I Will No Longer Let Behavioral Patterns Deceive Me.
I remember when I was seven, coming home from school, and my older sister laughing at the outfit I had chosen for that day.
It would seem my choice in patterns of flowers and plaid didn’t really fit into the social construct of fashion in the 80’s.
I remember loving it though. I loved the contrast of the light pink shirt against the dark plaid pants. In fact, I seem to have always had a love of patterns. Even well into my Bachelor’s degree in Fashion Merchandising, I loved creating looks with patterned textiles and fabrics. It wasn’t until I got much older that I understood how closely my love of patterns was translated into my love of patterns in people.
And I got to thinking about how textiles are woven together using the finest quality yarns and threads, and how it takes the right amount of precision to weave the perfect pattern. In relating this to trauma and psychology, I got curious about the threads that weave the patterns of the survivor.
Someone who simply looks at a pattern with indifference will have a completely different experience from that of someone trained in textile work. Just as when someone is raised in a loving environment, they may not notice the things that don’t add up in the behaviors of other people who had a different upbringing.
When we witness consistent trauma woven through the fabric of our lives, we notice when even the smallest thread is out of place. It’s like we are trained by the greatest textile-maker to look for imperfections within the weave in order to course-correct and make adjustments.
I used to think that my attention to patterns was simply my love of repetition and color, and sure that may be a part of it, but perhaps patterns are the only surefire way that I can be clear with someone’s romantic intentions with me. I know that words can be spellbinding and alluring. Words are like the threads, and the spinning of the loom like the behaviors.
To me, if the behaviors are not consistent, then the pattern is off. Not only that, but I also begin to notice where the weave is loose or the threads resemble something akin to what I experienced in childhood.
These seemingly minor snafus could easily be shrugged off by someone untrained in textile-making, but I know quality when I see it. Textiles like that aren’t built to last. They will fall apart after the first wash.
Those kinds of fabrics are best reserved for trendy in-the-moment statements, not a classic design that will last years down the road. Not something you can lovingly pass on to generations to follow. Not something that will grow old with you.
I will no longer wish I did not look for patterns in the way that I do. Yes, I’m aware that sometimes my traumas have misled me, but human behavioral patterns never lie. I will no longer second-guess myself or let the threads of the patterns deceive me. I know what I am looking at. I know what I am looking for.
The patterns that another person weaves in front of me will only be high-quality because anything less simply will not do. I’m not looking for in-the-moment fashion trends, I want quality. Because that is what I have been trained to look for.
Natalie Sophia considers herself a blend of many things, but mostly she identifies as a writer, intuitive guide, mama and yogini. She has a Masters Degree in Complementary and Alternative Medicine, and is working towards a second Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology. Her passion lies in helping others heal from various forms of trauma. Her current methods of practice include a person-centered approach with a focus on attachment theory and a blend of creative expression, movement alchemy, and energy work. She serves as a catalyst to facilitate a person’s natural and Source-given right to heal. To contact her directly, please visit her own little part of the internet on Facebook.