feminism

5 Steps You Need to Take to Survive a Narcissist.

 

Let me start with the most important and urgent: if you are being harmed and/or if you have kids and the jerk is abusing them, please call the police and get tf out of there.

Now I’ll move to the aim of this article: I dedicate this to you if you are in a narcissistic relationship, and for a while you have felt like you are the crazy one. You’re not, and I am here to offer you the most empowering steps so you can smoothly and spiritually detach and start stepping out with dignity.

The way you treat yourself whilst someone is being cruel to you ensures growth, self-empowerment and integrity. I am here to guide you into becoming whole whilst something is trying to break you into little pieces.

1. Get savvy about the traits of narcissism.

This is the time to get factual. The more you understand the disease, the more you can recognize what is going on around you, the more switched on you are, and the less knee-jerk reactions you have to the situation. Go online and gather the facts. There are books, YouTube videos and Google searches that will give you the knowledge you require. Treat this as a project as it helps you detach from unnecessary fear.

Narcissism is a subtle and very silent disease which can become ugly and abusive. Knowing what you’re dealing with can alter and upgrade your attitude according to the severity of the issue. Just remember that abuse doesn’t need to be a punch in the face. It can be a series of callous remarks, subtle belittling, gaslighting, lying to your face, dismissing your needs, or not keeping eye contact.

I can list more, but each case is different and each narcissist portrays different behaviors. So clear your space and spend an hour or two being an investigator. This first step starts shifting slowly from wound to wisdom.

2. Act like a woman.

Once you have your facts, you need to stand up (you can do it now if you wish so) and gather back your power. That soft, beautiful, delicious, regal power of a wise woman. It is who you are beneath the rubble, I promise you, you just forgot all about her.

Whether you want to just take a strong and solid Wonder Woman stance with your hands on your hips and pretend you have just spun around into a sexy red warrior costume, or you want to just stand with your eyes closed and imagine all the possible white-light semi-naked guardian angels coming your way from all angles — behind you, in front of you and from every corner, that is up to you filling you with majestic empowerment.

It is entirely up to you, but this is the time you need to come back to being you — a woman in effortless power. Remember the narcissist is a little shit trapped in a man’s body. He is there with a little agenda to justify what happened to him and to authorize himself over you. I am not dismissing any of his past pain here, but right now that is none of your business because you are not his nurse.

All I am saying is that you need to act from the woman’s side versus the side of the small wounded child that he is activating in you.

3. Reinvent yourself… through quantum jumping.

This is a big term, I know, but I will simplify.

It’s a little like the technique I mentioned in the previous step, where you pretend to be Wonder Woman. Quantum jumping is a very easy way to envisage a twin or a higher self with the qualities needed to deal with the situation.

Narcissists have this innate ability to belittle, and I promise you it can happen to any woman, so stop beating yourself up. Belittling happens gradually like that frog that’s being slowly boiled to death. It slowly creeps in, but is too soft to hit you hard enough in the face for you to realize that you are dying a soft death under his command.

This is where you are required to merge into a self that has no emotional attachment to what’s going on. One that is savvy, factual, and kinda cool in the chaos. A motherfucker version of you who can easily step out of the boiling water, shake herself off, then hang him off the balcony (please do not do that). You get the gist.

You need to become the wise woman, despite how emotionally ripped you may be feeling right now. That woman who has this je ne sais quoi about her. A solid aura of light that won’t allow any toxicity in. Authoritative, independent, solid in her stance, able to call anybody on their shit with a smile.

A rational, logical, elegant version of you with a core of steel, who can really stand still in any storm without losing her balance or her shit. Non-reactive, in charge of her mind and emotions, stable.

Just make up your own list of qualities that you feel you need that enable you to stand up and catwalk through with your nipples to the front.

Use your imagination, and if you are not familiar with quantum work, then invent and make her up. Ask your inner child to assist you. This is the time to open your mind and heart and do things out of the box. Write a list, design her, reinvent yourself into her, and just become her.

