Grounding Myself Through Kundalini Yoga.
I finally did it. I grounded myself properly.
It was at the end of the year that I got in the final fight with myself.
“No, I will not put up with you any longer, I will change your very you. Yes, you!” I said to myself with vigor.
Ever since birth, I could feel I was destined for something incomprehensible.
Doing things, even doing them successfully, did not provide a feedback of satisfaction.
I was born at the beginning of the 70s. Socialism was in full bloom in my country — a big country in the very center of Europe. A fairy tale. A dream. We didn’t know. We terribly wanted to wake up from that dream.
In the dream, everyone was the same. Everyone had equal rights in this society. People lived pretty much equal lives, so there was very little room for negative emotions. When you have the majority of people pretty much satisfied with their everyday life, you don’t have revolutions. And everything flows just perfectly.
Or does it?
Socialism, however, due to lack in evolution of the homo sapiens, did not develop just right. We were the guinea pigs wrapped up in nylon, surrounded by the delights of the capitalist world. We were fragile. We had desires. We wanted what was served to the surrounding countries for pleasure. We thought we had none. No pleasure.
And that made the young generations rebellious.
In their attempt to bring something new to the world totally sucked up by conformity, people like me (read: avant-garde) were condemned, punished and put in the corner.
Individualism was not an option in the quasi-socialist world. What you do is for general good only. That was how they understood socialism. It was much too early for the world to practice socialist values, the human species had not evolved to that point just yet.
Let’s understand each other first (as Che Guevara preferred to say): the socialist values are what common people actually need. It is a natural progressive flow of human evolution.
But, at that time, in the period following the Second World War, conditions were not met yet, people did not understand the greater picture, they did not get distanced from themselves (evolved within themselves) in order to comprehend the general good coming from socialist values, therefore everything got crooked and deviant.
In these conditions, everyone creating something genuine and individual was proclaimed a rebel, working against the general good, destabilizing the society.
The value of the individual became a shadow.
Since it was not allowed to be different (or to make original things), all things different were proclaimed evil and dangerous. The creative minds were sent directly to the underground. You get to create from the abyss. Your words, music, paintings do not get to see the light of the day.
From deep underground, we witnessed history change.
We witnessed the fall of socialism (the false one, anyhow, because if socialism was properly introduced to adequately evolved people, it would have had a completely different effect). At the first attempt to break it down, socialism fell.
Although we were already deep underground and thought we would rise somehow above ground, the ruling forces continued to keep us low.
What about democracy? Oh, yes, there is democracy, you just don’t get to feel it — still the same (if not higher) opportunism for everything new and out of the ordinary. Wait a minute, isn’t this supposed to be a free society, giving full liberties to people? Oh, no, is that what you thought? You have to satisfy the materialist world first! And that world never gets satisfied. Or didn’t you know?
So, we, the creatively maladjusted and different, got even deeper underground!
There was something itchy inside everyone maladjusted. Itching for years, itching since childhood. A need of something, not knowing what it is. Something pushing somewhere and persistent at it. At first, I thought it was just me, going on a personal shift of some kind, making me so restless.
But, no. I could also see the same manifesting in my husband. We are both members of the generations lost in transition. Transition in terms of society — from socialism to capitalism! Where is the evolutionary moment in that? How does one transit from one type of society to another without getting scars?
How does one transit from a supposedly ‘better and much progressive society’ backwards to a ‘materialistic and limiting capitalism’?
If you consider the material aspect, people got transformed, they did. Money transformed some of the people. Money bought them new toys.
Money occupied them. However, the society as a whole did not progress much. It digressed to higher poverty, people got poorer from a material and spiritual aspect.
No transition happened, except inside some people.
The transition was an inside job, not an outside one.
Deep down underground, even deeper now, the avant-garde kept dreaming.
I kept dreaming. But the itch became unbearable. The need to do something greater than yourself in conditions of limited freedom of acting while the soul aches to create. The soul is aware of its origins and wants to go back. Not outside, within.
In order to survive in the mediocre masses, the soul produces words hiding the truths behind. Masking the reality. And it hurt the soul, so it restrained from creating falsely, with perfectly netted veils covering what actually needed to be said.
A day came when it said No to me. Somehow, I knew it shall not produce a single word unless it is on its proper path, flowing disruptively, mind, body and soul.
I was very anxious. Depressed at times. There is an urge inside you and you can do nothing about it. You are keeping it silent in fear of misjudgment, resulting in fierce criticism and deprivation of freedom.
Fear is the worst enemy of creation! Fear results in self-doubt, and when in self-doubt, forget everything else.
At the most critical moment of my life, I got the answers.
And a door opened. Inside.
My husband is to blame. He started looking for something that might bring him answers. He started doing yoga with devotion. He started developing differently in front of my very eyes. So, I said I will give it a try.
Not any type of yoga, but kundalini straight away.
Believe me, I was already crooked the way they explained one gets if awakened improperly.
So, I actually found the means out of crookedness by practicing the very thing that produces such crookedness if not done the right way.
Step by step I started moving out of it, by moving inside. At first, I did not believe anything. After that, I started believing it all up to a point of fear.
Afterwards, I took a pause to check myself properly. My head was open, but my butt was not properly sited on the ground. I was not properly grounded.
And it made me laugh out loud, because I was deep underground and yet I was not grounded.
And this is where Noa Lakshmi got in with her kundalini yoga practice.
My God, it was very difficult for me at first.
I could not endure it, no matter what.
Whenever I started meditating to harmonize with the magnetic field of the Earth, my butt wanted to get up from the ground and just float.
With the head opened, if you are not properly grounded, you are prone to schizophrenia. You are psychotic at the very least. If you are psychotic, you are anxious. When anxiousness wears off, you get depressed, and immediately after that, you get angry, which makes you psychotic, and the cycle never ends.
I am still in the process of development as a human being.
No, not only as a human being, but as a woman first of all.
It’s an inside job. First you have to become a human being, and after that you will become a woman. It’s only natural.
And I love my personal transformation.
I am telling you this because within the years nothing managed to transform me, not the transformations of society, not the transformations of my surroundings, not getting married, not even giving birth to my children, nothing brought me closer to my true self than yoga.
Yoga made me a better wife, mother, friend, writer, thinker, doer, everything.
Kundalini is my life force. Kundalini changed my comprehension of myself and made me a woman.
I am writing this to set an example for everyone who is also floating around in space and not feeling grounded enough.
I thank my husband for opening my eyes to the truth behind me.
I thank Noa Lakshmi for working out with me every day (not knowing it, actually) and for bringing me closer to kundalini.
I thank myself for managing myself.
After many days of practice, I managed to endure throughout the whole grounding practice and complete the meditation to the end, and even making it last a little longer, to find the force that is making you endure, find you strength, your another self — it is much more beautiful and much stronger than you think.
It will deliver miracles to you.
And do it with love. Do it lightly and do it with love.
Gratitude comes naturally in between.
Here is a little song I wrote after not so many days of practice:
I wished there was a device
uploading my most powerful verses
directly on a blank sheet of paper
but whatever is not said through the physical body
is uttered by the higher self
directly to the Universe —
perfect little poetry gongs
resounding throughout the cosmos.
Viola Damjanovski is from Skopje, Macedonia. She writes and translates poetry and short stories, and loves the avant-garde and unordinary. While she was young, Viola used to sing in a goth-psychedelic band (part of the bands consisting the first Macedonian Rock Encyclopedia). She has published short stories and poetry online under a pseudonym, and loves words, music, paintings, and everything out of the ordinary.