you & me

When Hating Paves the Pathway to Healing.

 

I hate this!

The words erupted out of me in a fit of despair and frustration, half growl, half primal scream, as I drove away from the yoga class I would not be able to attend. My stomach was too upset to go an hour without going to the bathroom.

What I heard come out of my mouth next was both horrifying and cathartic: I hate you!

The words emerged from my deepest depths, steeped in pain and anguish. For months I had been struggling with mysterious health issues. My dietary restrictions and my stockpile of supplements and tinctures were increasing exponentially, but nothing was actually helping. My doctor ordered blood work but it all came back either normal or above average.

I turned to an herbalist for help, and she identified the issue as dampness in the body, but we did not know the cause, and the herbal tea I had been drinking for a few weeks was only helping marginally. I still had brain fog and difficulty concentrating and limbs going numb regularly. I was having ongoing digestive issues and water retention as well. For months now I could not wear my normal clothes.

I felt like my body had been hijacked and I could not figure out why. The betrayal I felt by my body kept growing until it finally came out in the car alone that day: I hate you!

Screaming I hate you at myself in the car felt about as far off of a pathway to healing as I could get. The last thing I wanted to do was go back home and lie in bed all day. It no longer felt like self-care, it felt like imprisonment. My body wouldn’t even let me do yoga for an hour. But it was all I could do. Nothing was working. Nothing was changing.

Hate is not a word that frequents my vocabulary, but once I had verbalized it, it actually snowballed into more hate as I judged myself for losing patience, for not being loving to myself, for not keeping a positive attitude. However, at the same time, I felt palpable relief at finally having expressed the truth of how frustrated I was with the situation.

A certain healing was set in motion when I gave up trying to be okay with something I just wasn’t okay with. Something shifted.

Something big shifted. A few days later, I was invited to go camping. I accepted and was excited, but the morning I was to leave I woke to feeling completely exhausted, foggy, and again, with a very upset stomach. It took me a few hours to realize that this was fear. Actually, it was terror.

I am healing from PTSD, which involves trauma from my social circle and social events. This was really the first one since I had done much of my healing work.

I had a decision to make. I had to decide if I needed to honor my body by listening to the fear and not going, or if it would be more healing to push through the fear and go. The big question was, would I be safe, and how could I make sure I would be safe, preferably while still going.

I rallied and took a leap of faith. And it had its good points and bad points, but all in all, I proved to myself I could navigate it and be okay.

But a funny thing happened. On the second morning camping, I noticed that many of my symptoms were gone and my water retention had drastically reduced in just one day. Maybe the problem was not with my body, but my body was alerting me to something in my environment.

After some research and inspection of my place, I found black mold in the bathroom. Suddenly, my trust in my body’s wisdom was restored.

This was a huge breakthrough, but it was actually pointing to a much bigger issue I was working on. Whatever manifests on the physical plane or in the physical body is only reflecting that which exists in the other planes, in our mental, emotional, and spiritual bodies.

Because of the trauma, my being has been confused about what is supportive and what is harmful. My first insight into this came years ago when I was diagnosed with food allergies. I thought I was eating healthily, but because I was eating foods I was allergic to, I was poisoning myself. This dynamic played out in relationships as well. What I knew as supportive, in reality, was abusive.

Now my safe space, my home, had become toxic because of the mold. Again, what I thought was safe and supportive was harming me, it was poisoning me.

This ongoing confusion was at the root of my PTSD. I could not keep myself safe because I could not distinguish what was safe from what was harmful in my world. This then was manifesting in my life as boundary issues, because there is no way to have healthy boundaries when we cannot determine what is toxic to us.

It is fitting that this happened just as we entered Virgo season. The Virgo-Pisces axis of the zodiac is the healing axis — the balance between healing on the earth plane (Virgo) and in the spirit realms (Pisces). As within, so without. Sometimes we work on the spiritual to heal the physical, and sometimes healing the physical heals the spiritual.

Up until now, I could see some pieces of the picture clearly, but I was not truly understanding the whole dynamic. Our path is never linear, our evolution is a spiral. We tend to work through layers of energetic dynamics by revisiting them again and again, but at different levels and in different manifestations.

Before this, I was stuck in a world where toxicity came with support and I had no choice. What was supposed to nourish me also poisoned me. Now I stand on the threshold of a different world, where I can be nurtured and supported without enduring harm. Now I stand on the threshold of a world where I am empowered to get my needs met and still be safe.

This realization is my point of rebirth. On our journey to transformation, our journey to the East, we must go through a process of self-discovery and rewiring.

To truly transform, we must rebuild our belief system to be in alignment with our new awareness of who we are and our new worldview. It is only when we have done this that we are able to reclaim the thrones of our hearts as sovereign rulers of our realms — rulers whole unto ourselves, of both our light and our darkness, and everything in between.

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As an ambassador for consciously creating life, Kasey Ford serves as an advocate of the magic that exists in this life and in each and every one of us. She is a champion of the journey to access our own powerful magic by returning home to ourselves and reclaiming the thrones of our hearts as sovereign rulers of our realms, through practicing the Art of Consciously Creating Life. You could contact Kasey via her website.

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