If you have just woken up to the fact that you are slowly being boiled to death, then dealing with it from an old wounded, crushed and emotional self ain’t gonna cut it. In fact, the more wounds you show and the more emotional reactivity there is, the more power you lose and the more he gains. So get on this step pronto, please.

4. Smoothly and spiritually set yourself up.

This is another big phrase, and again I’ll break it down.

Find a space where you can get yourself in as much stillness and stability as you can every morning. This is where it gets all spiritual. Breathing techniques, bodywork, meditation, yoga, visualization (this is where you do the quantum jumping). You need to see this as your aura shower. A ritual that will get you away from the fearful survival mode into a more Buddha state of being.

Taking on such a thing with a high dose of cortisol running through your body means that your energy field is exuding fear, not power. This brings on more energetic attacks, and before you know it, there is a snowball effect and a never-ending cycle.

Getting yourself spiritually connected, moving the mind and the body into a space of ease, releasing any toxicity from the body means you are able to move with more grace with all focus on you. This is your invisible Wonder Woman costume. An inner steel corset. A clean aura. A stable mind. A body that is not weighed down with all that is going on.

Remember, the body keeps the score, and if you’re not releasing trauma on a daily basis, then you’re bound to have an accumulation of toxic energy later. Energy cells that are not healthy, and that are bathed in stress chemicals, turn into physical disease. Please do not let him boil you slowly.

On these lines, I rate bodywork as highly as breathwork. Breathwork means you are supplying your brain and the most important glands with life force whilst bodywork means you are releasing any of his energy from your whole being.

Breathwork may include pranayama and kriya techniques, and body work is a vast container that may include shaking, EFT tapping, dancing, body drops, upside down hanging (as simple as hanging your upper body from the bed and allowing blood and oxygen to flow into the brain), twisting, skipping, spinning, and many more.

Both techniques ensure that your brain, heart, glands and vital organs are not being fried, your hormones and every fiber of your body is freed from guilt, shame, self-pity, fear and survival chemicals.

5. With all the above, you are more tuned in and equipped with instinct and intuition.

You will have more emotional ease and equilibrium to deal with the situation. Having all of this in place keeps you safe and sane. It will connect you to you, and keep you away from shrinking into a small wounded child.

It will effortlessly lead you to the aligned steps you need to take, where to place your focus, how to really take care of yourself (and your kids, if you have any), how to get your independence back (if, God forbid, you are relying on him), whom to contact when you need absolute support, how to deactivate him from his power without harming yourself, how to slowly cut energetic cords without creating unnecessary drama around you, how to be subtle and solid in your behavior, and more importantly, how to respond or ignore everything that he is throwing at you.

I could add so much more, but I feel these are five really empowering steps to screw your head back on, keep your heart from further harm, and your mind from being scrambled into his.

PS: I forgot to mention, in case you do not have a space for your spiritual practice, lock yourself in the bathroom and get going. It is not the ideal, but who cares? Your wellbeing comes first, so do what you need to do to get yourself in the highest state possible.

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{Photo credit: Zsofi Bohm}

Janet Vella, this raw and real female, comes in with stories of courage, resilience and determination. Storyteller, lover of Buddha and boudoir, she’s one hell of a wild one in the way she wants to use the mess she left behind as medicine for another woman to rise. She catwalks this earthly plane with years of dance in her feet, yoga in her soul and an infinite sack of wisdom that’s come from dealing with suicidal depression, a childhood that formed no roots, a pelvic injury that pulled her out of the dance studio into an Indian ashram, a series of dead-end relationships that took the wind out of her sails, and a life so majestic, she wears it as her crown. Her work has been experienced around the globe — London, Cambridge, Malta, Paris, Hollywood and India. She is savage in the way she teaches her tribe of extraordinary women to return to their wildest strands of soul. Her work is part-Buddha part-boudoir, and she stands behind her vision and creation I AM WOMAN. She has fiery Mediterranean roots but lives in Mumbai. Devotee of Ganesha, a Sex and the City junkie, she meditates to Melody Gardot, loves to make magick in her kitchen, and can be found vagabonding and storytelling daily on Facebook and sharing further on her website.

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