbers on your mailbox with a new paint color, believe me when I say everyone would know and would be talking about it, and possibly how the color clashed with the pansies in your garden.
So imagine how they perceived the ending of a family.
My only chance of survival was getting out as quickly as I could and start over. I had to separate myself from the whispers and pointed fingers that were not only directed at me, but also at my three kids.
I needed a makeover. I needed to find and become the woman I was born to be. I had been isolated for so long that I didn’t know my front from my back. I just was, existing as a shell of a woman who had for years been unseen.
Then, after moving away, and starting a new life, I met him…
Below me, 15 stories down, the lights were just starting to go on as darkness was setting in. I looked out the window too nervous to look behind me for what was to come. Then he is there behind me, wrapping his arms around me, touching me in ways I hadn’t been touched in far too long.
At that moment I decided to let go of thought and give in to that ache that was residing in me screaming to come out. I turned toward him and let my lips meet his. They were soft and unfamiliar, but warm and inviting. I accepted the invitation.
His arms wrapped tightly around me. My left leg instinctively wrapped around his body. It all happened so fast. He placed his hands under me and lifted me up off the floor, my other leg wrapping itself around him. He effortlessly carried me to the bed and laid me down. I was his for the taking. He was mine for the receiving.
My short black dress was lifted just enough for him to kiss me at the edge of my pale blue lace underwear. His lips teased me. I managed to get one sandal off as he pulled my underwear aside to kiss my flesh, warm and tender. Unfamiliar sensations ran down my spine, up my legs, to every nerve of my being.
In front of us I am unaware of the setting sun, but it must be happening. I am oblivious to the sights and sounds around me, only aware of what is happening at that moment on that bed.
He comes towards me and I accept him into my body as if I had been expecting him for some time. I open myself up to him and allow him to penetrate a part of my soul that had been led to this exact place and time.
I am overcome with an indescribable need to move. It is beyond my control yet so fully in my control. I do it with ease. A buried and ancient part of me comes alive and I am being reborn at that moment: the push and pull, the thrusts of passion, the gentleness of delight. He has become a part of me. It is undeniable.
He is gentle and protective. As I look into his eyes, I see a familiarity calling to me. He is calling to me. I wrap my legs around him, bringing him deeper into me. I feel him. I hear him. I can’t stop looking into his eyes, deep within. He’s there fully with me.
Our bodies have somehow done a 180. We are navigators on a journey finding our way through each other’s bodies. Time feels as if it stands still but still moves with us. In one swift movement I am looking down at him. I wonder, at that moment, what he is thinking.
The earth continues to spin as do we. We are in a cycle, moving through space and time, lost in each other’s bodies. He is me and I am him. After what feels timeless, our bodies release to one another. It is dark now, but in the shimmer of his eyes I could still see, and he was looking in on my eyes, seeing me.
These eyes though didn’t see me for long. This revolutionary relationship didn’t last long. I believe that my intense energy of being and expression, that had for years been buried deep within, was too much for him.
On a soul level, I think we both awakened something within one another. For him, I think it was something he wasn’t ready for. For me though, it made me realize all I had been missing and what I do want in my life.
I’m single now, gliding down the sometimes treacherous waters. Sometimes I stop and rest and contemplate the view, but for the most part I keep going, wondering when that person, who is meant for me, makes eye contact, and we both know and trust that we are ready for one another.
Rebecca Mckown is a woman on a mission. She has spent most of her 45 years living silently without making waves. After a difficult and heart-rending divorce, she decided to come out of her shell and live in her full truth, which includes all the guts of her soul — the feelings, the vulnerabilities, the triumphs, and failures. Nothing is off limits, because through her truth she heals, and possibly can open up a similar portal of healing in others. Rebecca is also a writer and an Intuitive Counselor. She believes in love and letting go, a dichotomous relationship of hope and healing. Rebecca can be found at her website or Instagram.